Truths are being revealed to me. Truths about myself and my life. I am in the place that i am in because i need to see myself. Not that i have not been looking before, but that i need to look deeper. The surface stuff is easy. I know i'm a sensitive person. I know that at my very core i am a positive person. I know that i long for love. I know that i sometimes look for love in others. But even deeper than that. I know that i hurt. And this hurt is affecting who i am and who i am becoming. Deciding what to do with it, is the hard part. And the truth is, i had to be out here by myself so that i could see, really see how much i am hurting.
It's strange though because that hurt is what drives me to help others. To want to see others happy. If i can't be happy, somebody should be. That's pretty much my philosophy. I like seeing others thrive and grow and become better human beings....better christians. But all the while, i thought i was doing that for myself, but was not. Not really. And the hurt was blocking it. My hurt keeps me from growing, becoming better.
I'm still trying to figure out what to do with it. How to make the hurt come to the surface however hard that may be, and release it. I'm so tired of hurting. Being hurt. Allowing myself to be hurt. I'm an emotional masochist. I realize that now. A beautiful disaster. But God sees me as only beautiful. And the sooner i come to grips with that. The sooner i realize that God sees me differently than i see myself, the better off i will be. Did you know that the angels are jealous of us because God holds us to a higher place than them? To look in the mirror and see what God sees.....would be heaven on earth. That would be truth.
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5 years ago