The half birthday

Well, i'm a HUGE fan of half birthdays. In case you didn't know, a half birthday is what your birthday would be 6 months to the day later. So, my half birthday is May 12 since my original birthday is November 12. Duh. You don't really have to be a genius to figure that out. Anyway, This month is my half birthday month and because of my efforts to be more proactive and a little less regretful this year, this is especially interesting to me. I'm evaluating.
What have i done? What do i have yet to do? What is possible? I have to be realistic with somethings (ie; it's too late to get into a PhD program in the fall at the moment), but continue to plan, execute and attack. Well, maybe that's a little dramatic, but you get my drift.
So, far so good. I will be starting an MS in Counseling program this year. I am rekindling some relationships and being more purposeful about the ones i have. I am putting forth a little more effort into my life in general.
I must, however, admit this. I struggle with depression. There, i said it. It's out. I have for years and years now, but felt that as a woman of faith, depression should not be a problem for me. That i could "pray" my way out of any feelings of doubt or sadness or straight up suicide was how i have lived for the past 15 years. Truly, prayer and therapy have kept me together so far, but being in the real world everyday brought on the need to have my emotions a little more under control. I have, however, realized that seeking medical help is ok and sometimes necessary. So for the past couple of months, for the first time in my life, i have been medicated. It has made a world of difference in my life. I have gone from incredibly depressed almost daily to slightly down every once in a while. It feels amazing to feel ok. That was also one of the things that i decided to conquer this year in one way or another.
I am also at a crossroads in my career or the change of my career. I would love to get back to southeast Texas eventually. A change like that is imminent. The only question is, in what capacity and at what time. All i can do is seek and hope that i will find. Life is such a journey, and i would love to collect a lot of cool t-shirts along the way.

Baby Steps

Ok. So one of the reasons i started this blog was to document my decade. My bravery, my life, new beginnings, etc. I applied to a Master of Science Counseling program for the summer. It looks like i may be able to start June, but we're still working that part out. This took MAJOR bravery on my part. I know that i don't want to be where i am career wise (though it will be hard to leave this career), but i know that i may end up in Waco for a little while longer. Starting this degree is a way to stay busy, use my brain and become a little braver in my endeavors.
I also have recently been keeping up with an old friend (part of that precarious situation) and we have been able to clear the air about A LOT of things that went wrong in our friendship/relationship. One of the things that kept getting pointed out was that i am way more open now than i was then. Well, there was no way that i was ready to be open then, and i credit that relationship for doing that for me.
I have always known that you can learn the best things from the worst situations. Being able to make amends with this person, is proof of that. It occurred to me in the conversations that i was not so much mad as i was still hurt. I don't know which is worse. The anger and hurt both cause a little bitterness, but i think that the hurt is what causes the fear. It's natural instinct, i think, to try not to repeat past pain. Fear is what replaces that pain. You're afraid of getting hurt again, so you don't dare venture out into the same area. Life is funny that way. Most of the time, the things that you are afraid of are the very things you must face to be able to grow.
Baby steps. Baby steps.

Precarious

I am in the middle of an incredibly sticky situation. I never in my life thought that i would be here. I don't really understand the reason for everything. I know that this situation is exactly the reason why i have not dated in 5 years. I am being vague for a reason. I don't really want it to be true. Not yet. There is not really a reason for where i am except that the heart wants what it wants, and sometimes what it wants it doesn't necessarily need....

Spring in Texas!

I love Texas in the spring. The colors are amazing. The grass is green. The bluebonnets are blue. There are Indian paint brushes, pink poesy's, some strange yellow "weed" that takes over fields and looks like sunshine on the ground. It's amazing! It makes me happy. It makes me thankful. It makes me aware of Matthew 12:27-29
27"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it.
Worry is my middle name. Ever since i was a child i have worried. I worried when my parents fought. I worried that we didn't have enough money. I worried that Russia would attack the US in 1987. Yes, it's like i was born worrying. I've spent most of my adult life trying to "calm down". I am high strung by nature, but people would never know it because of the God that lives within me and because of my hyper sensitivity to it. Some of the old hymns from teeny tiny Baptist churches are beginning to ring true for me.
"I woke up this morning with my mind
Stayed on Jesus.
I woke up this morning with my mind
Stayed on Jesus."
That is where i want to be. That is how i want my life. To live without question, without doubt, without worry. To be a lilly in the field.

How do you spell discombobulated?

Because that's how i'm feeling today. Not bad really. Just a little rushed and hurried and unorganized -- you know discombobulated....

The Wonderful World of Words

There is always a story. There is not one person alive on this earth that is not fascinating or at the very least interesting. Everyone has something hidden inside them that makes them and their story brilliant. Some people are very willing and open in sharing what they go through and how they get through things. Others are very closed and reclusive. But the thing about words is that words grant a release. Words are therapeutic, cathartic, healing.
My life is entrenched in words. I began talking at a very early age and pretty much haven't stopped since. Growing up, i always new that i would have an oratorical profession. Words bring things to life. In Africa, a child's' name is not spoken until it is spoken by his father. The words of the father seal the fate of the child's' identity. The words of one person to another can change the fate of a situation. I seek to see everything through the power of words. That old adage of "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me" is so not true. Words can speak life. Words can speak death. Words can make a person who they are meant to be and who they were never meant to be.
Today, i am feeling the positive angle of words. Today i am encouraged by words. Every positive word that has been spoken to me runs through my mind today. Every scripture that has helped to move me along is scrolling through the screen in my head. Today i am feeling the blessing and the burden of being a positive person. Today, i am feeling the urge to hang on to the things that God has promised me. Not by any material accounts. But the growth, the maturity, the spiritual guidance, the mentor-ship, the encouragement of being a spiritual sister to anyone who needs it -- anyone who seeks it. It always strikes me amazing that i can talk a jumper off of a ledge, but sometimes can't seem to do the same for myself. I'm still not sure why, but i'm getting there. I pray that my words will continue to be positive. I pray that the things in my head will continue to stay on the good side.
10For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. 11He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. 12For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil." 1 Peter 3:10-12

Mi Familia

I am 31 years old. On both sides of my family i am the oldest girl. On one side, i am the oldest grandchild. This comes with great fun and responsibility. My family is HUGE. My Mom has 12 brothers and sisters. Between them all, i have about 45 or so first cousins. My dad has 5 brothers and sisters. Between them, i have about 30 or so first cousins. With big families comes enough drama to sustain a week day soap opera for years......truly. Steeped with murder, adultery and extortion this is the kind of stuff that Danielle Steele dreams about.
One sibling is always mad at another sibling for something ranging from serious to trivial. Both families have a black sheep or two, but certainly at least one. Both families have mother issues and anger issues and father issues. It's amazing that any of them have sense enough to survive.
One side has college grads. The other side has high school grads and many, many out of wedlock children. Ironically enough though, both sides have very good relationships with the people in the communities in which they live. Not much bad blood for anyone, and most of the children stay out of trouble.
Our holidays were always eventful. Ranging from fights that must be broken up to laughing so hard your belly literally aches.
What it all boils down to though, is that my family is pretty awesome. I can think of way more good times than bad times, though being the grandchild, there is probably still more that i am completely unaware of. But we love each other. Even in the times when the siblings hate each other and won't talk for months, i know that if they were staring into a casket, they would feel badly and miss their brother or sister. How do i know this? They bother to express their feelings one to another. I read somewhere that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. I tend to agree with that. If you hate someone, you're still wasting an emotion on them. But if you don't care, truly do not care whether they exist or not, well that's a different kind of feeling.
My family is not yet indifferent about anyone. My father's anger with his mother says that he still cares. My mothers disdain of my father means that she still has a connection with him. I'm hoping the indifference never comes. That we will always love or hate one another.
After all. In all of its psychosis, they are still my family.