Sister Circle

I have a sister. She came into the world 21 months after me. She is wonderful and nothing in the world can replace her. But over the years, I have met various women who I am proud to call my "sister". Currently, at my job there are half a dozen of us Sisters. We (as cliche as it might sound) laugh together, cry together, celebrate together. Recently, the mother of one of my Sisters passed away. It was a lengthy and painful illness. The Sisters got on the phone, the computer, their sidekicks and made arrangements to be there for our Sister. I have been through many, many deaths in my life. I was hoping that our presence would be of some benefit. It was arranged that we would wear pink lilly corsages and go together. We walked in just as she was walking in with her family and the look on her face when she saw us and our pink flowers made me so happy to be a part of our little Sister Circle. Family always goes way beyond blood. Family is there when your real family is dealing with their own drama or can't understand or just flat out don't approve. I have a handful of Sisters that are of no relation to me, and I like it like that.

Waiting

I feel like I have spent most of my life waiting for something....or somebody. When I was a kid I waited for my parents to get a divorce. In junior high, I waited for a friend that I could relate to. a teacher that would be nice to me. in high school, I waited for a date for Homecoming, Sweetheart Ball, various dances that I helped plan but usually only attended for the clean up after. I waited for my father to get it together. I waited to finish college. I waited to have sex. I waited for the boy that I have always wanted to date. As of right now, waiting has proven to be very, very painful. Some of the things I have waited for have panned out. Quite well. My dad came around and we're getting closer. I finally made it to a dance with a great guy and was even crowned prom queen. I found friends. Friends who get me. Friends who are where I am and continuing to grow with me. Sounds like most of it works out. So maybe I should just wait to see what will happen next. I'm just tired of waiting for the one something. The one somebody.....

Fresh

Ok. This is the part where i repeat the mantra "I will be okay. I will be okay. I will be okay." My circumstances are only temporary. I realize that. I think what i don't get is why every circumstance, every trial has to come so close together. I know that i am constantly fighting, literally warring for my gifts, my strength, my ministry. I understand that. I just would like a little time of peace in the midst of the war. No matter how logical i am. No matter what i know the truth to be. I just can never seem to find that peace. I'm exhausted all the time. I wake up in the middle of the night either from praying or dreaming. Lately it's been dreaming. A LOT of dreaming. I'm tired. I can't function when i'm like this. I can't think straight when i'm like this.
I am very aware that to whom much is given much is required. I understand. I do, but no where does it say that to whom much is given much less sleep will you have.
I'M TIRED!
And i'm tired of being tired. I guess i just don't understand why in the world God won't allow me to have a good nights' sleep. Just one every once in a while would be greatly appreciated. That's how i started drinking. From not sleeping. Now i have a double fold problem on my hands and hope that i can figure out while not ruining myself with the other.
Rambling......that's what exhaustion gets you........rambling.

Spiraling

Why does one always have to spiral out of control? There is a pattern to spiraling you know. So why does it always have to sound so negative? I think i'm just feeling guilty....
Anyway, about my ah ha moment. I have not wanted to think about it. I can't deal with it. This whole free will thing is not fair. But i once heard someone say that the only "fair" they knew of was bus fare. I thought that was pretty funny, and pretty accurate. I think it was Peter who asked why he does the very things that he does not want to do. I think this is the first time in my life that i wonder what will happen to me. I used to be so sure. I always thought i would be ok. But i have almost no faith left. It sounds crazy to say. It feels crazy. It feels bad.
So what happens now? I have no idea. Sometimes i don't care enough to want to know. That's bad isn't it?

Feelings

Isn't there a song by that name? If i remember correctly it's a little cheesy and sad. I don't remember who sings it though. One of the crooners i think....
Feelings are hard. They are hard to understand. Hard to deal with. Hard to explain. When was the last time you were able to describe love? Anger? Loneliness? Exactly. My feelings are complicated. There is too much involved in them. They don't exactly make me feel better. Everyone is afraid of their feelings whether they want to admit to it or not. I'm no different. I'm very sure of how i feel, but it makes me nervous. I don't want to be taken over by my feelings and I don't want to take over my feelings. Weird, huh? There are even feelings that i cannot express outloud. It's too early. It's too inappropriate.
As much as i don't want them too, my feelings are starting to take over. I'm trying to hang on. I'm trying not to "go crazy". It's just incredible how the indescribable feeling can make you feel....
Empty and full all at the same time. Positive and unsure all at the same time. I just want all of this to be over. I want a happy ending, but i want it to be over. I want to be sure about how all of this will turn out. One way or the other. I want to be happy when all of this is over. All i've ever wanted was to be happy. I have 20 years of journaling that begs time and time again for happiness. Sometimes, i feel like i have never been happy. Sometimes i wonder if i self sabotage my happiness. Why would i do that though? Why would i make decisions based on making myself unhappy? Ok. I just had an ah ha moment and must ponder this for a while.

Denial

It's not just a river you know.
I wrote the last post leaving out something that can never enter the realms of cyber space. It's strange not being able to share a part of my life with the people i am closest to. My life is crazy. The circumstances are just unbelievable. I learned a long time ago to never say never. It still very much holds true. I just hope beyond hope that God will see fit to redeem my shortcomings and continue to allow me to grow in Him.
Life is definitely a journey and i want to end up at the correct destination. I pray that He work with my mistakes and allow me the happiness i've always dreamed of with the person i've always dreamed of. If not, then i pray that He helps me to get past the hurt and disappointment of what could have been.
My heart is taken. I am so full right now. No matter what happens, i believe in what God has for me. I believe in the ending. I'm hoping for a specific ending. I'm hoping that this ending will leave me happier than i ever thought that i could be. It's not enough to hope for the outcome. I also have to extend hope past the outcome to make sure that my life is covered.
I know that God can do anything. And i really hope that he is able to do this for me. But with a better ending.

The half birthday

Well, i'm a HUGE fan of half birthdays. In case you didn't know, a half birthday is what your birthday would be 6 months to the day later. So, my half birthday is May 12 since my original birthday is November 12. Duh. You don't really have to be a genius to figure that out. Anyway, This month is my half birthday month and because of my efforts to be more proactive and a little less regretful this year, this is especially interesting to me. I'm evaluating.
What have i done? What do i have yet to do? What is possible? I have to be realistic with somethings (ie; it's too late to get into a PhD program in the fall at the moment), but continue to plan, execute and attack. Well, maybe that's a little dramatic, but you get my drift.
So, far so good. I will be starting an MS in Counseling program this year. I am rekindling some relationships and being more purposeful about the ones i have. I am putting forth a little more effort into my life in general.
I must, however, admit this. I struggle with depression. There, i said it. It's out. I have for years and years now, but felt that as a woman of faith, depression should not be a problem for me. That i could "pray" my way out of any feelings of doubt or sadness or straight up suicide was how i have lived for the past 15 years. Truly, prayer and therapy have kept me together so far, but being in the real world everyday brought on the need to have my emotions a little more under control. I have, however, realized that seeking medical help is ok and sometimes necessary. So for the past couple of months, for the first time in my life, i have been medicated. It has made a world of difference in my life. I have gone from incredibly depressed almost daily to slightly down every once in a while. It feels amazing to feel ok. That was also one of the things that i decided to conquer this year in one way or another.
I am also at a crossroads in my career or the change of my career. I would love to get back to southeast Texas eventually. A change like that is imminent. The only question is, in what capacity and at what time. All i can do is seek and hope that i will find. Life is such a journey, and i would love to collect a lot of cool t-shirts along the way.