I found a list

As i have been plagued with insomnia yet again (i think i have slept a total of 8 hours the past two nights), i have been cleaning and organizing. While organizing one room, i found a journal from more than 10 years ago that contained a list that my sister and i made of what we would like in a future husband. I think i was about 20 or 21 at the time. It's pretty comical to read now, but i thought i would post it because it's kind of fun too. So, here we go unedited:
1. saved
2. financially stable
3. 5'10" - 6'8"
4. no children
5. limited sexual past
6. stable family life
7. honest
8. trustworthy
9. sense of humor but knows when to be serious
10. faithful
11. responsible
12. trustful
13. good looking
14. nice eyes
15. nice smile
16. nice teeth
17. sensitive
18. reserved
19. mutual family liking
20. at least 3 years older
21. unselfish
22. good conversation
23. ambitious
24. intelligent
25. encouraging
26. physically fit for his size
27. well mannered
28. good tempered
29. patient
30. not cheap
31. has his own running vehicle
32. hardworking but relaxed
33. outspoken but knows when to keep quiet
34 spontaneous
35. athletic
36. healthy in every aspect

Clearly this list is from a very young and inexperienced mind. I look at this list now and there are some things that would be moved up, removed all together and moved down. Patience would definitely be in my top five since i know i have ADD. Encouraging would be in my top 10. Spontaneous would be in my top 10. I would take the height requirement out of my top 10. haha
I look at this list wondering if it will even come to pass. I want to be married just like the next person, but well, we'll have to see.
It's really sort of ironic. For years, especially after my first serious relationship ended, i didn't care if i got married or not. I didn't care if i had children or not. Now, however, i would love to be married, i would love to have my 3 or more children. I would like to be a mom. I've never admitted that or said that out loud. I would like to be a mom. Before, being a mom scared me. It's such a huge responsibility. Being responsible for the well being of another person for the rest of your life or their lives is overwhelming. I know from other moms that the responsibility does not stop just because your child grows up. You may not have as much input as you used to, but they will always be your baby.
We're reading a great book in the Women's ministry at church by Myles Munroe called the Purpose and Power of Woman. The Men's ministry is reading The Purpose and Power of Man. When we finish our books we're going to switch and read each others' books. I'm very excited about it because of how differently men and women communicate. I always know that, but when i'm in a relationship, it always goes right out the window. When i talk to my friends about their relationship, i tell them "you have to think like a guy. You cannot think like a girl." And that is usually the number one mistake that i make. Funny, i know. I don't know. I think that i'm so busy thinking that this person should be taking care of me and doing what i ask that i don't even care....to a point.
One of the things i realized about myself since i made that list and have been in a few relationships since that list, is that i tend to get into self preservation mode. Especially after my first serious relationship. Only the National Guard could get in after that. I did not make it easy and sometimes i was not nice. So, now, i'm trying to be a little more open and accepting. Not so tough and school of hard knox. I have realized though that it's easier for a girl to think like a guy than it is for a guy to think like a girl. I can't wait to see what the Purpose and Power of Man says about how we should be treating them. The Women's book was pretty much on point.
I THINK EVERY GUY SHOULD READ IT!!!
When i make this move to Houston, I'm going to be better. In a better place emotionally, spiritually, mentally (i hope). I'm looking forward to the change. I wish it could happen sooner, but it'll be great when it does.
It will be funny to curl up with someone and laugh about the contents of my list and other things in that journal together. It would be great.

Serenity

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

A Letter to You

I never dreamed in a million years that our paths would cross again. I thought that door was shut forever, and was prepared to deal with forever. I wondered how you were. What you were doing. If you were happy. Were you thinking about me too?
There are so many things that i do regret in my life, but you have never been one of them. I don't regret how i dealt with you. I don't regret what i said. I do regret that for everytime you explained to me that i didn't "get it", you didn't either. I love just as hard. And for me that means being a part of your life however terrible it is. However wonderful it is. I got it. I completely understood it. Every single part of it. But those were the parts that you didn't want to let me into, and i truly could not handle that. It's weird, even though i understood it, it was hard. It was hard to not get that piece of you. It made me sad more than it made me mad. I am sorry for any undue stress that may have been caused by me. I'm sorry that you felt the way you did in the end. I never meant to seem uncaring or unkind. I don't want to see you hurt anymore than you want to see me hurt. I'm sorry you felt as though i was being insulting in certain ways. I most certainly was not. Not by any means. I can see how it could be perceived that way, and i'm sorry for that.
I wish things could be different, but not in the way you might think. I wish love and happiness to you no matter what. I pray for peace and strength for you so that you can hang on for as long as you need to, to whatever you need to.
I'm getting to be ok. Not quite there yet, but i will be.....eventually. I wouldn't trade the past 4 months for anything though except for maybe forever. If forever never happens, then at least i know where we are. Where we stand. That we're good no matter what. I know that. I hope you know that.
I'm sorry it had to be so bad in the end. That was not my intention. I hate that it is the way that it is. That may be my only regret. Nothing about your life is a joke to me. Nothing about what you're going through is a joke to me.
Know that i will always be there to scratch your back if you need it.

Missing you lots
xxx
ooo

Conclusions

How long can i stand? How much longer can i be brave? How long can i stay strong? Life sucks and then you die. What is it all for? The quick and easy answer is to praise and glorify God. That is also a very tough answer. We get so caught up in our world that we forget that. We should never forget that.
It's very hard for me at this age and stage of my life to regret things. I think them through more, I analyze more. I make sure that I know the outcome before hand. So having my heart broken again, was definitely foreseen. It had to happen. The circumstances were too complicated for it to not happen. There is so much scar tissue now that i'm barely hanging on.
Heartache sucks. And then you die.

Dig deeper

Ok. I have never really truly been able to get over my parents divorce. I thought i was good. I thought i was ok. It's been 16 years after all, but that situation still keeps my guard up. Still causes me to doubt myself and others. That divorce and everything that led up to it has become the biggest factor in who i am today.
I want so badly to not be there. I want to be whole and healed. I did not realize that i still hold a lot of resentment toward both of my parents for how things turned out and most of all for how they helped shape me. I think that's what i resent most of all. I had virtually no say in who i became. I didn't even realize who i was until my 20's. I'm just now realizing how that has affected me so far. I want to change that. I want to make it better. I don't want to be one of those people who blames other people for who they are and how they are. If i am who i am, i want it to be because i chose to be this person. And even more than that, i want to be a person who makes a positive difference in the lives of others. It is truly a miracle that i am not a toxic person. I thank God for that every single day.
So, i have not had my quiet time since my little transgression. I need to do it again. I need to spend that time again. I have to know and understand that God the Father will continue to take care of me. Is taking care of me. No matter what. He looks past the sin. He looks into the heart of the sinner, and loves them inspite of. I will be ok. I will be ok. The person he has for me is out there somewhere getting whole and healed himself.......i hope.

Truth

Truths are being revealed to me. Truths about myself and my life. I am in the place that i am in because i need to see myself. Not that i have not been looking before, but that i need to look deeper. The surface stuff is easy. I know i'm a sensitive person. I know that at my very core i am a positive person. I know that i long for love. I know that i sometimes look for love in others. But even deeper than that. I know that i hurt. And this hurt is affecting who i am and who i am becoming. Deciding what to do with it, is the hard part. And the truth is, i had to be out here by myself so that i could see, really see how much i am hurting.
It's strange though because that hurt is what drives me to help others. To want to see others happy. If i can't be happy, somebody should be. That's pretty much my philosophy. I like seeing others thrive and grow and become better human beings....better christians. But all the while, i thought i was doing that for myself, but was not. Not really. And the hurt was blocking it. My hurt keeps me from growing, becoming better.
I'm still trying to figure out what to do with it. How to make the hurt come to the surface however hard that may be, and release it. I'm so tired of hurting. Being hurt. Allowing myself to be hurt. I'm an emotional masochist. I realize that now. A beautiful disaster. But God sees me as only beautiful. And the sooner i come to grips with that. The sooner i realize that God sees me differently than i see myself, the better off i will be. Did you know that the angels are jealous of us because God holds us to a higher place than them? To look in the mirror and see what God sees.....would be heaven on earth. That would be truth.

*SIGH*

The truth about life is that sometimes you can't have what you want, and the sooner you accept that the better off you are.