Go with your gut

What makes a person make certain decisions? Why do people, who supposedly have free will choose so wrongly so often? Even with good information and a belly full of doubt, a person will make a decision they know they should not be made.
Even in times when there was absolutely no doubt, i have still made a wrong decision. But it's those times when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are making the wrong decision that you make the decision anyway.
Just throwing it out there. Wondering for myself. Hoping to make it stop...

An unusual pain

If you have never had your heart broken, you can never really understand the pain of heartache. I don't think there is anything in the world that cuts so incredibly deep and sucks the life purely out of you like heart break. Even the worst pain i have EVER had in my life cannot compare to the inner emptiness that comes from this. It is so indescribable that no one can give you words. It's, ironically enough, like trying to describe love. You don't know HOW it feels, but you feel it all the same.
For me, every time feels like the first time and every time, i cannot believe that i am getting my heart broken yet again. This is the stuff that bad romance novels are made of, except no one is coming to wisk me away.
I have tears that won't fall. Pain that can't be fixed with antiseptic, but at the same time, i am......hopeful.
And thankful.
Hopeful for the things i have in my life right now that are finally coming through that have nothing to do with a relationship.
Thankful that i don't need a relationship to make me happy, but that this too shall pass. It passed once before as much as possible to allow me the courtesy of living life. This should be no different.
I have a thirteen year old to mentor. A degree to obtain. A new career to start. A new church and new people to contend with. These are all very good things. And i am very excited about them.
I just think that my heart is finally getting the permission that my head would not give it before. To live and let live. I can grow from this. I can move on from this. I'm sticking to my no BS policy (and it is very very hard where some people are concerned). There are some that just aren't ready, willing or able to see the truth. I am now. It's ok now.
God needed to show me some things, and i needed to be able to see them.
Amen.

Vulnerability

I have mixed feelings. I am the number one culprit when it comes to self disclosure. Especially with people that i trust. I tend to trust very early, but not very often. I am coming to realize that the most important people in my life are those that are willing to return the favor.
The goal of the life groups are to break down the walls. To help you realize and undestand that you are not alone in all of this stuff that is called life. EVERYONE needs that one someone. No matter how terrible your secrets or how important you think it is to keep things to yourself. We were not created to be alone. No matter what the belief of the culture, no matter how private you think things SHOULD be. Sometimes, what we think might be the best advice under the worst circumstances should not be so. These things only make you feel alone and like you have to do things yourself to fix it, and that's just not the case.
The ability to give emotionally to the right person in times of turmoil and trouble are what make us realize that we cannot and should not deal with everything ourselves.
Normally, my "sharing" extends to the same two people (notice how the number has dropped from 4 to 2). Being in this life group means that i will need to be vulnerable with way more people on a very deep level. It's very easy to think that this would be a bad idea, but i have been talking to people who are doing it/have done it, and the confidentiality of people who really want to grow and become better people/christians is amazing!
The bottom line for me is that i am desperate to dig myself out of this hole of loneliness i have been in. Sharing with even the people that i share with has been helpful and encouraging. Branching out, and reaching people who may have the same problems as me, is even more encouraging. You would be surprised what's out there once you start speaking what's on your heart.

Testimony

I have been attending a small group of sorts with all different types of people. These people have a variety of hurts, habits and hang ups that they want to fix from a spiritual perspective. While attending this group, it occurred to me that i really need more community in the church environment. I need more people my age, more than once a month, and i need the group to extend beyond church grounds....frequently.
So last week, i began to pray for the possibility of changing churches. The only thing is, i knew that the church i went to would be majority white, and i was not sure if i was ready for that. I love the culture of my church, but at the same time knew that if i didn't make a change, i would literally die spiritually. I prayed, and talked to God all last week. "God, should i change? I need more community. Is it ok that i change? Am i running out on my roots? Am i being impatient in waiting for them to grow? I need more community. What should i do?"
I visited this church that made the short list when i first moved into town. Majority white. They have 3 services, and i chose the later service. The theme/focus of the Pastor's sermon was community.
I didn't know what to say. He gave examples of why community is important. Why community can make or break your walk. What community does for each other. This one small group put their money together and bought one of their members a car. Another small group paid off a member's student loan debt so that he could go on a mission trip. Another group had a "Christmas in July" because this poor guy had not really had Christmas growing up.
This was exactly what i was looking for. Something beyond "give me your number, and i'll call you sometime." Purposeful community that is all up in your business besides, "i'll be praying for you." I'm not sure if this church specifically is the one that i will move to, but it certainly solidified what i needed out of a church in general.
This kind of thing is why i am so careful about who i spend my extra time with. People who seem "harmless" may in fact be harmless, but i cannot get the type of conversation that i got this weekend with just anyone, and every once in a while, i need that.
God loves me enough to answer a prayer that i never thought would be answered so quickly.

God Will Never Put More On You...

...than you can bear. I don't really like or agree with that sentence. What about the things you put on yourself? Choices made without much thought let alone prayer. Things said on the fly. This sentence is only true of the things that God does, but there are ways that we screw things up ourselves.
So far, only a few of my decisions will affect my forever. A couple of them indirectly. I am hoping that as things lay out in my life, i will not put more on myself than i can bear.

This one too...

6Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
8Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1Peter 5:6-8

Cast your cares...

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. Psalm 55:22

There are a few things hanging in the balance and i am especially in need of remembering this verse today.