Abandonment

The bottom line is, i have abandonment issues. It's amazing and scary all at the same time to learn these things about myself. Mostly scary. I want to fix it. I want to make it better so that i can be a better person. One of my worst fears is going into a marriage with all of these issues that i failed to address because i was too much of a wimp to do it. I think that would be unfair to my future spouse.
I don't trust guys very much. Mostly from a relationship perspective. I am great at platonic friendships. I can be a very good non threatening friend to a guy that i am attracted to and to one that i am not attracted to. Once i'm in a relationship however, i tend to distrust more than i realize. Sometimes i am given cause and sometimes i am not. My history is so complicated and cliche' all at the same time.
Once i realized that i was so heavy with baggage, i began to worry less about being married right away and more about me. Twenty-five was it. I realized that i did not want to bring my baggage into a marriage and i had better work on it. So began to pray less that "he" would show up and more that i would be ready for whoever "he" is.
I began to pray that he would love God more than himself and really understand to love me as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25). I prayed that he have patience, understanding, a sense of humor and that he is not so heavenly minded that he is no earthly good. In other words, i want us to be able to have fun!
Years ago, when i realized that the wall i put up is more like WALLS, i began to chip away, knowing that the hardest part would be closest to my heart. I'm there now. The parts closest to your heart hurt the most. And it hurts like hell. I have said before that my fight or flight kicks in in bad situations, and i have a tendency to flight. Now i know that i flight the MOST often where my male relationships are concerned. I don't want to be hurt so i get the hell out of there.
I think i have begun to realize that i have GOT to stay and fight it out. My parents fought SOOO much that it's just not something i enjoy doing. Not that many people do, but i avoid it at ALL costs. I have also realized that this far, the people that i have dipped out on the most are the ones that care about me the most and care about the nature of our relationship.
Men are wired so much differently than women. One in particular has decided that the next time i run, that's it. Sounds fair. I won't bother to bring up all of the crap that I put up with before i ran, but ok. He's got enough going on without me losing it and bringing it back around. I understand that.
What i have also realized is that for every time that i did run, there was usually quite a bit that i put up with silently before i got to that point. My patience level is high, but i run before the conflict. I put up with a lot, but i don't like what happens when the conflict is imminent. So i have learned that i need to speak up a little more. Don't allow so much to fester underneath. Once the pot boils over, it's too late.
This is only a small taste of what could be and who i hope to be someday, or tomorrow...
I want to be not only a better human being, but a better Christian in every way possible.

Friends

Recently, my car broke down. I was with my mother and it was just before 10pm. There were quite a few people i could call to come and pick us up, but my Mom's words were, "No, it's late. Everyone is probably settled for the night." I told her that i would not hesitate to pick up someone that called me. She said, "Sometimes the things that you would do for people would not necessarily be returned, and don't assume that they will be."
A year ago, i would have thought she was crazy, but Bob has taught me otherwise.
From previous posts, Bob has been that one friend. He is/was so important to me, but there were always conditions with Bob. Nothing was ever cut and dry, black and white. He knows me better than anyone, but still fails to understand me. There are people that i can call for anything, anytime, anywhere, and i foolishly assumed (you know that whole thing about assuming) that no matter what happened, we would always be ok.
Apparently, however, making sure that things are on the up and up where our relationship is concerned is too much of a request. One that cannot be handled for whatever reason. This roller coaster ride that was our "friendship" is over because he couldn't handle the answer to one single question that would give me some peace of mind. This is what leads to him not understanding me. Everything about our relationship matters. Even if he feels it is insignificant, it matters to me. It's unfortunate that he cannot see that sometimes it's not all about him. Most of the time in fact it's not at all about him, but about the fact that i have this friend with whom i can share anything, and have a great history with.
I have come to realize that there are deal breakers in every relationship. My violating his personal space was his. His loss, but sad nonetheless. I will still be one of the best friends he ever had. And he will certainly be one of mine.
I have learned that being too selfless can be a problem.....for me. I make myself too available. However, i'm not sure that i know how else to be. It's not that i can't say no. It's just that i like helping. People ask and if i'm able, then i do.
Probably diagnostically irrelevant. Maybe this is perfectly fine. Maybe it will be years before i realize that it is not.

Politics and the Church

This election left me reeling for quite a few reasons. I discovered that many, many people voted Republican because of their so called conservative views. I discovered that the people who did not vote Republican were in some cases chastised by Christians.
There is absolutely nothing in the bible that says that a Republican vs a Democrat is: getting into heaven faster; will have a better seat, vantage point or benefit, right or wrong.
This kind of divisive thinking keeps people from being open about their beliefs. If i only voted Republican because i am a Christian, that is not right. If i vote Republican because they line up with my view point, then that's a whole different story.
My opinion is politics do not belong in the church. Not that i think they should not be talked about, but i really would rather not know who my Pastor is voting for. I am ok, however, knowing who my pew neighbor voted for. They have that right. They have their opinion and are entitled to such. I don't care that they like John McCain or why. I do my own research and form my own opinion. I enjoy hearing peoples' views, but again, don't really care. I know that sounds like double talk, but hey that's just my opinion.

25 Random Things About Me

1. I LOVE broccoli.
2. I am one of the few women in life who enjoys being single (it freaks my other single friends out).
3. I can play piano by ear.
4. I am allergic to watermelon.
5. I am allergic to chocolate.
6. I lie on my driver's license. I'm not really 5' tall.
7. I love speaking in front of people.
8. I'm going back to school in the fall and i hate school.
9. If i ever do get married, i would want four kids.
10. I'm going back to school so that i can up my income so that i can adopt kids someday.
11. I very much miss living in DC and can't wait to go back.
12. I was reading before i started kindergarten so had to go take reading with the first graders.
13. I hate that i did not pursue law school.
14. I am a wine connoseur (sp)...or least am on my way to be. I love the stuff.
15. My guilty pleasure is the reality show of choice on bravo, animal planet or A&E.
16. I rarely sleep through the night.
17. I have a blog.
18. I own a pit bull (don't judge).
19. I didn't hate high school, just the act of getting up and going somewhere and being forced to be there for 8 hours a day..... oh, wait, that's my life now.
20. I Should have joined the Air Force out of high school or college.
21. I have an insane bravery rating. There is almost NOTHING that i would not try once. As long as it's legal.
22. I cannot watch any footage pertaining to September 11. It still makes me cry.
23. I live in **** Texas, but don't really want to.
24. I am getting weave in my hair for the very first long term time this Friday.
25. I wish i had never been in love.

My desire

My desire is to make sure that the point of chritianity is not to judge. So many people choose a route based on the judgment of other christians. Don't get misguided. If you are a believer or at least claim to be, then you should know better. If not, then I am here to tell you that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. If I didn't believe it, if it weren't true, then I wouldn't even bother.

Safety

I had to be very careful about what to post next. I didn't want to talk about things that had already been discussed. I want to follow through with my theme to move forward. With that said, there is a job opportunity that would pretty much get me what i want. Out of the podunk town that i live in, and into an area that i would love to do for a few years. The work would be rewarding, satisfying and truly a dream come true. Hopefully, I will know what happens soon.

My Mom suggested that I pick a scripture to live by. I thought this was a very good suggestion. I've been thinking so long and hard about it and had to narrow it down a bit. Finally, though i decided that Isaiah 40:28-31 would be the one that i would like to live by. This is after all where i faltered the most last year.
The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Last year i had trust issues. I normally do not have trust issues. I usually have patience issues. I do trust and believe in what God will do, but am extremely impatient in waiting for it to happen. Last year, I was both. So it's back to the basics. I had a dream that I was running a race, and that i had been running for a very long time, but was not tired or hard of breath. The things that kept me going before will have to keep me going now.
I wish more than anything though that some people who would like to be in my life could even understand where i'm coming from. My beliefs and values are not for fun or just to say that i have them. I take them very seriously. While last year was not indicative of that, there is always room for growth for something. This has helped me to grow and to never take for granted the things that i need to grow. It has also helped me to see that everybody won't "get it". Everybody wasn't meant to. It's ok though.
My loneliness in the past three years, i have discovered, stems not from being in this town where there is nothing to do and not many people to meet and interact with, but that the few that are here are not on my social level. I have no one to talk to about my spiritual growth who can understand where i am. The people that do (and there are only 2) do not live in this town. I was/am lonely because while the social scene is lacking, there is no one i can call to touch and agree on the things that my be bothering me. Sure, i know people who pray, but not every prayer can cut it, and that's just the truth.
My loneliness goes deeper than having something to do on a friday or saturday nite. I can "hang out" with a lot of people. But where are the people who believe as firmly as i believe? That person who i could have talked to before everything happened last April. The person who would call before i had one glass of wine too many.... This takes a special person. If i found out nothing last year, i found out that people look at me that way, and that makes me happy. I'm the one who gets the phone calls of despair, but there is no one i can call in return. My friends are very quick to tell me that they call me because they know that i won't chew them out or make them feel guilty. Ironically enough, i only have one of those and she does not live here. Does she help? Of course. But sometimes you need a Saturday morning sit down to be able to keep yourself on track. That's what i'm lacking here. That's why i need to get out of here. That accountability is what i need most in my life because i fall so easily and so hard *thwap!* flat on my face. I need someone who will help me to get up who understands how i feel and why i feel that way and can tell me that once upon a time they felt that way too. Many, many, many people just don't understand.

I used to get frustrated when people who were married would say "You don't understand, you're not married." But now i get it. If you're only half way living your life the way you should be living it,
"You don't understand, you're not on fire for God." It sounds harsh, i know, but this statement explains, for the people who even care, where a person is and who a person is. There is no request that can go too far. I's will be dotted and T's will be crossed if you really really care about what God thinks about you. And i do. So sometimes i am overly cautious, especially if I am in territory that i have never been in before.
Better safe than sorry.

Realizations

I'm starting over. Not in a New Year's resolution sort of way. But in a "i can't go backward, i can only move forward sort of way." It's just the truth.
I cannot change the horrible-ness that was last year. I cannot undecide the decisions and how quantifiably stupid they were. I cannot do anything to change how i feel at the moment or then, but i can move forward. I can try again. I can only fix and worry about me and those that have been charged to me. Unfortunately, i realized a little too late that some are and some are not. My friends are wonderful people, but i have decided to focus on those that are honest with themselves and me and will help me to grow as a person and that i will somehow be able to help them do the same. No BS this year, my 32 year. I just can't do it anymore. I don't have to the energy to continue to believe that everything will be ok when i know that what is right in front of me is not necessarily right.....or healthy (thank you ACT).
Here's the bottom line. I believe in what God has for me no matter how i feel on any given day. I believe that my future is brighter because of everything that is in it and somethings that are not. I believe in the choices i have made to this point, even the poor ones. They help make you who you are, right? I believe that God has better for me than the last year or the very important situation that helped make it. I am better than that.
So, for year 32, I start over. I pray again. I think before i act again. I think before i speak again. I pray before big decisions are made. I don't make big decisions in the moment of emotion. Be wiser. I already have regrets. Let's not make it worse than it already is. I can't change what was. So maybe i can change what will be.....with better choices.