Thursday, February 26, 2009


The bottom line is, i have abandonment issues. It's amazing and scary all at the same time to learn these things about myself. Mostly scary. I want to fix it. I want to make it better so that i can be a better person. One of my worst fears is going into a marriage with all of these issues that i failed to address because i was too much of a wimp to do it. I think that would be unfair to my future spouse.
I don't trust guys very much. Mostly from a relationship perspective. I am great at platonic friendships. I can be a very good non threatening friend to a guy that i am attracted to and to one that i am not attracted to. Once i'm in a relationship however, i tend to distrust more than i realize. Sometimes i am given cause and sometimes i am not. My history is so complicated and cliche' all at the same time.
Once i realized that i was so heavy with baggage, i began to worry less about being married right away and more about me. Twenty-five was it. I realized that i did not want to bring my baggage into a marriage and i had better work on it. So began to pray less that "he" would show up and more that i would be ready for whoever "he" is.
I began to pray that he would love God more than himself and really understand to love me as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25). I prayed that he have patience, understanding, a sense of humor and that he is not so heavenly minded that he is no earthly good. In other words, i want us to be able to have fun!
Years ago, when i realized that the wall i put up is more like WALLS, i began to chip away, knowing that the hardest part would be closest to my heart. I'm there now. The parts closest to your heart hurt the most. And it hurts like hell. I have said before that my fight or flight kicks in in bad situations, and i have a tendency to flight. Now i know that i flight the MOST often where my male relationships are concerned. I don't want to be hurt so i get the hell out of there.
I think i have begun to realize that i have GOT to stay and fight it out. My parents fought SOOO much that it's just not something i enjoy doing. Not that many people do, but i avoid it at ALL costs. I have also realized that this far, the people that i have dipped out on the most are the ones that care about me the most and care about the nature of our relationship.
Men are wired so much differently than women. One in particular has decided that the next time i run, that's it. Sounds fair. I won't bother to bring up all of the crap that I put up with before i ran, but ok. He's got enough going on without me losing it and bringing it back around. I understand that.
What i have also realized is that for every time that i did run, there was usually quite a bit that i put up with silently before i got to that point. My patience level is high, but i run before the conflict. I put up with a lot, but i don't like what happens when the conflict is imminent. So i have learned that i need to speak up a little more. Don't allow so much to fester underneath. Once the pot boils over, it's too late.
This is only a small taste of what could be and who i hope to be someday, or tomorrow...
I want to be not only a better human being, but a better Christian in every way possible.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


Recently, my car broke down. I was with my mother and it was just before 10pm. There were quite a few people i could call to come and pick us up, but my Mom's words were, "No, it's late. Everyone is probably settled for the night." I told her that i would not hesitate to pick up someone that called me. She said, "Sometimes the things that you would do for people would not necessarily be returned, and don't assume that they will be."
A year ago, i would have thought she was crazy, but Bob has taught me otherwise.
From previous posts, Bob has been that one friend. He is/was so important to me, but there were always conditions with Bob. Nothing was ever cut and dry, black and white. He knows me better than anyone, but still fails to understand me. There are people that i can call for anything, anytime, anywhere, and i foolishly assumed (you know that whole thing about assuming) that no matter what happened, we would always be ok.
Apparently, however, making sure that things are on the up and up where our relationship is concerned is too much of a request. One that cannot be handled for whatever reason. This roller coaster ride that was our "friendship" is over because he couldn't handle the answer to one single question that would give me some peace of mind. This is what leads to him not understanding me. Everything about our relationship matters. Even if he feels it is insignificant, it matters to me. It's unfortunate that he cannot see that sometimes it's not all about him. Most of the time in fact it's not at all about him, but about the fact that i have this friend with whom i can share anything, and have a great history with.
I have come to realize that there are deal breakers in every relationship. My violating his personal space was his. His loss, but sad nonetheless. I will still be one of the best friends he ever had. And he will certainly be one of mine.
I have learned that being too selfless can be a problem.....for me. I make myself too available. However, i'm not sure that i know how else to be. It's not that i can't say no. It's just that i like helping. People ask and if i'm able, then i do.
Probably diagnostically irrelevant. Maybe this is perfectly fine. Maybe it will be years before i realize that it is not.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Politics and the Church

This election left me reeling for quite a few reasons. I discovered that many, many people voted Republican because of their so called conservative views. I discovered that the people who did not vote Republican were in some cases chastised by Christians.
There is absolutely nothing in the bible that says that a Republican vs a Democrat is: getting into heaven faster; will have a better seat, vantage point or benefit, right or wrong.
This kind of divisive thinking keeps people from being open about their beliefs. If i only voted Republican because i am a Christian, that is not right. If i vote Republican because they line up with my view point, then that's a whole different story.
My opinion is politics do not belong in the church. Not that i think they should not be talked about, but i really would rather not know who my Pastor is voting for. I am ok, however, knowing who my pew neighbor voted for. They have that right. They have their opinion and are entitled to such. I don't care that they like John McCain or why. I do my own research and form my own opinion. I enjoy hearing peoples' views, but again, don't really care. I know that sounds like double talk, but hey that's just my opinion.