Thursday, July 2, 2009

Questions and Answers

I think i have reached the end of my blogging life. I have answers now that fit with who i am and what i want and why i am the way that i am. Now the trick is to fix it. Change it. Make it better. Don't let it continue to be a part of me.
My issue with men had to do with leadership or lack thereof. I have to learn to be patient and less prideful about how i deal with them. I get very frustrated when men do not live up to what they are expected or supposed to live up to. I found myself angry with men that had nothing to do with me on a day to day level. They were other people's husbands, boyfriends and brothers. I have learned that i passed that frustration on to the men that i dated. I would put up with a lot for a while knowing deep down that they were not for me for whatever reason and in the end be completely surprised when things didn't work out. If i had to look back on them, i knew from the absolute very beginning that things wouldn't work out. Go with your gut.
I have had so many many missteps in relationships and been in so many that i should not have been in, and did not spend enough time nurturing the two relationships that mattered the most. My own father and God.
The relationship between a father and a daughter is so complex. I didn't realize how much until i started having lunches and dinners with him once a month about 6 years or so ago. Getting to know him as a grown up and not the little girl that was so constantly disappointed in him. Getting to the heart of why HE is the way that HE is. It has a lot to do with his parents. But in the end recognizing that he at least did not want to be his parents and wanted very much for our relationship to flourish and grow. I would have my bad days. I would have days when all of the memories would come flooding back into my brain and i would be in that state of confusion and self doubt all over again. Was this really working? Will we really ever be able to get past it? All of it? Maybe not, but i don't let it dominate me anymore. I don't want it to set the tone for the relationships that i have yet to be in. For that one and final relationship that i will be in before i become someone's wife.
Formative years are important. And i learned in my formative years that men will indeed disappoint. As a matter of fact, so will God. I used to pray and pray to God as a child to change my daddy and make him better. But it never happened. I realize now how much that has settled with me. How much it has rocked my faith over the years. Faith in God. Faith in men. Faith in some people in general. As a grown up, i know that there is only so much that God can do. Literally. That whole free will thing really jacks us up in the end. The person has to want to change. The person has to want to be better, do better. God will not force Himself on anyone. But the child in me could not understand why things never got better. Why God didn't just snap his fingers, blink his eyes, move mountains and make it better. Ask and you shall receive right??
I know better now. I am not nearly as disappointed in God as I was. I am a little more expectant for what i need now. I believe that what i am looking for is indeed out there somewhere. I believe that God has someone for me who is better than the best man i have ever dated. This time in my life is set apart to figure that out. How on earth could i possibly have given someone a chance feeling the way that i have felt? Not knowing the true reasons behind it; going into things with doubt, distrust and flat out disbelief that anything good could come of it; that every man would treat me like my Father did. And to a certain extent, allowing every man that i have dated to treat me like my Father did. Yes, allowing. You teach people how to treat you, and i allowed a lot.
So, in going through what i have been through (the drinking, the sin of sex, the idol talk, the anger, the distrust, the lack of faith, the loneliness that started it all) since turning 30, my questions have been answered. At least interpersonally for now. The things i have learned in two very short years will have to stick with me and keep me going for the rest of my life. I am not my circumstances. I am not my feelings, and neither are the people that i felt them for. It's no more their fault than it is mine that i felt this way my whole life. The trick now is to make myself better. To be open to change.
And i believe that with the God that i serve and pray to every single day by my side, i can do it. I can have a healthy relationship now. My fears of marriage and relationships will get better from now on, and that's what i was looking for.

Zephaniah 3:17 is my most favorite verse in the world. I had never really paid much attention to 18-20 before, but they apply to me as well.

17The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing."
18 "The sorrows for the appointed feasts I will remove from you; they are a burden and a reproach to you.
19 At that time I will deal with all who oppressed you; I will rescue the lame and gather those who have been scattered. I will give them praise and honor in every land where they were put to shame.
20 At that time I will gather you; at that time I will bring you home. I will give you honor and praise among all the peoples of the earth when I restore your fortunes before your very eyes," says the LORD.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Singles vs.Couples

I have been experiencing a problem lately with a couple. Or more appropriately, the husband of the couple. He gets on my nerves. A lot. He has been for a while, but once you have reached a certain threshold, it's to the point of not even wanting to be around the couple because of the husband. The wife is super sweet. A little uptight and i have to do a lot of personality juggling because we are a tad bit different but in a LOT of ways. But i like her. I enjoy her company, and seek it moderately frequently.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. She is aware that i am not completely fond of him. We had a moment when neither of us was particularly fond of him. It's to the point now though that neither one of us is very fond of each other. We speak out of politeness and that's about it. I'm really tired of even making the effort. It's very taxing. But i don't know how to make it better or what to say to make it different even.
I have a feeling that it will end up being one of those things that kind of slips away and i eventually just won't be friends with her anymore. He's too overbearing for it to happen any other way and the effort would become too great after a while.
I feel very sorry for him and all of his insecurities. But it wouldn't bother me much if i never saw him again. In the process of all of that, i may end up never seeing her again instead.

Monday, May 18, 2009

For the Love of Life

Matthew 6
25 Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'
33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


Psychologists have discovered that people would rather be beaten than live in isolation. I don't know which psychologists, I just know that they say this. On Maslow's hierarchy, it falls right under food and shelter. Depending on the situation, I bet some would take community over food and shelter. Having people, not just any people, but good people, is essential.....vital, even.
I have discovered that while I loved having my friends from a distance, I needed some close ones too. Some friends that I could have coffee with or lunch with or drive down the highway with. The people over the phone were doing a phenomenal job. They truly were/are, but there's nothing like face to face contact and a shoulder to cry on that doesn't have four legs and a tail. No, I needed human contact on a more regular basis. More than a few hello's and goodbye's twice a week. I needed people who wanted to invest in me as much as I wanted to invest in them. Open, no holds barred relationships.
I think I have found it. I think that because success is not only important to me, I blieve that I have found people who genuinely care about what happens to me. Not just say they do, but really do. I'm enjoying having the conversations that make me think about who I am and where I'm going and what I want out of right now, today and life.
My steps today are babysteps. Steps not bound by rules or judgement. Steps that make a difference and will not result in two steps back because I expected too much or tried to do too much or wanted too much too soon.
Even babies know their limits and don't go crawling off of cliffs. At least not alone anyway. They'll try almost anything if Daddy is holding their hand.

Monday, April 27, 2009


The act of being genuine.
Of late i have been feeling very insincere. False really. Kind of on the surface. I can't really explain it except to say that i feel like i am trying too hard to fit into a space that i don't fit into. I'm not sure why i feel this way. I'm not sure of where i don't belong, but i do know that the feeling is frequent.....lately.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

People Pleasing Codependency

Deep right? This what I have discovered about myself. Its not so much that I'm there for people's problems as much as in certain circumstances and with certain people, I 1. Cannot be completely honest with them and how the nature of our relationship may not be what's best for me and 2. Feel that as long as I feel like I am needed by these people, then I have to be there.
The bottom line for realizing all of this is that I should be trying to please God. Some relationships I have should be completely severed, but for those two reasons choose people over God and pleasing Him.
This is harder for me than almost anything. I care about these people A LOT. Some have been in my life for a long time, some just a little while. And truth be told, I don't really want to do it. But its not about me. If I can swing this, I think I will have turned a very important corner in my spiritual growth.
Even though I can't see God smiling when I do the right thing, I know that he is.

Monday, April 6, 2009


Not too long after the last post, i realized that decisions can be made, but it does not mean that God is not able to make a miracle out of our mess.
Yes, we have free will, and yes we can do pretty much whatever we want/choose.
The good news is, no matter what decision we make, God can make the best of anything.
I'm leaning on that particular fact today.

1God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

Psalms 46:1-3