Friday, November 30, 2007


I have never really been very consistent with anything. Absolutely nothing. There may be a good reason for that. I'm going today to find out if i have ADD. I know. It seems crazy. I'm a thousand years old.....ADD? There were tests done earlier in the millennium that eluded to that, but never medicated. I need to know. I am about to embark on another degree and I cannot suffer through another one like i did the first two. I feel so discombobulated so much of the time.
Last night i couldn't sleep. There was so much going on in my head. I couldn't even gather my thoughts enough to get a prayer together. Everything was so much. My money troubles are never ending. My family troubles are rediculous. I'm trying to maintain -- not let them get me down. Someone, somewhere has it so much worse, so i'll survive. The trick is surviving with the consistency of christianity.
I am in the process of reading Blue Like Jazz, and it is so incredibly eye opening! I want to take the things that i learn, not only from this book but every book i read, and really apply it. I want to remember that christianity has a purpose and that purpose is to show love. Not show people up, but show love. I keep reminding myself that Christ walked with Judas for three years knowing that he would hand him over to the enemy. If that's not love, i don't know what is.
Show love.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

For the sake of life

I feel like i really screwed up my 20's. I didn't try hard enough, i didn't do enough to change until later in my 20's. So, here i sit on the cusp of a new decade hoping to make amends with myself and maybe even a few people from the past. No, i'm not a 12 stepper, I just really don't want another decade to go by wondering "what if".
I want to be more straight forward. More adventurous. More open to relationships of any kind. I want to be more brave. I figure maybe if a keep of record of my attempt at bravery that I will actually make the effort. So, here goes nothing.