Wednesday, July 30, 2008

...And Sometimes He Sends Help

Last night our church had our monthly week of prayer. We come together and have a congregational prayer for any and everything everyone needs. After our group prayer one of the members comes up to me and the following exchange ensued
Les -- "You remind me so much of myself when i was your age."
Me -- "Oh really? How's that?"
Les -- "You've been living your spiritual life for so long and you begin to wonder what's the point? You feel like you try so hard and work so hard to do what God wants you to do and you see everyone else getting everything you want, and you begin to wonder what's the point? You feel like God has forgotten you. You can believe everything can come to everyone else but yourself. You can believe it for her (as she points to one of the college youth) but you can't believe it for yourself. Believe in what God has for you. Believe that God can give it to you too. Believe that he hears you and sees you and that all the good things you've done do not go unnoticed."

At this point there were no words. Just uncontrollable sobbing from me. Over the past few years one of my many mantras has been, "I believe in what God has for me. I believe in what God has for me." I had not expressed any of this to Les. I hardly ever see her to tell you the truth. She saw what was inside me and felt compelled to help. My pain is being seen. My desires are being heard. My heart is going to stop hurting. My help comes from the Lord.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Bored, Anxious, Tired

God help me to be content with where i am.

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
Romans 8:25-26

7Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;do not fret when men succeed in their ways,when they carry out their wicked schemes. Psalms 37:7

Psalms 40
1 I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.
4 Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.
5 Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.
6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced; burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll.
8 I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart."
9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, as you know, O LORD. 10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and salvation. I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD; may your love and your truth always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me; O LORD, come quickly to help me.
14 May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion; may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace.
15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!" be appalled at their own shame.
16 But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say,"The LORD be exalted!"
17 Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.

To Be Real

Does one really want to reap what they sow? Of course not. You must be careful what you sow. I'm hoping that i have sown good seed. I'm hoping that the seeds i'm sowing now are good, although i know that some aren't.
To be in God's will means to do things you sometimes don't want to do and to not do things that you really want to do. I do my quiet time (though not as faithfully as i should) so that i can hear from God. The more time you spend with Him, the better you are able to hear His voice. I spent so much quiet time in the beginning of the year. So much time praying for people and for church.
I believe that when you pray for people, situations, families that your prayers are heard and God starts to move. I believe that everyone has an angel or two, and that those angels are dispatched to do whatever it is that God deems to be the solution to the problem prayed for. I believe that when the enemy sees the good that is happening, he sends his own angels to disrupt the good that is being done. I've been praying for a few marriages, some specific, some in general. I'm not the only one either. Now, many, many marriages are in trouble or over. I'm not saying that my prayers are so effective that that is the reason for the disruption. BUT many people have been praying -- for specific marriages and marriage in general. More to the point my own views of marriage have been skewed. So not only are the marriages under attack, but the frame of mind of stable singles are as well. I'm not the only single girl who sees the break down, and it's beginning to affect us. The trick is to pray without ceasing. Pray and keep praying no matter what. Because the prayers of the righteous avails much (James 5:16).

Monday, July 28, 2008

Ain't No Mountain High Enough

What have we learned so far?
1. My lack of faith goes back to childhood and unanswered prayers
2. The same goes with my lack of trust in God and in Men
3. My empathy is very very strong. It can sometimes take over logical thinking
4. I would love to be married and have kids someday, despite what i have talked myself into for the past decade
5. My quiet time with God is quintessential to my growth and to staying mentally and spiritually healthy.
6. My lack of faith and trust is a generational curse (learned yesterday).
7. I am capable of what God places on my heart.
8. I truly can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

That's all i got so far, but i felt like i should track my progress.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Give it away

Yesterday was hard. I dealt with it though. I tried to focus more on the result and what the result should be. The result should be that i give everything to God. EVERYTHING
I think that there are some situations in my life right now that have been pushed forward because of what i have done. I think that my complications with certain relationships came about because of what i did..... I don't think i am making myself clear. I am inclined to believe that one of these relationships was supposed to come about eventually, but since i took control, it came about too early and is causing complication that may not have been there had i let God have it. I think that makes more since. The reason i think this is because of the work that is being done in me. I don't believe that it was meant to be done in the same circle as some people. I believe that i was meant to go through this and then the relationship could be whatever it was supposed to be. That way, things would not be complicated. Things would be clear.
Yesterday, i tried to give it to God. All of the thoughts that should not have been in my head. All of the feelings that cause the discontent that should not be there. I tried to give it to God. It's a process. Because for me that also means being patient, and as i said in an earlier post, patience is not necessarily my thing. But i must give it away.
In an earlier post i wrote the line to an FFH song "Lord move. Or move me." I think God is moving me....right out of the way so that he can do the perfect work in me that should be done. So that my life can be simple enough to depend on Him without doubt, without trepidation, without fear.
Ironically enough, the thought process that i had when i was praying what i thought were unanswered prayers as a child, should be revisited now. Child-like faith is what God wants from us. To believe as children believe and not doubt. To get back to the simplicity of what God really is. Who God really is.
3But I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent's cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ. 2 Corinthians 11:3
Those are Paul's' words to the church of Corinth. We should never stray away from the pure devotion to Christ. When we do, we become prime cuts for the devil. Believe it or not, one of my most favorite versus is 10The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10
The enemy wants to destroy you. If that means he will use other people to do it, then he will. If that means he will use situations to do it, then he will. When i am in the place that i have been in for the past 6 months, i try to remember that the devil wants to destroy me, and i should do everything in my spiritual power to not allow it. If that means dumping people, it means dumping people. If that means dumping some social situations, then it must be done. If that means dumping certain movies or music, then so be it. People are the hardest, but i believe the most necessary.
When people around you start to change your devotion to Christ, it's time to move around. Nothing should separate us. I have allowed things to separate me, but NOTHING should separate us from our relationship, our time, our devotion to God.
Through all of this, i have wanted nothing more on Sunday mornings than to stay in the bed and not be bothered. But i have learned from past experiences that that is not the way. That is not what God wants. During this time He wants us to be closer than ever. Try harder than ever no matter what. I get a little closer every time. I still went to church, but kept to myself in the beginning. In times like these, you can't be alone with your thoughts and feelings to run ram shot in your brain. That only makes it worse. You only feel worse, and it only leaves room for the enemy to come in and work his stuff in your head. I'm getting it. Little by little i'm getting it. It's all a mental fight, but the fight won't be a fight if you continue to stay in God's presence.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

GPS--- God Positioning Saints

This morning Bob says to me "Over the past couple of weeks, I'm not sure who you are." I said, "Good. Hopefully, in another couple of weeks i will be an entirely different person, but for the better."
There are some things floating around in my brain --- in my heart that never used to float there before. I am one of the rare bodies who can say that i really am okay being single for as long as i need to be. For me it means that God knows that i'm not ready, and the bottom line is, i'm okay with that. Heaven forbid i walk into something that i am not ready for when i should have marinated just a little while longer. Or worse yet, he should have marinated just a little while longer. Having said that, i will be single for as long as it takes for God to position me and/or my future husband to where we need to be together.
Now, having said that, i don't believe that the things that have me so discontent have come from God. I don't think that all of this is supposed to make me discontent, but to observe, make mental notes and adjust myself accordingly.
I am, by nature an emotional person. I wish all the time that i could change that. I wish that i could not allow things to affect me so incredibly deeply, but they do. It is the nature of a woman, it is the nature of me. For the most part, i have learned to deal with it. Say what needs to be said if it needs to be said and move on. If it doesn't, then i clam up.
This whole marriage thing has gotten me a little discontent. Mostly because i am so afraid of it. I am pretty thankful that there has not been even the possibility of marriage in my brief dating lifetime. I was not ready. I'm still not ready. But the thought has been floating, floating. The idea has been kicked around as i watch all of these married people deal with their married problems. I am so thankful for the ones that are open and honest about the good, the bad and the ugly of marriage. I appreciate their honesty and willingness to talk about it.
Through the recent spiritual revelations that have been given to me, i feel that God is positioning me. I don't necessarily feel like it is for marriage, but he is positioning me to move. Not literally of course. But to move. He is moving me. He is moving me to a higher place of faith. Moving me to put my faith and trust more deeply in Him. To not have so much faith in the prayers of a 6, 7, 8 year old girl who couldn't possibly understand the dynamics of her parents relationship. Moving me to believe beyond what i could possibly dream of for myself. Believe in Him and what He has to offer and give me. Not what i can "create" for myself. I have spent so much time trying to MAKE myself believe the things that as a christian should be a natural given ability. He's moving me to make it more natural. To go with the flow that He has created. And if in the process, i move the wrong way or go the wrong direction, He will redirect me like any good GPS device should.
"You missed your turn. Turn left at the next intersection to be rerouted to your destination." I get tears just thinking about it. (although everything makes me cry these days) God loves me so much that He is taking this route to increase my faith in Him. To make it easier on me. It will be so much easier if i just BELIEVE. Leave it all to Him and follow the GPS. No worries. No questions. Just turn where He says turn, and try not to get distracted by the things along the way so that i miss my turn.
I do believe that God wants what's best for me. I do believe that everything, EVERYTHING works together for the good of them that love the Lord. But i must put my belief into action. I must praise Him through this so that i can praise Him in the end. I have to be movable or else i will make everything harder than it should be.
I am being broken so that i can be better. It hurts like hell, but i appreciate it so much.
God is positioning me.

Monday, July 21, 2008

More to it

I can't believe that so much has come through that one revelation. It was so overwhelming I couldn't sleep last nite. Now i am wondering how to go about increasing my faith with the knowledge that i have. This has answered so many questions for me. I have not been happy because i doubted God's ability to make me happy. I didn't try certain things because i doubted God's ability to intervene. That's why this year was so important to me. That's why i know that when i meet the person that i will marry, it will be appointed by God. Because i believe differently about what i expect God to do for me. Everything in life that has happened to me got blamed on my not praying hard enough or not believing hard enough and all of that went back to my prayers for my parents. This has explained why i have dated so many emotionally unavailable men. Deep down, i did not believe that there was better. My dad was emotionally unavailable to my mom. My mom never really loved my dad. So how do you do what you don't see? You tell a child to draw a tree, and if the child has never seen a tree, you could get a house. I'm trying to see the tree, and all of the beauty that it brings.
It was (and still is) so hard for me to say that I will be happy someday. I've been so unhappy for so long that i never believed that i would be happy. Only content. Only settled.
But God.....
He has intervened and made me realize that my life is worth the fight. That everything bad that happens is not because of Him. Sometimes it's because of us. I wonder now though, where do i go with this? How do i continue to make it grow? How do i continue to move forward and not go backward?
I want more than anything to be happy. That's all i've ever wanted. So much of my life even now is not making me happy. Choices i have made have changed my frame of mind.
God loves me enough to want me to be better. God loves me enough to send me what i need to be better, and it has come in different forms, different people, different situations. I know that everything leads to something else. Be it bad or be it good. One thing leads to another. God loves me enough to want me to be happy, and He will do whatever it takes to help me to get there. I'm thankful that even when i give up. God does not give up on me.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

The Power of Positivity

This has been an interesting year. I believe that God wanted growth from me this year. No matter how I screwed it up, H e was determined to see growth in me. If I was willing to take it, He was willing to grow me. My frequent prayer for strength would come to pass, but not without the steps to make stronger.
This week's ah ha moment is to release the fear. I'll explain.
It occurred to me today that my fear of relationships stems from my parents marriage. "Yeah, yeah." You say, "You've already covered that." Here's what's new to be added to that..... My fear was based on a lack of faith. A lack of faith that was established through my parents' marriage that planted a terrible, terrible seed that would follow me the rest of my life.
When I was a kid, I used to pray to God that my Dad would not cheat on my Mom anymore and that we could all be happy together. I prayed that prayer A LOT. It never came to pass. As a child that unanswered prayer, at least that's how my 10 year old brain perceived it, meant that God didn't care. I was mad at God. I wouldn't admit it then. Twenty years later I was still reluctant to admit it. But I have been mad at God, when I really should have been mad at the devil. God had nothing to do with my parents breaking up. Did I want Him to intervene? Of course. Was that possible based on the realm of free will that God created for us? No. My Father CHOSE to do what he did and behave the way that he did. My mother chose to marry him. Now, here's where it gets sticky. Beyond the creation of my sister and I, that marriage should have never happened. She had doubts before she got into it and chose to ignore them. What hand could God have in people who decide to give life a go on their own? Not much except to clean it up after. I don't know about you, but I don't wan to have God as a "clean up man". We choose our fate. That is what Bob wanted me to see. And since we choose our fate, we have to deal with any negative consequences. Deal with it. Don't leave your life to chance. Pray daily.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

A Challenging Challenge

I have been faced with a challenge. No. Not something that must be faced by way of conquering. Not really. I have a friend. Since this is continually the the same friend, I will give him the inside joke blue collar name of Bob.
I don't know how he does it, but Bob is probably one of the most nonchalant, chill, laid back people i know. I have to preface this by wondering if someday Bob will have a massive coronary from all of the things that he keeps bottled up inside. But if you ask him. It is not "bottled", but given over to God. I wondered how in the whole wide universe that was possible. Then, i remembered....dudes do that.
That's all there is to it. Women do the best to deal with things and move on, but we internalize by nature. The result will vary from woman to woman. Some handle things better than others. Some are type A control freaks who will in fact have a massive coronary someday. Some are so laid back that they never get anything done. Then of course there are those in between who are much like Bob. They will internalize, but they know what to do with it, and they move on.
A fact of life in the United States is that women out live men who usually die from heart attack usually (barring any physiological problems) brought on (studies also show) from basically bottling up their feelings. Interesting isn't it?
So, here's my challenge. I told him that i would not speak negatively on my life for a week if he would not swear for a week. Done!
The winner gets a favor for each infraction. Done!
So it starts. It's a very interesting challenge because it's usually easy for me to be positive in the short term. It's not even hard to be positive long term.....verbally. Keeping the thoughts out of my head is another thing. That's the true challenge.
Good thing Bob can't read my mind.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Forgiveness, Grace & Freedom

The lyrics to a song i love say that "you can't be free if you don't reach for help." Very true.
Today is a good day. Today i was happy to wake up. Yesterday was the first day in a long time that i felt, really felt like i would be okay. Maybe i've said that before, i don't know, but there were some things that i had to get off my chest and it is done.
I have never been at a church where the people care so much about your well being and your soul and your life that they would actually take the TIME to care.
I've had it rough this year. Really rough. Everything smoothed out in the tumultuous relationship with my mom, but then things started happening within me.
All i've ever wanted was to help people be better people. I still did that. I still have great relationships, and still want to help people grow. But in combination wanted to grow myself. This was the year for that. Even through screwing up (literally) my spiritual growth, i still feel like i have grown. I feel like even though what happened was not positive in the eyes of God, I have learned so much from it that i can't say that i'm sorry it's happened.
My Pastor made a very very good point yesterday in saying, "if you don't mess up every now and again, you don't get to learn how to do it right." The other thing he said was, "how do you know that what you're going through right now won't help someone else in the future? Chances are, what you are going through right now will be able to help someone in their walk."
That's when i remembered that it's not about me. It's never been about me.
I have spent the last 4 months in tears because of the pain that i have been in. Forgetting that there is still ministry in the mistake. Forgetting that my life is not over because i broke a commandment. If only for the reconnection that occurred during that time, i am grateful that it happened.
I am going to be okay. In so many ways and on so many levels. I realize that now. I just wonder how long i will remember it. The goal is to take this and tuck it away and try harder to reach for God first. Try harder to remember the promises of God. Forgiveness is forever. The sea of forgetfulness. Blood shed for the sin that i have committed and have yet to commit.
My singleness is still a good and wonderful thing. The things that i do now, i am able to do because i am single. I can do more for God single than i could married at this point. That's why i have always been so content to be single. God has plans for me that i can't even see. There are people who will cross my path that need to know that being single is not the end of the world. When i look at all of the people who are married and unhappy, it makes me even more content to be single and satisfied.
I just hope that i have the courage to do whatever it is i am supposed to do to continue to be whole and healed, and the ability to help others be whole and healed. Sadness should not be a way of life. That's next on my list. I'm not sure how, but i will get this conquered. Having someone in my life who treats me like every girl in the world wants to be treated is not so far fetched that it won't happen. Using the gifts that i prayed for is not far fetched either. Having a career that i am happy with is not far fetched.
I am mostly disappointed that i forgot this:
33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:33-34

Friday, July 11, 2008


This deserves a post if only because it's funny. I have been working out a lot this summer. I mean 4 - 5 days a week a lot. So, i had bet a friend of mine that i would lose 20 pounds faster than them.
Well, in the turmoil that was this week, I GAINED 8 POUNDS! Now i have to lose almost 30 pounds instead of just the 20.
Emotional eating is never a good thing..... back to the drawing board.
Pilates till i die!

I found a list

As i have been plagued with insomnia yet again (i think i have slept a total of 8 hours the past two nights), i have been cleaning and organizing. While organizing one room, i found a journal from more than 10 years ago that contained a list that my sister and i made of what we would like in a future husband. I think i was about 20 or 21 at the time. It's pretty comical to read now, but i thought i would post it because it's kind of fun too. So, here we go unedited:
1. saved
2. financially stable
3. 5'10" - 6'8"
4. no children
5. limited sexual past
6. stable family life
7. honest
8. trustworthy
9. sense of humor but knows when to be serious
10. faithful
11. responsible
12. trustful
13. good looking
14. nice eyes
15. nice smile
16. nice teeth
17. sensitive
18. reserved
19. mutual family liking
20. at least 3 years older
21. unselfish
22. good conversation
23. ambitious
24. intelligent
25. encouraging
26. physically fit for his size
27. well mannered
28. good tempered
29. patient
30. not cheap
31. has his own running vehicle
32. hardworking but relaxed
33. outspoken but knows when to keep quiet
34 spontaneous
35. athletic
36. healthy in every aspect

Clearly this list is from a very young and inexperienced mind. I look at this list now and there are some things that would be moved up, removed all together and moved down. Patience would definitely be in my top five since i know i have ADD. Encouraging would be in my top 10. Spontaneous would be in my top 10. I would take the height requirement out of my top 10. haha
I look at this list wondering if it will even come to pass. I want to be married just like the next person, but well, we'll have to see.
It's really sort of ironic. For years, especially after my first serious relationship ended, i didn't care if i got married or not. I didn't care if i had children or not. Now, however, i would love to be married, i would love to have my 3 or more children. I would like to be a mom. I've never admitted that or said that out loud. I would like to be a mom. Before, being a mom scared me. It's such a huge responsibility. Being responsible for the well being of another person for the rest of your life or their lives is overwhelming. I know from other moms that the responsibility does not stop just because your child grows up. You may not have as much input as you used to, but they will always be your baby.
We're reading a great book in the Women's ministry at church by Myles Munroe called the Purpose and Power of Woman. The Men's ministry is reading The Purpose and Power of Man. When we finish our books we're going to switch and read each others' books. I'm very excited about it because of how differently men and women communicate. I always know that, but when i'm in a relationship, it always goes right out the window. When i talk to my friends about their relationship, i tell them "you have to think like a guy. You cannot think like a girl." And that is usually the number one mistake that i make. Funny, i know. I don't know. I think that i'm so busy thinking that this person should be taking care of me and doing what i ask that i don't even a point.
One of the things i realized about myself since i made that list and have been in a few relationships since that list, is that i tend to get into self preservation mode. Especially after my first serious relationship. Only the National Guard could get in after that. I did not make it easy and sometimes i was not nice. So, now, i'm trying to be a little more open and accepting. Not so tough and school of hard knox. I have realized though that it's easier for a girl to think like a guy than it is for a guy to think like a girl. I can't wait to see what the Purpose and Power of Man says about how we should be treating them. The Women's book was pretty much on point.
When i make this move to Houston, I'm going to be better. In a better place emotionally, spiritually, mentally (i hope). I'm looking forward to the change. I wish it could happen sooner, but it'll be great when it does.
It will be funny to curl up with someone and laugh about the contents of my list and other things in that journal together. It would be great.

Thursday, July 10, 2008


God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

A Letter to You

I never dreamed in a million years that our paths would cross again. I thought that door was shut forever, and was prepared to deal with forever. I wondered how you were. What you were doing. If you were happy. Were you thinking about me too?
There are so many things that i do regret in my life, but you have never been one of them. I don't regret how i dealt with you. I don't regret what i said. I do regret that for everytime you explained to me that i didn't "get it", you didn't either. I love just as hard. And for me that means being a part of your life however terrible it is. However wonderful it is. I got it. I completely understood it. Every single part of it. But those were the parts that you didn't want to let me into, and i truly could not handle that. It's weird, even though i understood it, it was hard. It was hard to not get that piece of you. It made me sad more than it made me mad. I am sorry for any undue stress that may have been caused by me. I'm sorry that you felt the way you did in the end. I never meant to seem uncaring or unkind. I don't want to see you hurt anymore than you want to see me hurt. I'm sorry you felt as though i was being insulting in certain ways. I most certainly was not. Not by any means. I can see how it could be perceived that way, and i'm sorry for that.

I wish things could be different, but not in the way you might think. I wish love and happiness to you no matter what. I pray for peace and strength for you so that you can hang on for as long as you need to, to whatever you need to.
I'm getting to be ok. Not quite there yet, but i will be.....eventually. I wouldn't trade the past 4 months for anything though except for maybe forever. If forever never happens, then at least i know where we are. Where we stand. That we're good no matter what. I know that. I hope you know that.
I'm sorry it had to be so bad in the end. That was not my intention. I hate that it is the way that it is. That may be my only regret. Nothing about your life is a joke to me. Nothing about what you're going through is a joke to me.
Know that i will always be there to scratch your back if you need it.

Missing you lots

Wednesday, July 9, 2008


How long can i stand? How much longer can i be brave? How long can i stay strong? Life sucks and then you die. What is it all for? The quick and easy answer is to praise and glorify God. That is also a very tough answer. We get so caught up in our world that we forget that. We should never forget that.
It's very hard for me at this age and stage of my life to regret things. I think them through more, I analyze more. I make sure that I know the outcome before hand. So having my heart broken again, was definitely foreseen. It had to happen. The circumstances were too complicated for it to not happen. There is so much scar tissue now that i'm barely hanging on.
Heartache sucks. And then you die.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Dig deeper

Ok. I have never really truly been able to get over my parents divorce. I thought i was good. I thought i was ok. It's been 16 years after all, but that situation still keeps my guard up. Still causes me to doubt myself and others. That divorce and everything that led up to it has become the biggest factor in who i am today.
I want so badly to not be there. I want to be whole and healed. I did not realize that i still hold a lot of resentment toward both of my parents for how things turned out and most of all for how they helped shape me. I think that's what i resent most of all. I had virtually no say in who i became. I didn't even realize who i was until my 20's. I'm just now realizing how that has affected me so far. I want to change that. I want to make it better. I don't want to be one of those people who blames other people for who they are and how they are. If i am who i am, i want it to be because i chose to be this person. And even more than that, i want to be a person who makes a positive difference in the lives of others. It is truly a miracle that i am not a toxic person. I thank God for that every single day.
So, i have not had my quiet time since my little transgression. I need to do it again. I need to spend that time again. I have to know and understand that God the Father will continue to take care of me. Is taking care of me. No matter what. He looks past the sin. He looks into the heart of the sinner, and loves them inspite of. I will be ok. I will be ok. The person he has for me is out there somewhere getting whole and healed himself.......i hope.