Forgiveness, Grace & Freedom

The lyrics to a song i love say that "you can't be free if you don't reach for help." Very true.
Today is a good day. Today i was happy to wake up. Yesterday was the first day in a long time that i felt, really felt like i would be okay. Maybe i've said that before, i don't know, but there were some things that i had to get off my chest and it is done.
I have never been at a church where the people care so much about your well being and your soul and your life that they would actually take the TIME to care.
I've had it rough this year. Really rough. Everything smoothed out in the tumultuous relationship with my mom, but then things started happening within me.
All i've ever wanted was to help people be better people. I still did that. I still have great relationships, and still want to help people grow. But in combination wanted to grow myself. This was the year for that. Even through screwing up (literally) my spiritual growth, i still feel like i have grown. I feel like even though what happened was not positive in the eyes of God, I have learned so much from it that i can't say that i'm sorry it's happened.
My Pastor made a very very good point yesterday in saying, "if you don't mess up every now and again, you don't get to learn how to do it right." The other thing he said was, "how do you know that what you're going through right now won't help someone else in the future? Chances are, what you are going through right now will be able to help someone in their walk."
That's when i remembered that it's not about me. It's never been about me.
I have spent the last 4 months in tears because of the pain that i have been in. Forgetting that there is still ministry in the mistake. Forgetting that my life is not over because i broke a commandment. If only for the reconnection that occurred during that time, i am grateful that it happened.
I am going to be okay. In so many ways and on so many levels. I realize that now. I just wonder how long i will remember it. The goal is to take this and tuck it away and try harder to reach for God first. Try harder to remember the promises of God. Forgiveness is forever. The sea of forgetfulness. Blood shed for the sin that i have committed and have yet to commit.
My singleness is still a good and wonderful thing. The things that i do now, i am able to do because i am single. I can do more for God single than i could married at this point. That's why i have always been so content to be single. God has plans for me that i can't even see. There are people who will cross my path that need to know that being single is not the end of the world. When i look at all of the people who are married and unhappy, it makes me even more content to be single and satisfied.
I just hope that i have the courage to do whatever it is i am supposed to do to continue to be whole and healed, and the ability to help others be whole and healed. Sadness should not be a way of life. That's next on my list. I'm not sure how, but i will get this conquered. Having someone in my life who treats me like every girl in the world wants to be treated is not so far fetched that it won't happen. Using the gifts that i prayed for is not far fetched either. Having a career that i am happy with is not far fetched.
I am mostly disappointed that i forgot this:
33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:33-34