Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Baby Steps

Ok. So one of the reasons i started this blog was to document my decade. My bravery, my life, new beginnings, etc. I applied to a Master of Science Counseling program for the summer. It looks like i may be able to start June, but we're still working that part out. This took MAJOR bravery on my part. I know that i don't want to be where i am career wise (though it will be hard to leave this career), but i know that i may end up in Waco for a little while longer. Starting this degree is a way to stay busy, use my brain and become a little braver in my endeavors.
I also have recently been keeping up with an old friend (part of that precarious situation) and we have been able to clear the air about A LOT of things that went wrong in our friendship/relationship. One of the things that kept getting pointed out was that i am way more open now than i was then. Well, there was no way that i was ready to be open then, and i credit that relationship for doing that for me.
I have always known that you can learn the best things from the worst situations. Being able to make amends with this person, is proof of that. It occurred to me in the conversations that i was not so much mad as i was still hurt. I don't know which is worse. The anger and hurt both cause a little bitterness, but i think that the hurt is what causes the fear. It's natural instinct, i think, to try not to repeat past pain. Fear is what replaces that pain. You're afraid of getting hurt again, so you don't dare venture out into the same area. Life is funny that way. Most of the time, the things that you are afraid of are the very things you must face to be able to grow.
Baby steps. Baby steps.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


I am in the middle of an incredibly sticky situation. I never in my life thought that i would be here. I don't really understand the reason for everything. I know that this situation is exactly the reason why i have not dated in 5 years. I am being vague for a reason. I don't really want it to be true. Not yet. There is not really a reason for where i am except that the heart wants what it wants, and sometimes what it wants it doesn't necessarily need....

Monday, April 21, 2008

Spring in Texas!

I love Texas in the spring. The colors are amazing. The grass is green. The bluebonnets are blue. There are Indian paint brushes, pink poesy's, some strange yellow "weed" that takes over fields and looks like sunshine on the ground. It's amazing! It makes me happy. It makes me thankful. It makes me aware of Matthew 12:27-29
27"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it.
Worry is my middle name. Ever since i was a child i have worried. I worried when my parents fought. I worried that we didn't have enough money. I worried that Russia would attack the US in 1987. Yes, it's like i was born worrying. I've spent most of my adult life trying to "calm down". I am high strung by nature, but people would never know it because of the God that lives within me and because of my hyper sensitivity to it. Some of the old hymns from teeny tiny Baptist churches are beginning to ring true for me.
"I woke up this morning with my mind
Stayed on Jesus.
I woke up this morning with my mind
Stayed on Jesus."
That is where i want to be. That is how i want my life. To live without question, without doubt, without worry. To be a lilly in the field.