Thursday, July 2, 2009

Questions and Answers

I think i have reached the end of my blogging life. I have answers now that fit with who i am and what i want and why i am the way that i am. Now the trick is to fix it. Change it. Make it better. Don't let it continue to be a part of me.
My issue with men had to do with leadership or lack thereof. I have to learn to be patient and less prideful about how i deal with them. I get very frustrated when men do not live up to what they are expected or supposed to live up to. I found myself angry with men that had nothing to do with me on a day to day level. They were other people's husbands, boyfriends and brothers. I have learned that i passed that frustration on to the men that i dated. I would put up with a lot for a while knowing deep down that they were not for me for whatever reason and in the end be completely surprised when things didn't work out. If i had to look back on them, i knew from the absolute very beginning that things wouldn't work out. Go with your gut.
I have had so many many missteps in relationships and been in so many that i should not have been in, and did not spend enough time nurturing the two relationships that mattered the most. My own father and God.
The relationship between a father and a daughter is so complex. I didn't realize how much until i started having lunches and dinners with him once a month about 6 years or so ago. Getting to know him as a grown up and not the little girl that was so constantly disappointed in him. Getting to the heart of why HE is the way that HE is. It has a lot to do with his parents. But in the end recognizing that he at least did not want to be his parents and wanted very much for our relationship to flourish and grow. I would have my bad days. I would have days when all of the memories would come flooding back into my brain and i would be in that state of confusion and self doubt all over again. Was this really working? Will we really ever be able to get past it? All of it? Maybe not, but i don't let it dominate me anymore. I don't want it to set the tone for the relationships that i have yet to be in. For that one and final relationship that i will be in before i become someone's wife.
Formative years are important. And i learned in my formative years that men will indeed disappoint. As a matter of fact, so will God. I used to pray and pray to God as a child to change my daddy and make him better. But it never happened. I realize now how much that has settled with me. How much it has rocked my faith over the years. Faith in God. Faith in men. Faith in some people in general. As a grown up, i know that there is only so much that God can do. Literally. That whole free will thing really jacks us up in the end. The person has to want to change. The person has to want to be better, do better. God will not force Himself on anyone. But the child in me could not understand why things never got better. Why God didn't just snap his fingers, blink his eyes, move mountains and make it better. Ask and you shall receive right??
I know better now. I am not nearly as disappointed in God as I was. I am a little more expectant for what i need now. I believe that what i am looking for is indeed out there somewhere. I believe that God has someone for me who is better than the best man i have ever dated. This time in my life is set apart to figure that out. How on earth could i possibly have given someone a chance feeling the way that i have felt? Not knowing the true reasons behind it; going into things with doubt, distrust and flat out disbelief that anything good could come of it; that every man would treat me like my Father did. And to a certain extent, allowing every man that i have dated to treat me like my Father did. Yes, allowing. You teach people how to treat you, and i allowed a lot.
So, in going through what i have been through (the drinking, the sin of sex, the idol talk, the anger, the distrust, the lack of faith, the loneliness that started it all) since turning 30, my questions have been answered. At least interpersonally for now. The things i have learned in two very short years will have to stick with me and keep me going for the rest of my life. I am not my circumstances. I am not my feelings, and neither are the people that i felt them for. It's no more their fault than it is mine that i felt this way my whole life. The trick now is to make myself better. To be open to change.
And i believe that with the God that i serve and pray to every single day by my side, i can do it. I can have a healthy relationship now. My fears of marriage and relationships will get better from now on, and that's what i was looking for.

Zephaniah 3:17 is my most favorite verse in the world. I had never really paid much attention to 18-20 before, but they apply to me as well.

17The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing."
18 "The sorrows for the appointed feasts I will remove from you; they are a burden and a reproach to you.
19 At that time I will deal with all who oppressed you; I will rescue the lame and gather those who have been scattered. I will give them praise and honor in every land where they were put to shame.
20 At that time I will gather you; at that time I will bring you home. I will give you honor and praise among all the peoples of the earth when I restore your fortunes before your very eyes," says the LORD.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Singles vs.Couples

I have been experiencing a problem lately with a couple. Or more appropriately, the husband of the couple. He gets on my nerves. A lot. He has been for a while, but once you have reached a certain threshold, it's to the point of not even wanting to be around the couple because of the husband. The wife is super sweet. A little uptight and i have to do a lot of personality juggling because we are a tad bit different but in a LOT of ways. But i like her. I enjoy her company, and seek it moderately frequently.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. She is aware that i am not completely fond of him. We had a moment when neither of us was particularly fond of him. It's to the point now though that neither one of us is very fond of each other. We speak out of politeness and that's about it. I'm really tired of even making the effort. It's very taxing. But i don't know how to make it better or what to say to make it different even.
I have a feeling that it will end up being one of those things that kind of slips away and i eventually just won't be friends with her anymore. He's too overbearing for it to happen any other way and the effort would become too great after a while.
I feel very sorry for him and all of his insecurities. But it wouldn't bother me much if i never saw him again. In the process of all of that, i may end up never seeing her again instead.

Monday, May 18, 2009

For the Love of Life

Matthew 6
25 Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'
33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


Psychologists have discovered that people would rather be beaten than live in isolation. I don't know which psychologists, I just know that they say this. On Maslow's hierarchy, it falls right under food and shelter. Depending on the situation, I bet some would take community over food and shelter. Having people, not just any people, but good people, is essential.....vital, even.
I have discovered that while I loved having my friends from a distance, I needed some close ones too. Some friends that I could have coffee with or lunch with or drive down the highway with. The people over the phone were doing a phenomenal job. They truly were/are, but there's nothing like face to face contact and a shoulder to cry on that doesn't have four legs and a tail. No, I needed human contact on a more regular basis. More than a few hello's and goodbye's twice a week. I needed people who wanted to invest in me as much as I wanted to invest in them. Open, no holds barred relationships.
I think I have found it. I think that because success is not only important to me, I blieve that I have found people who genuinely care about what happens to me. Not just say they do, but really do. I'm enjoying having the conversations that make me think about who I am and where I'm going and what I want out of right now, today and life.
My steps today are babysteps. Steps not bound by rules or judgement. Steps that make a difference and will not result in two steps back because I expected too much or tried to do too much or wanted too much too soon.
Even babies know their limits and don't go crawling off of cliffs. At least not alone anyway. They'll try almost anything if Daddy is holding their hand.

Monday, April 27, 2009


The act of being genuine.
Of late i have been feeling very insincere. False really. Kind of on the surface. I can't really explain it except to say that i feel like i am trying too hard to fit into a space that i don't fit into. I'm not sure why i feel this way. I'm not sure of where i don't belong, but i do know that the feeling is frequent.....lately.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

People Pleasing Codependency

Deep right? This what I have discovered about myself. Its not so much that I'm there for people's problems as much as in certain circumstances and with certain people, I 1. Cannot be completely honest with them and how the nature of our relationship may not be what's best for me and 2. Feel that as long as I feel like I am needed by these people, then I have to be there.
The bottom line for realizing all of this is that I should be trying to please God. Some relationships I have should be completely severed, but for those two reasons choose people over God and pleasing Him.
This is harder for me than almost anything. I care about these people A LOT. Some have been in my life for a long time, some just a little while. And truth be told, I don't really want to do it. But its not about me. If I can swing this, I think I will have turned a very important corner in my spiritual growth.
Even though I can't see God smiling when I do the right thing, I know that he is.

Monday, April 6, 2009


Not too long after the last post, i realized that decisions can be made, but it does not mean that God is not able to make a miracle out of our mess.
Yes, we have free will, and yes we can do pretty much whatever we want/choose.
The good news is, no matter what decision we make, God can make the best of anything.
I'm leaning on that particular fact today.

1God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

Psalms 46:1-3

Friday, April 3, 2009

Go with your gut

What makes a person make certain decisions? Why do people, who supposedly have free will choose so wrongly so often? Even with good information and a belly full of doubt, a person will make a decision they know they should not be made.
Even in times when there was absolutely no doubt, i have still made a wrong decision. But it's those times when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are making the wrong decision that you make the decision anyway.
Just throwing it out there. Wondering for myself. Hoping to make it stop...

Thursday, March 26, 2009

An unusual pain

If you have never had your heart broken, you can never really understand the pain of heartache. I don't think there is anything in the world that cuts so incredibly deep and sucks the life purely out of you like heart break. Even the worst pain i have EVER had in my life cannot compare to the inner emptiness that comes from this. It is so indescribable that no one can give you words. It's, ironically enough, like trying to describe love. You don't know HOW it feels, but you feel it all the same.
For me, every time feels like the first time and every time, i cannot believe that i am getting my heart broken yet again. This is the stuff that bad romance novels are made of, except no one is coming to wisk me away.
I have tears that won't fall. Pain that can't be fixed with antiseptic, but at the same time, i am......hopeful.
And thankful.
Hopeful for the things i have in my life right now that are finally coming through that have nothing to do with a relationship.
Thankful that i don't need a relationship to make me happy, but that this too shall pass. It passed once before as much as possible to allow me the courtesy of living life. This should be no different.
I have a thirteen year old to mentor. A degree to obtain. A new career to start. A new church and new people to contend with. These are all very good things. And i am very excited about them.
I just think that my heart is finally getting the permission that my head would not give it before. To live and let live. I can grow from this. I can move on from this. I'm sticking to my no BS policy (and it is very very hard where some people are concerned). There are some that just aren't ready, willing or able to see the truth. I am now. It's ok now.
God needed to show me some things, and i needed to be able to see them.

Monday, March 23, 2009


I have mixed feelings. I am the number one culprit when it comes to self disclosure. Especially with people that i trust. I tend to trust very early, but not very often. I am coming to realize that the most important people in my life are those that are willing to return the favor.
The goal of the life groups are to break down the walls. To help you realize and undestand that you are not alone in all of this stuff that is called life. EVERYONE needs that one someone. No matter how terrible your secrets or how important you think it is to keep things to yourself. We were not created to be alone. No matter what the belief of the culture, no matter how private you think things SHOULD be. Sometimes, what we think might be the best advice under the worst circumstances should not be so. These things only make you feel alone and like you have to do things yourself to fix it, and that's just not the case.
The ability to give emotionally to the right person in times of turmoil and trouble are what make us realize that we cannot and should not deal with everything ourselves.
Normally, my "sharing" extends to the same two people (notice how the number has dropped from 4 to 2). Being in this life group means that i will need to be vulnerable with way more people on a very deep level. It's very easy to think that this would be a bad idea, but i have been talking to people who are doing it/have done it, and the confidentiality of people who really want to grow and become better people/christians is amazing!
The bottom line for me is that i am desperate to dig myself out of this hole of loneliness i have been in. Sharing with even the people that i share with has been helpful and encouraging. Branching out, and reaching people who may have the same problems as me, is even more encouraging. You would be surprised what's out there once you start speaking what's on your heart.

Monday, March 16, 2009


I have been attending a small group of sorts with all different types of people. These people have a variety of hurts, habits and hang ups that they want to fix from a spiritual perspective. While attending this group, it occurred to me that i really need more community in the church environment. I need more people my age, more than once a month, and i need the group to extend beyond church grounds....frequently.
So last week, i began to pray for the possibility of changing churches. The only thing is, i knew that the church i went to would be majority white, and i was not sure if i was ready for that. I love the culture of my church, but at the same time knew that if i didn't make a change, i would literally die spiritually. I prayed, and talked to God all last week. "God, should i change? I need more community. Is it ok that i change? Am i running out on my roots? Am i being impatient in waiting for them to grow? I need more community. What should i do?"
I visited this church that made the short list when i first moved into town. Majority white. They have 3 services, and i chose the later service. The theme/focus of the Pastor's sermon was community.
I didn't know what to say. He gave examples of why community is important. Why community can make or break your walk. What community does for each other. This one small group put their money together and bought one of their members a car. Another small group paid off a member's student loan debt so that he could go on a mission trip. Another group had a "Christmas in July" because this poor guy had not really had Christmas growing up.
This was exactly what i was looking for. Something beyond "give me your number, and i'll call you sometime." Purposeful community that is all up in your business besides, "i'll be praying for you." I'm not sure if this church specifically is the one that i will move to, but it certainly solidified what i needed out of a church in general.
This kind of thing is why i am so careful about who i spend my extra time with. People who seem "harmless" may in fact be harmless, but i cannot get the type of conversation that i got this weekend with just anyone, and every once in a while, i need that.
God loves me enough to answer a prayer that i never thought would be answered so quickly.

Monday, March 9, 2009

God Will Never Put More On You...

...than you can bear. I don't really like or agree with that sentence. What about the things you put on yourself? Choices made without much thought let alone prayer. Things said on the fly. This sentence is only true of the things that God does, but there are ways that we screw things up ourselves.
So far, only a few of my decisions will affect my forever. A couple of them indirectly. I am hoping that as things lay out in my life, i will not put more on myself than i can bear.

Monday, March 2, 2009

This one too...

6Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
8Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1Peter 5:6-8

Cast your cares...

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. Psalm 55:22

There are a few things hanging in the balance and i am especially in need of remembering this verse today.

Thursday, February 26, 2009


The bottom line is, i have abandonment issues. It's amazing and scary all at the same time to learn these things about myself. Mostly scary. I want to fix it. I want to make it better so that i can be a better person. One of my worst fears is going into a marriage with all of these issues that i failed to address because i was too much of a wimp to do it. I think that would be unfair to my future spouse.
I don't trust guys very much. Mostly from a relationship perspective. I am great at platonic friendships. I can be a very good non threatening friend to a guy that i am attracted to and to one that i am not attracted to. Once i'm in a relationship however, i tend to distrust more than i realize. Sometimes i am given cause and sometimes i am not. My history is so complicated and cliche' all at the same time.
Once i realized that i was so heavy with baggage, i began to worry less about being married right away and more about me. Twenty-five was it. I realized that i did not want to bring my baggage into a marriage and i had better work on it. So began to pray less that "he" would show up and more that i would be ready for whoever "he" is.
I began to pray that he would love God more than himself and really understand to love me as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25). I prayed that he have patience, understanding, a sense of humor and that he is not so heavenly minded that he is no earthly good. In other words, i want us to be able to have fun!
Years ago, when i realized that the wall i put up is more like WALLS, i began to chip away, knowing that the hardest part would be closest to my heart. I'm there now. The parts closest to your heart hurt the most. And it hurts like hell. I have said before that my fight or flight kicks in in bad situations, and i have a tendency to flight. Now i know that i flight the MOST often where my male relationships are concerned. I don't want to be hurt so i get the hell out of there.
I think i have begun to realize that i have GOT to stay and fight it out. My parents fought SOOO much that it's just not something i enjoy doing. Not that many people do, but i avoid it at ALL costs. I have also realized that this far, the people that i have dipped out on the most are the ones that care about me the most and care about the nature of our relationship.
Men are wired so much differently than women. One in particular has decided that the next time i run, that's it. Sounds fair. I won't bother to bring up all of the crap that I put up with before i ran, but ok. He's got enough going on without me losing it and bringing it back around. I understand that.
What i have also realized is that for every time that i did run, there was usually quite a bit that i put up with silently before i got to that point. My patience level is high, but i run before the conflict. I put up with a lot, but i don't like what happens when the conflict is imminent. So i have learned that i need to speak up a little more. Don't allow so much to fester underneath. Once the pot boils over, it's too late.
This is only a small taste of what could be and who i hope to be someday, or tomorrow...
I want to be not only a better human being, but a better Christian in every way possible.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


Recently, my car broke down. I was with my mother and it was just before 10pm. There were quite a few people i could call to come and pick us up, but my Mom's words were, "No, it's late. Everyone is probably settled for the night." I told her that i would not hesitate to pick up someone that called me. She said, "Sometimes the things that you would do for people would not necessarily be returned, and don't assume that they will be."
A year ago, i would have thought she was crazy, but Bob has taught me otherwise.
From previous posts, Bob has been that one friend. He is/was so important to me, but there were always conditions with Bob. Nothing was ever cut and dry, black and white. He knows me better than anyone, but still fails to understand me. There are people that i can call for anything, anytime, anywhere, and i foolishly assumed (you know that whole thing about assuming) that no matter what happened, we would always be ok.
Apparently, however, making sure that things are on the up and up where our relationship is concerned is too much of a request. One that cannot be handled for whatever reason. This roller coaster ride that was our "friendship" is over because he couldn't handle the answer to one single question that would give me some peace of mind. This is what leads to him not understanding me. Everything about our relationship matters. Even if he feels it is insignificant, it matters to me. It's unfortunate that he cannot see that sometimes it's not all about him. Most of the time in fact it's not at all about him, but about the fact that i have this friend with whom i can share anything, and have a great history with.
I have come to realize that there are deal breakers in every relationship. My violating his personal space was his. His loss, but sad nonetheless. I will still be one of the best friends he ever had. And he will certainly be one of mine.
I have learned that being too selfless can be a problem.....for me. I make myself too available. However, i'm not sure that i know how else to be. It's not that i can't say no. It's just that i like helping. People ask and if i'm able, then i do.
Probably diagnostically irrelevant. Maybe this is perfectly fine. Maybe it will be years before i realize that it is not.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Politics and the Church

This election left me reeling for quite a few reasons. I discovered that many, many people voted Republican because of their so called conservative views. I discovered that the people who did not vote Republican were in some cases chastised by Christians.
There is absolutely nothing in the bible that says that a Republican vs a Democrat is: getting into heaven faster; will have a better seat, vantage point or benefit, right or wrong.
This kind of divisive thinking keeps people from being open about their beliefs. If i only voted Republican because i am a Christian, that is not right. If i vote Republican because they line up with my view point, then that's a whole different story.
My opinion is politics do not belong in the church. Not that i think they should not be talked about, but i really would rather not know who my Pastor is voting for. I am ok, however, knowing who my pew neighbor voted for. They have that right. They have their opinion and are entitled to such. I don't care that they like John McCain or why. I do my own research and form my own opinion. I enjoy hearing peoples' views, but again, don't really care. I know that sounds like double talk, but hey that's just my opinion.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

25 Random Things About Me

1. I LOVE broccoli.
2. I am one of the few women in life who enjoys being single (it freaks my other single friends out).
3. I can play piano by ear.
4. I am allergic to watermelon.
5. I am allergic to chocolate.
6. I lie on my driver's license. I'm not really 5' tall.
7. I love speaking in front of people.
8. I'm going back to school in the fall and i hate school.
9. If i ever do get married, i would want four kids.
10. I'm going back to school so that i can up my income so that i can adopt kids someday.
11. I very much miss living in DC and can't wait to go back.
12. I was reading before i started kindergarten so had to go take reading with the first graders.
13. I hate that i did not pursue law school.
14. I am a wine connoseur (sp)...or least am on my way to be. I love the stuff.
15. My guilty pleasure is the reality show of choice on bravo, animal planet or A&E.
16. I rarely sleep through the night.
17. I have a blog.
18. I own a pit bull (don't judge).
19. I didn't hate high school, just the act of getting up and going somewhere and being forced to be there for 8 hours a day..... oh, wait, that's my life now.
20. I Should have joined the Air Force out of high school or college.
21. I have an insane bravery rating. There is almost NOTHING that i would not try once. As long as it's legal.
22. I cannot watch any footage pertaining to September 11. It still makes me cry.
23. I live in **** Texas, but don't really want to.
24. I am getting weave in my hair for the very first long term time this Friday.
25. I wish i had never been in love.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

My desire

My desire is to make sure that the point of chritianity is not to judge. So many people choose a route based on the judgment of other christians. Don't get misguided. If you are a believer or at least claim to be, then you should know better. If not, then I am here to tell you that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. If I didn't believe it, if it weren't true, then I wouldn't even bother.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


I had to be very careful about what to post next. I didn't want to talk about things that had already been discussed. I want to follow through with my theme to move forward. With that said, there is a job opportunity that would pretty much get me what i want. Out of the podunk town that i live in, and into an area that i would love to do for a few years. The work would be rewarding, satisfying and truly a dream come true. Hopefully, I will know what happens soon.

My Mom suggested that I pick a scripture to live by. I thought this was a very good suggestion. I've been thinking so long and hard about it and had to narrow it down a bit. Finally, though i decided that Isaiah 40:28-31 would be the one that i would like to live by. This is after all where i faltered the most last year.
The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Last year i had trust issues. I normally do not have trust issues. I usually have patience issues. I do trust and believe in what God will do, but am extremely impatient in waiting for it to happen. Last year, I was both. So it's back to the basics. I had a dream that I was running a race, and that i had been running for a very long time, but was not tired or hard of breath. The things that kept me going before will have to keep me going now.
I wish more than anything though that some people who would like to be in my life could even understand where i'm coming from. My beliefs and values are not for fun or just to say that i have them. I take them very seriously. While last year was not indicative of that, there is always room for growth for something. This has helped me to grow and to never take for granted the things that i need to grow. It has also helped me to see that everybody won't "get it". Everybody wasn't meant to. It's ok though.
My loneliness in the past three years, i have discovered, stems not from being in this town where there is nothing to do and not many people to meet and interact with, but that the few that are here are not on my social level. I have no one to talk to about my spiritual growth who can understand where i am. The people that do (and there are only 2) do not live in this town. I was/am lonely because while the social scene is lacking, there is no one i can call to touch and agree on the things that my be bothering me. Sure, i know people who pray, but not every prayer can cut it, and that's just the truth.
My loneliness goes deeper than having something to do on a friday or saturday nite. I can "hang out" with a lot of people. But where are the people who believe as firmly as i believe? That person who i could have talked to before everything happened last April. The person who would call before i had one glass of wine too many.... This takes a special person. If i found out nothing last year, i found out that people look at me that way, and that makes me happy. I'm the one who gets the phone calls of despair, but there is no one i can call in return. My friends are very quick to tell me that they call me because they know that i won't chew them out or make them feel guilty. Ironically enough, i only have one of those and she does not live here. Does she help? Of course. But sometimes you need a Saturday morning sit down to be able to keep yourself on track. That's what i'm lacking here. That's why i need to get out of here. That accountability is what i need most in my life because i fall so easily and so hard *thwap!* flat on my face. I need someone who will help me to get up who understands how i feel and why i feel that way and can tell me that once upon a time they felt that way too. Many, many, many people just don't understand.

I used to get frustrated when people who were married would say "You don't understand, you're not married." But now i get it. If you're only half way living your life the way you should be living it,
"You don't understand, you're not on fire for God." It sounds harsh, i know, but this statement explains, for the people who even care, where a person is and who a person is. There is no request that can go too far. I's will be dotted and T's will be crossed if you really really care about what God thinks about you. And i do. So sometimes i am overly cautious, especially if I am in territory that i have never been in before.
Better safe than sorry.

Friday, January 9, 2009


I'm starting over. Not in a New Year's resolution sort of way. But in a "i can't go backward, i can only move forward sort of way." It's just the truth.
I cannot change the horrible-ness that was last year. I cannot undecide the decisions and how quantifiably stupid they were. I cannot do anything to change how i feel at the moment or then, but i can move forward. I can try again. I can only fix and worry about me and those that have been charged to me. Unfortunately, i realized a little too late that some are and some are not. My friends are wonderful people, but i have decided to focus on those that are honest with themselves and me and will help me to grow as a person and that i will somehow be able to help them do the same. No BS this year, my 32 year. I just can't do it anymore. I don't have to the energy to continue to believe that everything will be ok when i know that what is right in front of me is not necessarily right.....or healthy (thank you ACT).
Here's the bottom line. I believe in what God has for me no matter how i feel on any given day. I believe that my future is brighter because of everything that is in it and somethings that are not. I believe in the choices i have made to this point, even the poor ones. They help make you who you are, right? I believe that God has better for me than the last year or the very important situation that helped make it. I am better than that.
So, for year 32, I start over. I pray again. I think before i act again. I think before i speak again. I pray before big decisions are made. I don't make big decisions in the moment of emotion. Be wiser. I already have regrets. Let's not make it worse than it already is. I can't change what was. So maybe i can change what will be.....with better choices.