I think i have reached the end of my blogging life. I have answers now that fit with who i am and what i want and why i am the way that i am. Now the trick is to fix it. Change it. Make it better. Don't let it continue to be a part of me.
My issue with men had to do with leadership or lack thereof. I have to learn to be patient and less prideful about how i deal with them. I get very frustrated when men do not live up to what they are expected or supposed to live up to. I found myself angry with men that had nothing to do with me on a day to day level. They were other people's husbands, boyfriends and brothers. I have learned that i passed that frustration on to the men that i dated. I would put up with a lot for a while knowing deep down that they were not for me for whatever reason and in the end be completely surprised when things didn't work out. If i had to look back on them, i knew from the absolute very beginning that things wouldn't work out. Go with your gut.
I have had so many many missteps in relationships and been in so many that i should not have been in, and did not spend enough time nurturing the two relationships that mattered the most. My own father and God.
The relationship between a father and a daughter is so complex. I didn't realize how much until i started having lunches and dinners with him once a month about 6 years or so ago. Getting to know him as a grown up and not the little girl that was so constantly disappointed in him. Getting to the heart of why HE is the way that HE is. It has a lot to do with his parents. But in the end recognizing that he at least did not want to be his parents and wanted very much for our relationship to flourish and grow. I would have my bad days. I would have days when all of the memories would come flooding back into my brain and i would be in that state of confusion and self doubt all over again. Was this really working? Will we really ever be able to get past it? All of it? Maybe not, but i don't let it dominate me anymore. I don't want it to set the tone for the relationships that i have yet to be in. For that one and final relationship that i will be in before i become someone's wife.
Formative years are important. And i learned in my formative years that men will indeed disappoint. As a matter of fact, so will God. I used to pray and pray to God as a child to change my daddy and make him better. But it never happened. I realize now how much that has settled with me. How much it has rocked my faith over the years. Faith in God. Faith in men. Faith in some people in general. As a grown up, i know that there is only so much that God can do. Literally. That whole free will thing really jacks us up in the end. The person has to want to change. The person has to want to be better, do better. God will not force Himself on anyone. But the child in me could not understand why things never got better. Why God didn't just snap his fingers, blink his eyes, move mountains and make it better. Ask and you shall receive right??
I know better now. I am not nearly as disappointed in God as I was. I am a little more expectant for what i need now. I believe that what i am looking for is indeed out there somewhere. I believe that God has someone for me who is better than the best man i have ever dated. This time in my life is set apart to figure that out. How on earth could i possibly have given someone a chance feeling the way that i have felt? Not knowing the true reasons behind it; going into things with doubt, distrust and flat out disbelief that anything good could come of it; that every man would treat me like my Father did. And to a certain extent, allowing every man that i have dated to treat me like my Father did. Yes, allowing. You teach people how to treat you, and i allowed a lot.
So, in going through what i have been through (the drinking, the sin of sex, the idol talk, the anger, the distrust, the lack of faith, the loneliness that started it all) since turning 30, my questions have been answered. At least interpersonally for now. The things i have learned in two very short years will have to stick with me and keep me going for the rest of my life. I am not my circumstances. I am not my feelings, and neither are the people that i felt them for. It's no more their fault than it is mine that i felt this way my whole life. The trick now is to make myself better. To be open to change.
And i believe that with the God that i serve and pray to every single day by my side, i can do it. I can have a healthy relationship now. My fears of marriage and relationships will get better from now on, and that's what i was looking for.
Zephaniah 3:17 is my most favorite verse in the world. I had never really paid much attention to 18-20 before, but they apply to me as well.
17The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing."
18 "The sorrows for the appointed feasts I will remove from you; they are a burden and a reproach to you.
19 At that time I will deal with all who oppressed you; I will rescue the lame and gather those who have been scattered. I will give them praise and honor in every land where they were put to shame.
20 At that time I will gather you; at that time I will bring you home. I will give you honor and praise among all the peoples of the earth when I restore your fortunes before your very eyes," says the LORD.
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