Safety

I had to be very careful about what to post next. I didn't want to talk about things that had already been discussed. I want to follow through with my theme to move forward. With that said, there is a job opportunity that would pretty much get me what i want. Out of the podunk town that i live in, and into an area that i would love to do for a few years. The work would be rewarding, satisfying and truly a dream come true. Hopefully, I will know what happens soon.

My Mom suggested that I pick a scripture to live by. I thought this was a very good suggestion. I've been thinking so long and hard about it and had to narrow it down a bit. Finally, though i decided that Isaiah 40:28-31 would be the one that i would like to live by. This is after all where i faltered the most last year.
The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Last year i had trust issues. I normally do not have trust issues. I usually have patience issues. I do trust and believe in what God will do, but am extremely impatient in waiting for it to happen. Last year, I was both. So it's back to the basics. I had a dream that I was running a race, and that i had been running for a very long time, but was not tired or hard of breath. The things that kept me going before will have to keep me going now.
I wish more than anything though that some people who would like to be in my life could even understand where i'm coming from. My beliefs and values are not for fun or just to say that i have them. I take them very seriously. While last year was not indicative of that, there is always room for growth for something. This has helped me to grow and to never take for granted the things that i need to grow. It has also helped me to see that everybody won't "get it". Everybody wasn't meant to. It's ok though.
My loneliness in the past three years, i have discovered, stems not from being in this town where there is nothing to do and not many people to meet and interact with, but that the few that are here are not on my social level. I have no one to talk to about my spiritual growth who can understand where i am. The people that do (and there are only 2) do not live in this town. I was/am lonely because while the social scene is lacking, there is no one i can call to touch and agree on the things that my be bothering me. Sure, i know people who pray, but not every prayer can cut it, and that's just the truth.
My loneliness goes deeper than having something to do on a friday or saturday nite. I can "hang out" with a lot of people. But where are the people who believe as firmly as i believe? That person who i could have talked to before everything happened last April. The person who would call before i had one glass of wine too many.... This takes a special person. If i found out nothing last year, i found out that people look at me that way, and that makes me happy. I'm the one who gets the phone calls of despair, but there is no one i can call in return. My friends are very quick to tell me that they call me because they know that i won't chew them out or make them feel guilty. Ironically enough, i only have one of those and she does not live here. Does she help? Of course. But sometimes you need a Saturday morning sit down to be able to keep yourself on track. That's what i'm lacking here. That's why i need to get out of here. That accountability is what i need most in my life because i fall so easily and so hard *thwap!* flat on my face. I need someone who will help me to get up who understands how i feel and why i feel that way and can tell me that once upon a time they felt that way too. Many, many, many people just don't understand.

I used to get frustrated when people who were married would say "You don't understand, you're not married." But now i get it. If you're only half way living your life the way you should be living it,
"You don't understand, you're not on fire for God." It sounds harsh, i know, but this statement explains, for the people who even care, where a person is and who a person is. There is no request that can go too far. I's will be dotted and T's will be crossed if you really really care about what God thinks about you. And i do. So sometimes i am overly cautious, especially if I am in territory that i have never been in before.
Better safe than sorry.