Monday, December 17, 2007


For most of my life i have felt as if i am in a holding pattern. Waiting for the next great thing to happen to me. Hoping that whatever happens next won't destroy me. I pray about almost every move i make and am working toward praying for every move that i make.
Lately, however i have been feeling like i have accomplished nothing. I am in fact degreed twice over. I have a job. I own a car and a home, but still felt unaccomplished. Why? My job doesn't pay very much at all. If i had a child and were single, i would qualify for welfare. Here's the catch -- i like my job. For the first time in a long time. I like my job. Possibly for the first time ever. So what else you say? I would like to be able to travel on a whim. I would like a car with four doors instead of two. All of these things plus a few others had me feeling as though i was behind. But behind what?
Here's the thing. I realized the other day that everywhere i go i manage to make someone happy. I manage to help a little bit and put in time that is so important to me. What is important to me is to help people. And if that means that I get a new job every few years doing it, then so be it. As long as i'm happy with it what difference does it make? This has been happiest i have been in a long long time. Yet, i feel the tug to move on. That whatever i needed to do here on this job for me or for someone else has been done. I go wherever God takes me. I have discovered that things for me don't really happen on a whim. It may seem serendipitous to some but for me it is more divine.
I realized last night that i am okay right where i am. I should stop looking for the next degree to get or more money to earn.... My place is wherever i am right now....

Friday, December 14, 2007

To sleep the sleep of the dead....

Well, without actually being dead of course. I don't want to die necessarily. I just would like a few good nights of uninterrupted 8 hours at least of sleep. And i would like to have this for at least 3 months. So, 90 days of interrupted 8 hours at least of sleep. See, i'm struggling with frequent and prolonged bouts of insomnia. Incredibly annoying insomnia. The kind that keeps you up at night but also up during the day because you are so tired you can't vision sleep at some point.
I hate it when i am sleep deprived. With the deprivation comes thoughts that i am too exhausted to keep away. What if i had married that boy? What if my parents were still together? If i had to do over, what would i have done with my life? These are things that i know i have no control over now so why bother to have them even take up space in my brain? I don't know. But for some reason when i can't sleep and only when i can't sleep, my past is constantly walking behind me. Like that lady in the Roserem commercial and her rainbow colored unicorn is walking behind her. I wonder how much this stuff affects who i am -- even how i am.
I have been sleeping badly for about a year now. Off and on for a few months at a time but mostly the sleeping has been more off than on. I wonder some days how i function, and am almost to the point to where i don't function.
So this weekend, i embark on a mission. This is the first Saturday in three months that i don't have to work and so i will sleep. I will try very very hard to sleep. My goal this weekend is to sleep the sleep of the dead........minus that whole heart-not-beating-thing.

Monday, December 10, 2007

lonely vs. alone

Is there really a difference? And if so, how different is the difference?
1.A person can feel alone and lonely.
2.They are both descriptive.
3.They both sound terrible.
When i hear or see either word, i think of an old lady in a huge house with a bunch of cats and no friends. I know of this lady who is in her 80's. She didn't get married until she was in her late 50's and has no children. She was an only child and of course her parents are dead. She lives in a nursing home and has no family to come and visit. She has friends who stop in every once in a while. But for the most part, she is alone and i would be willing to bet, very lonely.
I get confused because, if i am happy this way now, and don't marry until much later, and end up like this lady, how happy will i be later?
I say all of this as if there are prospects in my life. Some handsome fella waiting in the wings, but there is none. The bottom line is, all of this is out of my control at the current moment. There is no guy, there is no hope of anyone, and i'm not entirely sure that i want there to be.
But i think of myself padding around my mother's house in my pj's with my dog, and i feel like i will be that way forever. Sometimes that makes me happy, sometimes it doesn't.....
I wonder if that lady is grateful for her 16 or so years with her husband before he died, or does she wish that it had happened sooner?
I think the difference is, i can deal with being alone for a long time, but i certainly don't want to be lonely forever....

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Republicrat or Demopublican or whatever...

So, it's December. It doesn't really feel real that the year is over. Mostly because it's still 80 degrees in some parts of Texas.....This also means that the realization of 2008 being an election year has become very important. Our very own primaries(?) are in a few months, and it is time to start paying attention.
I am confused. Very confused. I'm conservative in some areas, liberal in others and most candidates for both parties cross lines for me. It's so hard to choose because the one or two that are "conservative liberals" i just flat out don't like and/or trust.
Whenever i start to fret, i mean really fret over this, i remind myself that just as i pray about everything else, i should pray about this. Wanting answers and direction for everything else, but skipping something that is so incredibly important for so many reasons should not happen.
The media makes this very hard. My own feelings make this very hard. But in the end, just like i trust God for everything else, i have to trust God to guide me toward someone that won't run this place into the ground.
What? My faith makes me an automatic republican? Heck no. I'm not that crazy. I think Bush has done a terrible job of mixing faith and politics. I am leaning heavily toward them not mixing, but i don't know how realistic that is.
So, i have a little less than a year to get a made up mind. Pray that God guides the rest of the country to do the same.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007


I am in a bit of a quandary. Mostly, a spiritual quandary. At the moment, i am experiencing some financial difficulty that will affect the small social life that i have. I will do the occasional lunch or dinner out to the tune of about 4 times a month maybe. I strive for meals that total under $10 so as not to wipe out my "fun" budget for the month. For the next 3 or 4 months, my "fun" money will be non-existent. It's short term so i can deal with it, but my regulars may not take a "no thanks" as an answer. Here's the deal.
I am a "member" of a small group of women on the job who eat lunch together once a month. We try to be as real with each other as possible and give sisterly advice on various situations presented to the group. On a few occasions, I have had to decline the lunch with a simple, "Can't make it today ladies. See you next month." This usually suffices if i cannot afford a lunch without having to go into the diatribe of why. Well, with these women, there will be Christmas gift exchange. Christmas falls squarely into my "fun" money budget and simply is not allowed this year. Not only do i not have it to give, but at $3 a gallon for gas, a present could half fill my tank. Here's my question: Is being embarrassed to say you don't have money a pride thing? I am embarrassed, but i know these women, they will offer to help either with the present or my lunch every so often. I am embarrassed that they would offer. I am embarrassed that i don't have the money. It is easier to be broke and alone than to be broke with a social life. The two, however, should never meet.
I was explaining to one of the women that i may not be able to participate in the gift exchange, but to please not tell the other women why. (I had to explain to her why b/c she was thinking it was a scheduling issue.) I wondered exactly how this falls as far as being "prideful". Here is some background.
Pride, of course is the conjugation for proud, which is defined as: having a (too) high opinion of oneself; arrogant. (courtesy of
Now while this certainly does not fit me or my personality, that is only one definition. Here's another: a feeling of self-respect and personal worth. Also not really describing me.
This society places value in economic terms. Not having money, no matter who you are, is an embarrassing thing. But is that embarrassment prideful?....I don't know. And if it is not prideful, when should i accept the help offered by others? My guess is, it depends on the person offering, but my inclination is to say "no", no matter what.
I'll try as best i can to keep a low profile for the next few months. Hopefully, I won't have to explain myself to anyone who could use the information against i think that might be a little on the pride side.....

Tuesday, December 4, 2007


I'm the kind of person who always believed that God has something bigger for me--better for me. I believe that my life is led by Him, and His desire for me. I believe that some of it, probably most of it, are choices made by me. The hard part about believing in God and having to choose sometimes for yourself is that you never really know beyond a shadow of a doubt if the direction you're going is guided by God or guided by your/self/actions/decisions.
Sometimes, i wonder how people can believe in something that they cannot see. But we believe in love don't we? If you've lived at all, you know that love is not always tangible. Sometimes it is never tangible with some people. The times that love is tangible, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is love. I believe that i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God exists. Can i explain it? No. But i see it everyday in the sunshine. In the clouds. In the worry in my mother's eyes. The way my dad hugs me. In my favorite flower. In Texas springs and summers. In the fiercely cold days of winter that lead to Texas springs and summers. In friends who love me and care for me and about me. I see God through all of this. And as i decide to embark on another degree with all that i have behind me, this faith, however misguided some believe it to be, will carry me over, through, beyond whatever comes next.
I have to believe that what i am doing next is what God has for me to do next. If i had my fears and doubts and never did anything, i would still be in the same place. Right?
Faith without works is dead.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Now what?

For years I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought that the way i processed information was wrong, incorrect, inadequate. I thought i was stupid. I have two degrees, but not without a fight. I feel so incredibly incompetent so much of the time. I don't process information well, i don't think very fast on my feet. I have a hard time keeping up with things. I forget why i do things or have done things. I thought all of this was because of ADD. Turns out, I'm just stupid. Turns out, I'm actually too smart for ADD. Go figure.
I don't know what to do with that information. I have tried so many different things to be able to balance school and work. I'm unhappy with my job. I'm unhappy with my degree. I have borrowed enough money to go to school to finance a small company, and don't want to borrow more. I'm sure that there is an answer somewhere to my questions. I just don't know what it is. I don't want to do this job forever. I can't afford to do this job forever. So, now what?

Friday, November 30, 2007


I have never really been very consistent with anything. Absolutely nothing. There may be a good reason for that. I'm going today to find out if i have ADD. I know. It seems crazy. I'm a thousand years old.....ADD? There were tests done earlier in the millennium that eluded to that, but never medicated. I need to know. I am about to embark on another degree and I cannot suffer through another one like i did the first two. I feel so discombobulated so much of the time.
Last night i couldn't sleep. There was so much going on in my head. I couldn't even gather my thoughts enough to get a prayer together. Everything was so much. My money troubles are never ending. My family troubles are rediculous. I'm trying to maintain -- not let them get me down. Someone, somewhere has it so much worse, so i'll survive. The trick is surviving with the consistency of christianity.
I am in the process of reading Blue Like Jazz, and it is so incredibly eye opening! I want to take the things that i learn, not only from this book but every book i read, and really apply it. I want to remember that christianity has a purpose and that purpose is to show love. Not show people up, but show love. I keep reminding myself that Christ walked with Judas for three years knowing that he would hand him over to the enemy. If that's not love, i don't know what is.
Show love.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

For the sake of life

I feel like i really screwed up my 20's. I didn't try hard enough, i didn't do enough to change until later in my 20's. So, here i sit on the cusp of a new decade hoping to make amends with myself and maybe even a few people from the past. No, i'm not a 12 stepper, I just really don't want another decade to go by wondering "what if".
I want to be more straight forward. More adventurous. More open to relationships of any kind. I want to be more brave. I figure maybe if a keep of record of my attempt at bravery that I will actually make the effort. So, here goes nothing.