Monday, June 30, 2008


Truths are being revealed to me. Truths about myself and my life. I am in the place that i am in because i need to see myself. Not that i have not been looking before, but that i need to look deeper. The surface stuff is easy. I know i'm a sensitive person. I know that at my very core i am a positive person. I know that i long for love. I know that i sometimes look for love in others. But even deeper than that. I know that i hurt. And this hurt is affecting who i am and who i am becoming. Deciding what to do with it, is the hard part. And the truth is, i had to be out here by myself so that i could see, really see how much i am hurting.
It's strange though because that hurt is what drives me to help others. To want to see others happy. If i can't be happy, somebody should be. That's pretty much my philosophy. I like seeing others thrive and grow and become better human beings....better christians. But all the while, i thought i was doing that for myself, but was not. Not really. And the hurt was blocking it. My hurt keeps me from growing, becoming better.
I'm still trying to figure out what to do with it. How to make the hurt come to the surface however hard that may be, and release it. I'm so tired of hurting. Being hurt. Allowing myself to be hurt. I'm an emotional masochist. I realize that now. A beautiful disaster. But God sees me as only beautiful. And the sooner i come to grips with that. The sooner i realize that God sees me differently than i see myself, the better off i will be. Did you know that the angels are jealous of us because God holds us to a higher place than them? To look in the mirror and see what God sees.....would be heaven on earth. That would be truth.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008


The truth about life is that sometimes you can't have what you want, and the sooner you accept that the better off you are.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Sister Circle

I have a sister. She came into the world 21 months after me. She is wonderful and nothing in the world can replace her. But over the years, I have met various women who I am proud to call my "sister". Currently, at my job there are half a dozen of us Sisters. We (as cliche as it might sound) laugh together, cry together, celebrate together. Recently, the mother of one of my Sisters passed away. It was a lengthy and painful illness. The Sisters got on the phone, the computer, their sidekicks and made arrangements to be there for our Sister. I have been through many, many deaths in my life. I was hoping that our presence would be of some benefit. It was arranged that we would wear pink lilly corsages and go together. We walked in just as she was walking in with her family and the look on her face when she saw us and our pink flowers made me so happy to be a part of our little Sister Circle. Family always goes way beyond blood. Family is there when your real family is dealing with their own drama or can't understand or just flat out don't approve. I have a handful of Sisters that are of no relation to me, and I like it like that.

Monday, June 9, 2008


I feel like I have spent most of my life waiting for something....or somebody. When I was a kid I waited for my parents to get a divorce. In junior high, I waited for a friend that I could relate to. a teacher that would be nice to me. in high school, I waited for a date for Homecoming, Sweetheart Ball, various dances that I helped plan but usually only attended for the clean up after. I waited for my father to get it together. I waited to finish college. I waited to have sex. I waited for the boy that I have always wanted to date. As of right now, waiting has proven to be very, very painful. Some of the things I have waited for have panned out. Quite well. My dad came around and we're getting closer. I finally made it to a dance with a great guy and was even crowned prom queen. I found friends. Friends who get me. Friends who are where I am and continuing to grow with me. Sounds like most of it works out. So maybe I should just wait to see what will happen next. I'm just tired of waiting for the one something. The one somebody.....

Monday, June 2, 2008


Ok. This is the part where i repeat the mantra "I will be okay. I will be okay. I will be okay." My circumstances are only temporary. I realize that. I think what i don't get is why every circumstance, every trial has to come so close together. I know that i am constantly fighting, literally warring for my gifts, my strength, my ministry. I understand that. I just would like a little time of peace in the midst of the war. No matter how logical i am. No matter what i know the truth to be. I just can never seem to find that peace. I'm exhausted all the time. I wake up in the middle of the night either from praying or dreaming. Lately it's been dreaming. A LOT of dreaming. I'm tired. I can't function when i'm like this. I can't think straight when i'm like this.
I am very aware that to whom much is given much is required. I understand. I do, but no where does it say that to whom much is given much less sleep will you have.
And i'm tired of being tired. I guess i just don't understand why in the world God won't allow me to have a good nights' sleep. Just one every once in a while would be greatly appreciated. That's how i started drinking. From not sleeping. Now i have a double fold problem on my hands and hope that i can figure out while not ruining myself with the other.
Rambling......that's what exhaustion gets you........rambling.