Hang in there Girl! God is looking out for you today and always. You are stonger than you think you are and even while you don't believe it now, you will get through this. Your life is one that others see love in. Your days make people happy and that makes you happy. Don't forget that in all of this process of helping others you must help yourself. Take the time, right now to breathe and appreciate what God made. Believe in yourself and in what you can do, and believe that God is behind you through it all. Today will be a good day. God is sending angels to whisper comfort and encouragement to you. Hang in there girl. You are not alone. God loves you more than you can imagine. More than you can fathom. He loves you more than the sun, and you shine for Him.
My brain is constantly full of random information. Stuff that doesn't need to be there. Stuff that should be there but i'm not sure what to do with it. Stuff people tell me. Stuff i tell myself. I am constantly thinking.....about anything and everything. Sometimes i wonder if the noise would stop would i be better off? Well, i'm going to try that and see. I'm going to take up meditating on my Mom's advice and try to clear my mind. Most of the time, i am so mentally exhausted. Trying to remember the things that i am supposed to remember. Deciphering what's important and what's not. Lately, what's important has not been remembered and i hate that. I feel like my mind is older that it should be. I tried last nite for the first time to sit down and think of nothing for 5 minutes. Every time i thought of "something", i would start my 5 minutes over. The longest i was able to make it was about 2 minutes and after 15 minutes i gave up. Baby steps. I am so distracted by life, and i shouldn't be. It shouldn't be this hard to keep up with things. To keep up with myself. My Mom also feels like (as do my BFFs) people are starting to drain me. Their problems and rantings and ravings about whatever. Even if i feel like i don't do much with it, because of my empathy it sits with me. Even without me realizing it. It's true, i know. So i believe i will limit my contact to my BFFs. The only thing is, my students come to me A LOT. I'm not really sure how to handle that part. I'll have to think about that for a minute. Will i really be able to only talk to 4 people and my friend from church? I don't know. I need something other than what i have right now. This morning, i closed my eyes and imagined my head on Gods' chest. Listening to breathing (does God breathe?). Feeling comfort and whole and unjudged and perfect. I wonder how people who don't believe in anything make it? Today, i've been trying to chase the clutter from my mind whenever it comes up. Things that have nothing to do with what i'm doing right now for whatever purpose. The clutter comes to keep us from remembering that Jesus loves us. I was at a very, very low point in my life once and the children's choir at the church i was attending sang Jesus Loves Me. (I'm sure i've told that story before). It was probably the most spiritual moment of my life. To hear that song come from the innocence of a chorus of children. To have that childlike faith again that everything will be okay because Jesus loves me! Remembering that is the cornerstone to any Christian existence. Once you get that. Truly get that..... it makes all the difference in the world. Just like you wouldn't want to disappoint your earthly parent, the same should hold true for your heavenly Father. Just because you can't see Him doesn't mean He's not there. Sometimes i wonder if that isn't part of my clutter. Wanting so badly to do the right thing that i think too hard about doing the right thing and then when i do the wrong thing focusing too much on what i've done.....whew! There's simplicity and complexity in walking with faith and purpose. It's simple because all you really have to do is believe and live according to the Word of God. It's complex because the deeper you get into it, the more you have to think about what you do and the motives behind it. You want to help, but are you looking for a reward after? You want to pray, but do you do it because you are supposed to or because you want to? You go to church, but do you go because you are supposed to or because you want to? Somethings become ritual, habit, expectations, obligations even. How does one discern the two? Well, spending time with God is the best way to figure out what is for you and what is not. I hope that my efforts are fruitful. I hope that i continue to keep trying. I hope that my friends do not become distractions and clutter themselves. That would be bad. I know that i am here to spend time with God alone. I know that i am here to learn. I know that i am here to grow, so i hope i accomplish these things so that i can move on.
I have fabulous friends. They care a heap about me and my well being. My life is richer because of the friends in my life to rescue me, listen to me, help me see reality, help me see the future while at the same time, help me through the present. Three of my close friends are girls. One is a guy. Which is very different from how i grew up. When i was in high school, i was the cute little girl so i had lots of friends who were guys who were more than willing to be the bodyguard/friend/big brother to me. It was great and it carried on to college. Once i graduated, many of my friends and i went our separate ways. Including the boys. Bob has been the only constant. We've been friends since we were 10 years old. If you can imagine this Love and Basketball type relationship (minus him being mean to me during childhood) and then more mature teenage and college years.... Bob knows more about me than almost anyone. We missed a lot of communication in college, but decided to date a little toward the end. Our friendship was challenged. A LOT. You invest in a person a little bit more when you date them. You want a little bit more of them. Neither one of us got that from the other and we didn't work out. I never realized how complicated relationships could be until that one... Once we started dating, Bob became that quintessential person. The addition to my BFF list which at the moment included one and a half. (I was just beginning to be friends with one of my current best friends.) My relationship with my parents became strained and Bob became more important. My school decisions became complicated and Bob had an influence in that too. He doesn't know that though. Then Bob got married. I decided that maybe we should give our friendship a break so as not to intrude on his newly wedded bliss. And for five years, i missed talking to Bob. Still do. We have this strange crack like connection, and i think in the end we will both realize that it's our friendship and what we do for each other that keeps us close. I talk to him like i talk to my girlfriends. And that means a lot to a girl. Every girl needs that one guy. That "no matter what" guy. It may not seem like it now, but i'm sure that Bob is still willing to be that kind of friend. All be it on a different level maybe. We have exchanged A LOT of heated ideas. And disagree on somethings. In the end, the respect is still there. When we take the once-upon-a-time-we-dated part of our relationship out, i bet we'll be able to be friends again. At least, i hope so. I could be wrong. He could possibly not care if i live or die, but i hope that someday our relationship will be able to live again. As a true friend. As a true friend.
For 2008, my life has felt like a hurricane. Just like a hurricane, there have been times that have been calmer than others. I reach the eye and i feel like everything will be okay. Then i reach the other side of the storm which is worse than the first side.....for a while. Hurricanes are designed to spin, blow wind, rain, etc. If trees are not well rooted, they will be blown out of the ground. If houses do not have a good foundation, they will be blown away. I have to be able to stand up to all of the spinning and blowing and rain. My foundation has to be solid. You have to be able to stand and remember that God is always there, even in the wind and the rain. Sometimes God will bring the wind and the rain, but you have to be able to stand. To be firm; rooted deep. Every once in a while, you will find a tree that even though it was blown from the ground, it will be able to be replanted. Being replanted does not assure it's health and wellness. Being replanted does not even assure that it will not be blown away again. If, however, the tree is rooted well. If it is buried deep into the soil so that it can take from nature what it needs, there is a better chance that the tree will grow to be big and strong and healthy. There will be a time, once the tree is replanted, that it will not be well due to the stress brought on from the storm and being replanted. If, however, the tree is nurtured, it has an excellent chance of growing and bearing leaves or fruit. But it must be taken care of properly. Sometimes the trauma of post traumatic stress can cause us to be exhausted, weary, uprooted. We go through things and feel so disheveled after. "What happened, and why?" We ask. We are hurt. We are sad. We are scared and feel very very alone. It is often in those times, even though we have people there who are looking out for us and helping us to maintain, that we feel the MOST alone. Sometimes, we are meant to be alone. So that there is no one there but you and God. People are temporary. God is forever. And even though we feel like we are laying hurt and wounded from the storm all alone, God is there. He wants us to ask Him for help and then depend on Him for the help that we need. Our lives are way to complicated to do this alone and expect to be okay. That tree cannot get up by itself. It must have help. Even though the storm was not our fault (or maybe is was), we feel as though nothing can help fix where we are.....But God. The author and finisher of all. He knew the ending before the beginning. He can bring us up and through any up rooting we may feel. He will not leave us alone, but we do have to ask for His help. He must see that we are done depending on ourselves and everyone else to be the ear/shoulder/confidant. God and God alone can bring us up from the hurricane of life.
Is it too much to ask to want to be with someone who is after the same things that i am? Is it too complicated to want someone who wants the same spiritual goals in life as me? Who knows. Maybe it is. I really do believe though that there is someone out there who can be that for me. Until then, however i have a crush. Heehee. This is someone who fits the bill of all of the above, but is just a crush none the less. Crushes for me usually go nowhere. Last no time at all and fizzle pretty quickly. It'll be fun to see if this stays true :)
I have been thinking and thinking about a lot the past few days. So this post will be a little long since i decided to go for one post as opposed to two or three different ones. As my regret turns to the shame that i must now fight, lots of things have been going through my mind. I say i must fight the shame because shame brings guilt, and since i have asked for and been given forgiveness, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ.
The past six months have brought so much unneccessary pain into my life. Pain that has been brought on by only myself. God knew the ending before the beginning even came and we have a tendency to screw up everything in between. Our choices don't neccessarily make us who we are, but how we handle the choices we have made, that's what defines us. So i'm choosing to move on. I'm choosing to take my experiences and continue to grow. I'm choosing to be the example that someone may need someday to feel grace and redemption in making the same choices i have.
I am also thankful. Thankful that things did not turn out worse. Thankful that i can still be friends with my friend and know that everything is and always will be ok. I'm thankful that God intervened (as i knew he would have to in order to pull me out). I am thankful that through this process i have a support system that is amazing and right on time. Most of all, i am thankful for the grace that Christ died to give us. I am thankful that i have learned what my limitations are.
Do i wish i could have found all of that without this situation? Of course. But that is something that i must contend with and try to be aware of for the future.
I think more than anything, I want to be sure to make the grace of God an option for someone someday. But i also want to let them know that while God's grace is sufficiant, it can run it's course and run out. Like any parent, God does not want to be taken advantage of. So if the life lived is not one that you know God would be proud of, maybe that should change. There were so many behaviors that i fell back into over the past six months that i had hoped were at the very back of my mind. The important thing to remember is that God only wants what is best for us.
And the truth is, we should be discriminatory about what we listen to on the radio. We should watch what we say and the language we use. We should be careful of how we treat others. The bottom line all comes down to two things:
Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind. AND
Love thy neighbor as thyself. Matthew 22:36-39
Here is proof that God does not appreciate the stubbornness of people who claim they are being "judged" by others.
Proverbs 1:20-33 20Wisdom calls aloud in the street, she raises her voice in the public squares; 21 at the head of the noisy streets [c] she cries out, in the gateways of the city she makes her speech: 22 "How long will you simple ones [d] love your simple ways? How long will mockers delight in mockery and fools hate knowledge? 23 If you had responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you and made my thoughts known to you. 24 But since you rejected me when I called and no one gave heed when I stretched out my hand, 25 since you ignored all my advice and would not accept my rebuke, 26 I in turn will laugh at your disaster; I will mock when calamity overtakes you- 27 when calamity overtakes you like a storm, when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind, when distress and trouble overwhelm you. 28 "Then they will call to me but I will not answer; they will look for me but will not find me. 29 Since they hated knowledge and did not choose to fear the LORD, 30 since they would not accept my advice and spurned my rebuke, 31 they will eat the fruit of their ways and be filled with the fruit of their schemes. 32 For the waywardness of the simple will kill them, and the complacency of fools will destroy them; 33 but whoever listens to me will live in safety and be at ease, without fear of harm." God's patience can run out. If you swear/cuss/use the Lord's name in vain, try to stop it. If you like pornos, sex, excessive drinking, try to stop it. If you enjoy the occassional song with questionable lyrics, try to stop it. I say try because, we have to have God's help with everything we do. If we make the effort, He will do the rest. If we draw unto Him, He will draw unto us. James 4:8 Why? Because obedience is better than sacrifice. Live like God is following behind your every step everyday. This will ensure that you will watch your speech, watch your language, watch your gossip, watch your sexual habits, watch how you treat others. It's worth the effort. God has been too good to not follow his every word with more effort.