The bottom line is, i have abandonment issues. It's amazing and scary all at the same time to learn these things about myself. Mostly scary. I want to fix it. I want to make it better so that i can be a better person. One of my worst fears is going into a marriage with all of these issues that i failed to address because i was too much of a wimp to do it. I think that would be unfair to my future spouse.
I don't trust guys very much. Mostly from a relationship perspective. I am great at platonic friendships. I can be a very good non threatening friend to a guy that i am attracted to and to one that i am not attracted to. Once i'm in a relationship however, i tend to distrust more than i realize. Sometimes i am given cause and sometimes i am not. My history is so complicated and cliche' all at the same time.
Once i realized that i was so heavy with baggage, i began to worry less about being married right away and more about me. Twenty-five was it. I realized that i did not want to bring my baggage into a marriage and i had better work on it. So began to pray less that "he" would show up and more that i would be ready for whoever "he" is.
I began to pray that he would love God more than himself and really understand to love me as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25). I prayed that he have patience, understanding, a sense of humor and that he is not so heavenly minded that he is no earthly good. In other words, i want us to be able to have fun!
Years ago, when i realized that the wall i put up is more like WALLS, i began to chip away, knowing that the hardest part would be closest to my heart. I'm there now. The parts closest to your heart hurt the most. And it hurts like hell. I have said before that my fight or flight kicks in in bad situations, and i have a tendency to flight. Now i know that i flight the MOST often where my male relationships are concerned. I don't want to be hurt so i get the hell out of there.
I think i have begun to realize that i have GOT to stay and fight it out. My parents fought SOOO much that it's just not something i enjoy doing. Not that many people do, but i avoid it at ALL costs. I have also realized that this far, the people that i have dipped out on the most are the ones that care about me the most and care about the nature of our relationship.
Men are wired so much differently than women. One in particular has decided that the next time i run, that's it. Sounds fair. I won't bother to bring up all of the crap that I put up with before i ran, but ok. He's got enough going on without me losing it and bringing it back around. I understand that.
What i have also realized is that for every time that i did run, there was usually quite a bit that i put up with silently before i got to that point. My patience level is high, but i run before the conflict. I put up with a lot, but i don't like what happens when the conflict is imminent. So i have learned that i need to speak up a little more. Don't allow so much to fester underneath. Once the pot boils over, it's too late.
This is only a small taste of what could be and who i hope to be someday, or tomorrow...
I want to be not only a better human being, but a better Christian in every way possible.
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5 years ago