The Itsy Bitsy Spider

The Itsy Bitsy Spider went up the water spout.
Down came the rain and washed the spider out.
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain,
And the Itsy Bitsy Spider went up the spout again.

Don't you find yourself still singing those words? But that's not my point. My point is, this is one tenacious spider. You don't think about it at all in preschool and not much as an adult, but look.
That spider had more get-up-and-go than most grown ups i know these days. Lets break it down.
Here he is trying to get higher to be in a better place. Or what we hope is a better place or else why would he be so adamant about being there? But we don't know what's awaiting this poor little spider once he ascends to the top. Our nature, unless you're a real pessimist, is that good things are waiting for him. That in someway, he will be a better spider because he reaches the top. And then, the unthinkable happens; the rain starts and the spider just can't hold on any longer. Try as he might, he is washed all the way down to the bottom again. I wonder all the time how far up that spider was. Could he see the top? Was he just starting? Was he halfway? (And now that you mention it, why does the spider have to be a "he"?) Anyway, all of the rain stops and the sun emerges from the clouds. We've all seen it -- a day or two of just nasty mother nature mayhem ensues and we are left with a sky so clear and a sun so bright that for just a little while you're actually thankful for the rain. In this case, the water spout was no longer slippery and spider was able to try his trek again.
Stay with me here, i promise i have a point.
So this spider decides "what the hell. I'll give it another try". Do the visual math here. Spout vs. spider looks pretty daunting to me, yet he continues to make the effort.
I suppose i've been thinking on this lately because it seems like every financial hindrance that can come my way, has come my way. I get a quarter of the way up the stupid spout and the rain comes. I start over. I get half way up the spout and more rain comes. I start over.....and on and on and on.
I'm not even sure how tall the spout is because i have yet to be able to get far enough to see an end in sight. I keep thinking "keep trying. There will be an end soon. Just keep trying."
I am a tenacious person by nature. I mean, i have "fight or flight" just like anyone else and sometimes my flight kicks in before my fight, but i will keep going.
I just have to know what happens at the end. I know that my view will be different. I know that i will find a faster way to climb next time. I know that i will be happy with myself and proud of myself for finishing. I know that it will not always rain, and if it rains more than not, it may not necessarily be a bad thing.
Of course getting to the top makes you more visible to predators.......hhhmmm. I guess i'll have a long time to think about that in my climb up.

It's gettin' hot in here!

Well, well, well. The presidential race has decided to heat up considerably over the weekend. What did this weekends' debate do for me? It sort of made me wonder if i want to vote for either Barak or Hilary to tell you the truth. I am leaning very, very heavily toward Barak. I just don't trust the Clintons. I heard a few not so good "urban legends" about their time in Arkansas. My real concern (though it would not keep me from voting for him in the end) is that if Barak wins, that the "good ole boys" would do an excellent job of making him look stupid, foolish, incompetent and ignorant at every step of the job. I think they would want to convince this country and the world that the U.S. should never allow another black person in the office of president ever again.
Politics has never been something that i liked to delve into. It is very interesting to me, but very uncompromising at the same time. If you're Republican, you have to be pro-life or the party thinks you're crazy. If you're democrat, you have to be pro-choice or the party thinks you're crazy. These are just a few of the examples where politics makes you choose a side. I have chosen to go green http://www.epa.gov/earthday/. Apparently, that makes me a tree hugging environmentalist (D). I believe that rapists should serve life without parole terms(R). While i don't believe i could go through with an abortion(R), i don't believe i have the right to tell someone else not to(D). Furthermore, i don't believe that old white men should be the ones deciding such things for women(D). I believe we should leave "under God" in the pledge(R), but i don't believe in being forced to say the pledge of allegiance(D) (i've been boycotting the pledge and the national anthem since the 7th grade), and don't even get me started on the 4th of July.....
Anyway, off topic.
After having lived through a few Presidents, I find it funny....; the stuff they're arguing about won't matter a hill of beans for whomever gets into office. I want to know the issues. Frankly, I don't care that Hilary served on the Wal-Mart board. I don't care that Barak represented a slum lord. Where do these things fall now? How do they feel about the fact that teenage pregnancy was up last year for the first time in a decade? How do they feel about the fact that most of generation X will never see their social security? How can they assure that we won't be attacked again? Can they do anything about how one-sided t.v. has become? Everything pure has been deemed of the "christian right". Now we can see Holly Hunters butt on t.v. but can't mention Christ or God without it being in a curse context.
Yes, things are heating up. It will be an interesting 6 months.

This is no time for fear....

This is a time for faith, and determination.
This is the first verse of one of my most favorite songs. The next sentence is
Don't lose the vision here.
I love this song. There are times when all of the mental pep talks in the world don't work on my worrying or anticipating or lack of self esteem.....
How is it that someone can become so deflated over so long? How can you go from conquering the world at age 5 to feeling like you're lucky to get through the day at age 25?
I started college 12 years ago thinking about finishing college and going law school. Somewhere in the mix of things, i talked myself out of it. I don't know where and when, but i decided that i would not or could not be a lawyer. I don't know.
Older and much, much wiser, i'm thinking that my dreams are not impossible. I am still quite viable and capable. Now, however i have to fight through a decade of complacency. Just being comfortable and getting by. Working hard to get by, but getting by. I haven't had to put forth any effort for anything that i've done. Well, i've decided that i want to work hard. I want to be better. I want to do greater things. I can do greater things.
I just don't want the next dozen years to be as unproductive as the last dozen years. I hope that in five years i can accomplish something that took more than just gumption to get through. I want to work hard for something. I want to be mentally challenged. I want to not wince when people call me smart. I want to actually feel smart; do something that's smart, and maybe even garner a little success by it.
So this is no time for fear. I can no longer be afraid by what i can accomplish. I have to remember that i began this 31 year old quest to do things that i had been afraid to do before. I want this decade to matter to me -- spiritually, mentally, socially and economically.
This is a time for faith and determination.

Previously....

This is an older post that i have on my Facebook page....yes, i am a grown person with a Facebook page. Believe me, it's more for work purposes than anything. Anyway..... right before my birthday i had an epiphany. It was a wonderful epiphany because ever since i wrote this note, I have not forgotten what i want to do with my life. Simply put, I want it to matter. So that the people who have invested in me this far, will be glad that they have invested time, energy and words into me.
My 30th year will be over in 67 days. 20 years ago, 30 seemed so old. Even today, 30 seems too old. I mean, I don't feel 30. But how are you supposed to feel when you're 30? 15 years ago, I thought i would be a lawyer fighting for truth, justice and the American way. I thought I would have season tickets to some random college basketball games. I thought I would have met Grant Hill by now :) I thought I might be working on my first kid by now with my husband of 5 years (thank God for some dreams not coming true). Most of my friends are married, which has shown me the harsh realities of marriage (spiritual and carnal). My best friend has a 12 year old. My other best friend is divorced and i've known her for 12 years. Life has happened, and it happened before i realized it.
It really has started to make me wonder, what will the next 30 years be like? I try not to think on it too much. Why? Matthew 6:34 Do not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Ain't that the truth. I've spent the past decade learning how to deal with the bitterness that i did not know that i had from my father's unfaithfulness which culminated in my parents' divorce. I have dealth with various "ah ha moments" such as:God is the parent, the Father, the true caregiver that i had always learned about. God does in fact love everyone. Even those who do not believe He exists. not wanting to marry for fear of marrying my father. realizing the death grip that fear has on me. learning of a learning disability that could have made college so much easier. realizing that despite those disabilities, I still made it through and managed to learn quite a bit. realizing that just because people are christian, it doesn't necessary mean that we will like each other or even see eye to eye. learning the difference between a christian and a believer. discovering how much people who are non-christian and christian have in common. discovering that i am stronger than i give myself credit for. generational curses -- the ones passed down and the ones i have created. my life does not end in a moment, a decision, an impossibility. my parents are not always right. i will not always see eye to eye with my parents. my parents can't always save me. i can't always save myself....no matter how hard i try. it's ok to be mad at God. just don't be mad too long.....it's ok to be single, and it's ok to feel ok about it. life can change when you least expect it, and your dreams can change when you did not realize they could/had.
I'm thankful for the people who have bothered to give me a second glance in my life.
People who have taken the time to answer my questions or hash things out with me.
Cindy Ward (my freshman high school English teacher),
Lori Byers (fantastic college professor),
Michele Gardner (wonderful family friend),
Neocia,
Kristen,
Kesha,
Cynthia (my true soul sister. I'm sure in another life we were twins),
Andre',
Rachel,
My Sister,
Brooke,
Tim & Eunice,
Paul,
Chris Jackson.
I know that the absolute best day of my past, will be the worst day of my future. There is so much more left to do. I must be about my Father's business a lot more seriously now.

Covering

I wish i were a turtle. Turtles have this amazing exterior. So hard that if a tire hits it just right, an automobile tire that is, the shell can actually puncture the tire.
Turtles have the ability to retreat whenever they like. They just stick their little heads back into their shells and remain there for however long is necessary or desired.
Turtles are protected from the environment. They can get away from the rain, wind, mud, snow..... Best of all, when the turtles stick their heads inside their shells, it is the universal symbol of "do not bother me/leave me alone until the appointed time -- and by the way, i appoint that time."
I mean, come on! It doesn't get much cooler than that! I wish i could just pull my head in sometimes and be left alone. Oddly enough, though, it is in those times that my phone rings off the hook or i have to check my email or friends decide to come to town. I am thankful for those times. It's like God knows that deep down, i don't really want to be alone, and let me send you the perfect person for the perfect season just to prove it to you.
My circle is relatively small. Very few people know very many details about me. Yes, people will know things about me, but there are literally a handful who know the things that only one or two others know. I like it like that. I like that i have people in my life who i won't talk to for months and pick up the phone like i left their house yesterday. I like that wives trust me with their husbands and husbands are comfortable enough to be away from their wives with me (not too often mind you, don't want to test faith). I like that i am reliable. I like that my friends call me for advice and are so very willing to hear me out when i cry about my life. I like that for everyday that i want to pull into my shell and hide (and most likely cry), my friends know what it takes to pull me out. I like that i have shared this blog with two people, and that i can continue to be real without feeling judged or criticized.
Yes, I can pull into my shell whenever i want to have a good cry, but i sure am glad that good friends give me a reason to want to stick my head out every once in a while.