Previously....

This is an older post that i have on my Facebook page....yes, i am a grown person with a Facebook page. Believe me, it's more for work purposes than anything. Anyway..... right before my birthday i had an epiphany. It was a wonderful epiphany because ever since i wrote this note, I have not forgotten what i want to do with my life. Simply put, I want it to matter. So that the people who have invested in me this far, will be glad that they have invested time, energy and words into me.
My 30th year will be over in 67 days. 20 years ago, 30 seemed so old. Even today, 30 seems too old. I mean, I don't feel 30. But how are you supposed to feel when you're 30? 15 years ago, I thought i would be a lawyer fighting for truth, justice and the American way. I thought I would have season tickets to some random college basketball games. I thought I would have met Grant Hill by now :) I thought I might be working on my first kid by now with my husband of 5 years (thank God for some dreams not coming true). Most of my friends are married, which has shown me the harsh realities of marriage (spiritual and carnal). My best friend has a 12 year old. My other best friend is divorced and i've known her for 12 years. Life has happened, and it happened before i realized it.
It really has started to make me wonder, what will the next 30 years be like? I try not to think on it too much. Why? Matthew 6:34 Do not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Ain't that the truth. I've spent the past decade learning how to deal with the bitterness that i did not know that i had from my father's unfaithfulness which culminated in my parents' divorce. I have dealth with various "ah ha moments" such as:God is the parent, the Father, the true caregiver that i had always learned about. God does in fact love everyone. Even those who do not believe He exists. not wanting to marry for fear of marrying my father. realizing the death grip that fear has on me. learning of a learning disability that could have made college so much easier. realizing that despite those disabilities, I still made it through and managed to learn quite a bit. realizing that just because people are christian, it doesn't necessary mean that we will like each other or even see eye to eye. learning the difference between a christian and a believer. discovering how much people who are non-christian and christian have in common. discovering that i am stronger than i give myself credit for. generational curses -- the ones passed down and the ones i have created. my life does not end in a moment, a decision, an impossibility. my parents are not always right. i will not always see eye to eye with my parents. my parents can't always save me. i can't always save myself....no matter how hard i try. it's ok to be mad at God. just don't be mad too long.....it's ok to be single, and it's ok to feel ok about it. life can change when you least expect it, and your dreams can change when you did not realize they could/had.
I'm thankful for the people who have bothered to give me a second glance in my life.
People who have taken the time to answer my questions or hash things out with me.
Cindy Ward (my freshman high school English teacher),
Lori Byers (fantastic college professor),
Michele Gardner (wonderful family friend),
Neocia,
Kristen,
Kesha,
Cynthia (my true soul sister. I'm sure in another life we were twins),
Andre',
Rachel,
My Sister,
Brooke,
Tim & Eunice,
Paul,
Chris Jackson.
I know that the absolute best day of my past, will be the worst day of my future. There is so much more left to do. I must be about my Father's business a lot more seriously now.