Feelings

Isn't there a song by that name? If i remember correctly it's a little cheesy and sad. I don't remember who sings it though. One of the crooners i think....
Feelings are hard. They are hard to understand. Hard to deal with. Hard to explain. When was the last time you were able to describe love? Anger? Loneliness? Exactly. My feelings are complicated. There is too much involved in them. They don't exactly make me feel better. Everyone is afraid of their feelings whether they want to admit to it or not. I'm no different. I'm very sure of how i feel, but it makes me nervous. I don't want to be taken over by my feelings and I don't want to take over my feelings. Weird, huh? There are even feelings that i cannot express outloud. It's too early. It's too inappropriate.
As much as i don't want them too, my feelings are starting to take over. I'm trying to hang on. I'm trying not to "go crazy". It's just incredible how the indescribable feeling can make you feel....
Empty and full all at the same time. Positive and unsure all at the same time. I just want all of this to be over. I want a happy ending, but i want it to be over. I want to be sure about how all of this will turn out. One way or the other. I want to be happy when all of this is over. All i've ever wanted was to be happy. I have 20 years of journaling that begs time and time again for happiness. Sometimes, i feel like i have never been happy. Sometimes i wonder if i self sabotage my happiness. Why would i do that though? Why would i make decisions based on making myself unhappy? Ok. I just had an ah ha moment and must ponder this for a while.