Spiraling

Why does one always have to spiral out of control? There is a pattern to spiraling you know. So why does it always have to sound so negative? I think i'm just feeling guilty....
Anyway, about my ah ha moment. I have not wanted to think about it. I can't deal with it. This whole free will thing is not fair. But i once heard someone say that the only "fair" they knew of was bus fare. I thought that was pretty funny, and pretty accurate. I think it was Peter who asked why he does the very things that he does not want to do. I think this is the first time in my life that i wonder what will happen to me. I used to be so sure. I always thought i would be ok. But i have almost no faith left. It sounds crazy to say. It feels crazy. It feels bad.
So what happens now? I have no idea. Sometimes i don't care enough to want to know. That's bad isn't it?