Spiraling

Why does one always have to spiral out of control? There is a pattern to spiraling you know. So why does it always have to sound so negative? I think i'm just feeling guilty....
Anyway, about my ah ha moment. I have not wanted to think about it. I can't deal with it. This whole free will thing is not fair. But i once heard someone say that the only "fair" they knew of was bus fare. I thought that was pretty funny, and pretty accurate. I think it was Peter who asked why he does the very things that he does not want to do. I think this is the first time in my life that i wonder what will happen to me. I used to be so sure. I always thought i would be ok. But i have almost no faith left. It sounds crazy to say. It feels crazy. It feels bad.
So what happens now? I have no idea. Sometimes i don't care enough to want to know. That's bad isn't it?

Feelings

Isn't there a song by that name? If i remember correctly it's a little cheesy and sad. I don't remember who sings it though. One of the crooners i think....
Feelings are hard. They are hard to understand. Hard to deal with. Hard to explain. When was the last time you were able to describe love? Anger? Loneliness? Exactly. My feelings are complicated. There is too much involved in them. They don't exactly make me feel better. Everyone is afraid of their feelings whether they want to admit to it or not. I'm no different. I'm very sure of how i feel, but it makes me nervous. I don't want to be taken over by my feelings and I don't want to take over my feelings. Weird, huh? There are even feelings that i cannot express outloud. It's too early. It's too inappropriate.
As much as i don't want them too, my feelings are starting to take over. I'm trying to hang on. I'm trying not to "go crazy". It's just incredible how the indescribable feeling can make you feel....
Empty and full all at the same time. Positive and unsure all at the same time. I just want all of this to be over. I want a happy ending, but i want it to be over. I want to be sure about how all of this will turn out. One way or the other. I want to be happy when all of this is over. All i've ever wanted was to be happy. I have 20 years of journaling that begs time and time again for happiness. Sometimes, i feel like i have never been happy. Sometimes i wonder if i self sabotage my happiness. Why would i do that though? Why would i make decisions based on making myself unhappy? Ok. I just had an ah ha moment and must ponder this for a while.

Denial

It's not just a river you know.
I wrote the last post leaving out something that can never enter the realms of cyber space. It's strange not being able to share a part of my life with the people i am closest to. My life is crazy. The circumstances are just unbelievable. I learned a long time ago to never say never. It still very much holds true. I just hope beyond hope that God will see fit to redeem my shortcomings and continue to allow me to grow in Him.
Life is definitely a journey and i want to end up at the correct destination. I pray that He work with my mistakes and allow me the happiness i've always dreamed of with the person i've always dreamed of. If not, then i pray that He helps me to get past the hurt and disappointment of what could have been.
My heart is taken. I am so full right now. No matter what happens, i believe in what God has for me. I believe in the ending. I'm hoping for a specific ending. I'm hoping that this ending will leave me happier than i ever thought that i could be. It's not enough to hope for the outcome. I also have to extend hope past the outcome to make sure that my life is covered.
I know that God can do anything. And i really hope that he is able to do this for me. But with a better ending.

The half birthday

Well, i'm a HUGE fan of half birthdays. In case you didn't know, a half birthday is what your birthday would be 6 months to the day later. So, my half birthday is May 12 since my original birthday is November 12. Duh. You don't really have to be a genius to figure that out. Anyway, This month is my half birthday month and because of my efforts to be more proactive and a little less regretful this year, this is especially interesting to me. I'm evaluating.
What have i done? What do i have yet to do? What is possible? I have to be realistic with somethings (ie; it's too late to get into a PhD program in the fall at the moment), but continue to plan, execute and attack. Well, maybe that's a little dramatic, but you get my drift.
So, far so good. I will be starting an MS in Counseling program this year. I am rekindling some relationships and being more purposeful about the ones i have. I am putting forth a little more effort into my life in general.
I must, however, admit this. I struggle with depression. There, i said it. It's out. I have for years and years now, but felt that as a woman of faith, depression should not be a problem for me. That i could "pray" my way out of any feelings of doubt or sadness or straight up suicide was how i have lived for the past 15 years. Truly, prayer and therapy have kept me together so far, but being in the real world everyday brought on the need to have my emotions a little more under control. I have, however, realized that seeking medical help is ok and sometimes necessary. So for the past couple of months, for the first time in my life, i have been medicated. It has made a world of difference in my life. I have gone from incredibly depressed almost daily to slightly down every once in a while. It feels amazing to feel ok. That was also one of the things that i decided to conquer this year in one way or another.
I am also at a crossroads in my career or the change of my career. I would love to get back to southeast Texas eventually. A change like that is imminent. The only question is, in what capacity and at what time. All i can do is seek and hope that i will find. Life is such a journey, and i would love to collect a lot of cool t-shirts along the way.