My birthday is in 15 days. I never dreamed that i would not be ready to see a birthday. I want to put it off. I want it to wait -- just until i get myself together.
I'm quitting my job to pursue my education. This is the only decision i am confident and positive about this year. If i don't do it now, it will never get done. It's 5 years in the making and the only thing that will change is time.
I've gotten to know myself very well this year. If i have anything to say positively that would probably be it. I've learned what i'm capable of. I've learned what i'm incapable of. I've learned that addiction really is a disease. I've learned what faith is. I've learned who i can trust with myself and there are some really unlikely sources. I've learned that not all men are terrible people with thanks to my good friend conflict theorist :)
Also thanks to him, i am reminded that judgment is only reserved for self, and even then should not be appropriate. I spend most of my time trying to be understanding and compassionate. When i felt the worst about myself, he was understanding and compassionate. Shout out!
Friends that i have known forever have been sent to a place i never expected them to be. Trust is lacking. Jealousy is rampant. Unhappiness prevails. For some reason, i get to be the one that is always thought of last by her. Even though i know i've been a better friend than anyone should allow. Oh well. Life goes on. And clearly it must go on without her -- at least from a close perspective.
This was a very trying year. I've starting some things that i can't seem to stop and i've stopped some things that i've started. Three steps forward two steps back.
Every morning i wake up determined to make the day better than the one before. Sometimes i succeed, sometimes i don't. Overall, however, i really do believe that things will be okay for me. I really do feel like i am not "doomed". If some of the bad habits acquired can come under control, it will be even better. Today makes another day to try again. Make good decisions and be proud of who i am no matter what. After all, it could be SO much worse. The whole point of this blog was to remember that i have my whole life ahead of me, and i want to make sure that i don't waste it.
Maybe that's why i feel so badly about this year. I don't really feel as though i have accomplished much. I have realized much and been made aware of much but maybe that's what the accomplishment is. Yeah. (light bulb) That's right. I've learned A LOT. And with learning there is growth. It's impossible for someone to learn things and not be different. Once ignorance disappears, one can only be improved. Yeah!
Okay. So i spend next year taking what i have learned, the good and the bad and work it out. Once you know, it is no longer ignorance but stupidity. I do still have my whole life ahead of me, and 300 days (more or less) of mistakes cannot discount that. Even if i die tomorrow, i know that regardless of what has been done, i have asked for forgiveness, have changed much of my life, and know that i will see my Father in heaven.
One day at a time. I will continue to progress one day at a time.
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5 years ago