Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Another year

My birthday is in 15 days. I never dreamed that i would not be ready to see a birthday. I want to put it off. I want it to wait -- just until i get myself together.
I'm quitting my job to pursue my education. This is the only decision i am confident and positive about this year. If i don't do it now, it will never get done. It's 5 years in the making and the only thing that will change is time.
I've gotten to know myself very well this year. If i have anything to say positively that would probably be it. I've learned what i'm capable of. I've learned what i'm incapable of. I've learned that addiction really is a disease. I've learned what faith is. I've learned who i can trust with myself and there are some really unlikely sources. I've learned that not all men are terrible people with thanks to my good friend conflict theorist :)
Also thanks to him, i am reminded that judgment is only reserved for self, and even then should not be appropriate. I spend most of my time trying to be understanding and compassionate. When i felt the worst about myself, he was understanding and compassionate. Shout out!
Friends that i have known forever have been sent to a place i never expected them to be. Trust is lacking. Jealousy is rampant. Unhappiness prevails. For some reason, i get to be the one that is always thought of last by her. Even though i know i've been a better friend than anyone should allow. Oh well. Life goes on. And clearly it must go on without her -- at least from a close perspective.
This was a very trying year. I've starting some things that i can't seem to stop and i've stopped some things that i've started. Three steps forward two steps back.
Every morning i wake up determined to make the day better than the one before. Sometimes i succeed, sometimes i don't. Overall, however, i really do believe that things will be okay for me. I really do feel like i am not "doomed". If some of the bad habits acquired can come under control, it will be even better. Today makes another day to try again. Make good decisions and be proud of who i am no matter what. After all, it could be SO much worse. The whole point of this blog was to remember that i have my whole life ahead of me, and i want to make sure that i don't waste it.
Maybe that's why i feel so badly about this year. I don't really feel as though i have accomplished much. I have realized much and been made aware of much but maybe that's what the accomplishment is. Yeah. (light bulb) That's right. I've learned A LOT. And with learning there is growth. It's impossible for someone to learn things and not be different. Once ignorance disappears, one can only be improved. Yeah!
Okay. So i spend next year taking what i have learned, the good and the bad and work it out. Once you know, it is no longer ignorance but stupidity. I do still have my whole life ahead of me, and 300 days (more or less) of mistakes cannot discount that. Even if i die tomorrow, i know that regardless of what has been done, i have asked for forgiveness, have changed much of my life, and know that i will see my Father in heaven.
One day at a time. I will continue to progress one day at a time.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


In 1 & 2 Kings starting in 1 Kings chapter 17 there is the story of a prophet. Quite possibly the most powerful prophet in biblical history. Elijah was so cool and so "in" with God that he was one of two people in the Bible who did not die. God just took him up into the clouds. A very cool story.
Well, Elijah was given the task of delivering a very unfavorable message to a king and his prophets. He did so, and gave an incredible showing of Gods' power. He called fire down from heaven and had all of the false prophets killed. He gave them ample warning of course that they must cease and desist all lying and blaspheming. The kings' wife (Jezebel) heard of this and put a hit out on Elijah. And he did what any God fearing human being would do in that situation...... He ran. He had just performed some amazing acts; things that could have only come from God; killed 400 men by calling down fire from heaven, and yet, he ran.
The story does not name the place specifically, but i've spoken with many biblical scholars who believe that he spent this time in a place called Cherith. He was alone, and afraid and asked God to take his life many times. While he was there, God fed him, encouraged him and made sure that his general well being was taken care of.
I feel as though i have been brought to the place that i am in to be taken care of by God. I am alone, scared and have on more than one occasion questioned the purpose of my existence. Through all of this, i have been sustained -- taken care of.
Now though, i think it is time for me to go and do what God has called me to do. That means so many things have to change. I have to be brave. I have to come out of Cherith and deliver whatever message i have to whomever should have it.
Time out for the okey doke. I have to get up and move on. It's so hard to do because of the comfort of being alone and being taken care of and out of the line of fire. To whom much is given much is required. I just hope that i have not gone so far out that God does not see fit to bring me back in.
I'm incredibly disappointed in myself and my behavior for the past 6 or 8 months, but God gives hope. If he doesn't remember it, why should i? Easier said that done though.
So, my friend. It is time to come out of Cherith.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Patience.....yes, we're back here

I am not skilled to understand what God has willed, what God has planned. I only know that if i do what i am supposed to do by way of being patient and prudent about my decisions, my life will be okay. Some people would say that's just common sense. God has no use in that. I don't know. I believe in a force bigger than myself. I believe in fate. I believe that i cannot do things on my own. I believe in the comfort of the Holy Spirit.
And i believe that if i am patient enough, God will take care of my needs. Prayer changes things. If i did not believe it, i would not say it were so.
There are so many things that i am waiting on now. Some are of the utmost importance (like finding a new place in life with my career) and others not so much (getting a new car).
But still..... I wait.
My blind date was fun. He is a very nice guy and i have a lot in common with him. He's very smart.
It's nice to have someone to talk to other than the 5 or so people in town that i talk to and hang out with.
We'll see how it goes.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Blind Date

A few months ago, i decided to leave the fate of my love life in the hands of those who know me best. Since i'm not in a huge rush to get hitched, i figure maybe i should enlist some help. Maybe i'm oblivious to missed chances or opportunities to meet guys. I hang out with girls all the time. Most of them are married and most of their husbands get on my nerves. There is very little i see that makes me want to rush to the alter. So i figure, i'll leave it up to others. They care a little more than i do, and truth be told, i'd go to the alter with the right guy. I say all that to say that my good friend at work, who does not know that i have asked my family to look for me has set me up with a guy.
A blind date
I've never been on a blind date before. I'm a little nervous. I told my BFF that there is a chance he does not like me, or how i look or what we talk about. This is a good BFF for you, "well market research has shown that would not be possible. You kind of have to worry about what YOU will think of HIM. We all know you're awesome. Let's hope he is too."
Now it doesn't get much better than that.
I am still crushing on my crush. Poor clueless guy has no idea. He's younger than me so he may not even think there is anything there.
Dating is ambiguous. It's awkward and socially painful. I've never liked to date. Maybe that's why i don't really care about getting married. The stuff you have to go through to get there is not fun. At least for me it never has been. After a few failed relationships you sort of end up cynical and apathetic. Most of the people i know are getting divorced anyway. Those that are not getting a divorce, should. I don't like watching this institution of marriage. I wonder if i'm ready to give up that much of myself.
Getting married is a total dying of self for a woman. Especially someone in their 30's. You've been independent for a long time. You have taken care of yourself. You get complacent and career driven. So when you get married, you have to change some of that. Most of that really. You can't buy the pumps without thinking about someone else's checkbook or lunch money. I don't believe in joint accounts. Will he?
There's so much to it than just living with and loving someone until you die. What if i own a house? What if he owns a house? What if he doesn't like my dog? What if he has kids? What if he doesn't want kids? What if he snores? What if i snore?
My brain hurts now. This is why i don't think about this. It's really pointless to do so unless you have to. Especially the stuff you have no control over.
What if this guy chews with his mouth open?
Ha ha ha. This will be an interesting date.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Modern Technology

I dropped my phone last week and cracked the LCD screen. Now, unfortunately, i can't see who is calling, text messages, time, schedule......basically, nothing. All i can see is the Picasso-esque crack in the middle of my screen, and hear the phone when it rings. This latter is of some solace because almost everyone in my phone has a special ring. The smarter people over the weekend would call after an unanswered text message. I apologize to all others.
Back in the day, a dropped phone would have meant a little less.....i suppose, hassle. It has been incredibly inconvenient to not be able to see who is calling me. To miss the Cowboys game and not be able to see the text message of the score (i slept through that and sports center).
I had to answer practically every call because i had to let them know that i had no way of calling them back and "could you call me back at about 6:00? My Grandma will be calling at 5:00." I was supposed to confirm football game plans at the State Fair with a friend....if you're reading this, i'm so sorry. Give me a call when you get a chance. When i went to the wrong movie theater, i had to wait for my friends to call me about the new time.
It sort of made me wonder how in the world we made it through life without cell phones.
My new phone should be here sometime today or tomorrow. Not soon enough...