What Makes Me, Me!

I love personality tests. I like learning new things about myself and how my personality affects my behavior or someone else's behavior. People don't realize sometimes how much their interactions with others are affected because of personality types/quirks. There is one test that gives a little synopsis of descriptive words of your personality type:
Mediator
Optimistic (i know it may not seem that way from the blog, but deep down i really am)
Caretaker (this one is huge for me)
Passionate
True Romantic (this is why i shy away from relationships)
Cause oriented (i have to be fighting for something with all of that passion)
Need to feel "special" (very true)
Has a kind word
Enjoy the symbols of romance
Strong sense of spirituality
Sensitive to the needs of others (empathy)
Peace, Harmony, Relationship
Motivate and encourage others (also very true)
Cooperative rather than competitive

Life, As Is con't

So my office is a mess. My house is a mess. My car is a mess. My mind is a mess. Sounds appropriate doesn't it?
I can't seem to focus on anything. I haven't been able to for months but it has finally come to a head now. I'm trying to walk with purpose and remember the things that i am supposed to remember. It's hard. For the past 8 months or so, I have felt like i belong in an institution sitting in a bed rocking. It's funny, but it's not funny. I can't concentrate. I have to ask questions 2 and 3 times. I'm trying really hard not to wear down my co workers with questions or to ask questions in which information has already been disseminated. I forgot to pay my bills last month. Who does that? How do you do that? I've been forgetting to eat. You would think. "Great! Weight loss!" No. Because when i do get a chance to eat, i grab whatever i can, and that's usually not good.
My hair is coming out. I'm not sure about that one. And my cold sores, which only show up in times of stress, are in abundance......TMI?......sorry.
It's about to be September. Annually in September i start the countdown for my birthday. Once fall starts, it gets here faster than i realize. Soon, i will be 32.
I'm trying very hard to redeem myself from the terrible mistakes that i have made this year. As well as some things that just, sort of, happened.
At the moment, i would love to be able to turn back time and start 31 all over again. Which is unfortunate because the whole point of this year was to not be that way.
Oh well. A little over three months are left. Let's see what i choose to do with them.

Life, As is

Life is complicated. I wish more than anything that there was a good explanation for that. Friends are still friends. Life still goes on. Maybe someday, someone will be able to biblically explain how two people can honestly be friends. specially with no stringss attached.

And the answer is.....Uncomfortable Character

That's why doing the right thing feels so crummy. God wants all of us to have good character. Sometimes, in the process of that, we feel uncomfortable. So be it. God would rather we be uncomfortable and have good character than be comfortable and feel okay about doing things that exhibit bad character. Sometimes it's okay to be in a state of uncomfortableness (is that a word?) it means your spirit is pricked, your conviction is alive. That's good. You feel badly, you feel guilty, that's good. You should worry when you do things that are less than stellar and you feel nothing. The guilt in my life is really weighing on me and now, i count it all joy. The Holy Spirit is still alive in me. God still loves me enough to convict me, and i am forgiven in His name and by His grace.
Now, all i have to do is continue to try to grow in Him/with Him/for Him.

Conscience

Why does doing the right thing always feel so incredibly bad?

Just Thanks!

I love to help. Its a blessing and sometimes a curse. Yesterday was definitley a day when it was a blessing. I help out with the college students at my church. There are a handful of students that we help out more than others. We feed them, counsel them, give them money if they need it, and many, many other duties as assigned. I do not like Waco very much and the past few months began to wonder if I was serving any purpose. My students showed us that we are. They took the time to make a video to thank the four of us who work with them individually. I haven't been moved or even appreciated like that in such a long time. These students are driven, determined, and more spiritually mature than most people I know. They make the effort to be better individuals and best of all better christians. It's so nice to see the future look so bright for them because of their dedication and devotion to God. I wish I knew more people now who are like them and who were my age.

Ah ha!

Sleep was the answer! I realized as i was leaving for the day that i was up late watching the Olympics. I didn't get much sleep. Whenever i don't get much sleep, my mood is VERY unstable. So. 8 hours is a must. I can function on 7, but any less than 6 and i am an emotional train wreck (as if i'm not already). Whew! At least it had nothing to do with me or any specific thing with me. Once i realized what was wrong, I felt some relief.

Well.....

Today is the first day in a long time that i am sad. I can't quite place it. I'm not sure where it's coming from. I'm on my way to have a play date with the cutest baby in the world and for some reason, I'm sad today. I'm trying to pin point why, just to make sure that i am remaining grounded in my thoughts today. I don't know. Maybe it's physiological. Maybe it's not "me".
Today my today thoughts are not working.

Permissive Will vs. Perfect Will

God's permissive will is defined as God giving you what you want even though it may not be the best thing for you.
God's perfect will is defined as God giving you what He feels you need, which may not even necessarily be what you want, but it works out better that way anyway.
A girl has got to realize when she is acting in God's permissive will. I cannot be foolish anymore. I'm kidding myself. And i must keep reminding myself that my life is not about what i want or what i THINK that i want. Sure, i have desires that i hope that God will someday fulfill, but i would talk so much sh*% about a girl in my position.
I would tell her that she really needs to stop all of this and remember that she is better than this situation. That maybe she is being distracted from the person in her life who is actually available to her. That maybe if she can't let things go, she should at least put herself out there so that she can be reminded that there are single people in the universe who are whole and holy. Most importantly, i would remind her that this is not what God wants for her. Not under any circumstances of any life before and after now. God's best is not this. Vermin sneak around, looking for things that don't belong to them and hope they don't get caught. She is better than vermin.
My biggest problem in life is....i never seem to listen to my own freaking advice.
I'm still trying to figure out why that is. What is it about me that feels i don't deserve good things? Is love really patient? I hope so. And i hope that everyday when i pray for my future husband that he is somewhere patiently waiting for me to be whole and healed and praying for me.
God and love are both intangible, and they are the two things in life that people have a hard time believing for themselves. They can believe it and see it for everyone else. But everyone HOPES to be loved. When in reality, we are already loved. God loves us more than anything. The day that i realized that was the day that i decided that i wanted to be in God's perfect will. I did not realize it at the time, but that's what it was. Avalon says
I don't want to go somewhere
If i know that you're not there.
Cause i know the me with you is a lie.
I don't want to walk that road
Be a million miles from home,
Cause my heart needs to be right where you are.
There are rules in place because God wants what's best for us. He wants the best for us. When you break a rule, you are not only breaking a rule, but you are breaking God's heart because he knows that what we are choosing to do is not in his perfect will. Obedience is hard. Especially when you want what you want. But being in God's will. His perfect will. Is better.

Today

Finally, a little progress. As stated before, I am a worry wart. Its almost like I was born that way I've bee worrying for so long. I knew that I worried the most about the future and what it could bring, but I never attributed it to my depression. Today, I had the first good quiet time I've had in months. Today, I concentrated on being thankful for today. Today, I am happy. Today, I appreciate being alive. Today, I love where I am. Today, I am happy with me.

Redundancy

Apparently my blog entries all say the same thing but in different ways. Gee! Ya think!
How's that for different?