details

I've been trying to figure out how to get out of the pontificating dribble that has been my life for the past 12 months. However, my life is sucking in monumental proportions right now, so at the moment it is all about me.
Until things have changed, i think i will refrain from posting for a while.

Stop and smell the roses

I did today, and it was quite nice.

Popular

I don't know if i've ever mentioned. I was once pretty popular. I was the prom queen in high school, class officer all four years, class favorite junior and senior year, Homecoming court, etc. etc. Even then, i wondered what the big deal was. I was nice to people. I wanted to make a difference in someones' life by being cordial, and collegial. I was not searching for popularity or looking to be well liked. I wanted to make a difference in someones' day. I wanted them to be able to say that they were having a bad day until i showed up. So i was nice. To everyone. No matter where the fell in the shallow, high schoolish food chain.
My high school was relatively low key. We had your typical categories, but we weren't really discriminatory in our cliques. I was not a cheerleader (didn't really see the point. I thought i could do more from the inside), but my best friend was and i hung with them frequently. I planned dances for school, about 4 a year for four years, but only attended them when nominated for this, that or the other. I wasn't a kicker (aka cowgirl), but i had Trisha Yearwoods' latest tape. Yeah, i said tape. Remember those? The football players took me in because i was cute and light hearted and just downright small. Then, i wasn't even 5 feet tall (and probably weighed somewhere around 120 or so), so they quickly and easily adopted me as little sis and took good care of me. Student Council was my thing. That was where i knew that i was doing something that would benefit everyone. I proposed the very first Homecoming King at my high school. They still do it today. I would get passes from teachers on assignments and such because they knew that i was not a threat and meant no harm. I still keep in touch with quite a few of them.
For all that it was worth, though that's where i discovered that i could make a difference. That my life, as simple as it was mattered to someone. Those are the things that i have to say everyday to keep going. I used to think that was conceited, but i can name at least a dozen people who that holds for me. I consider it an honor to have them in my life. All of them read this blog regularly as i have spent the year selfishly rambling about myself and my problems.
As i write this today, probably the most uneventful birthday i have ever had in my life, but better than the 26th birthday when i was keeping company that should not have been kept, i am pressed to thank these people for taking the time to understand me, forgive me, advise me, help me when necessary, and let me cry for how ever long i needed to.
Thank you Andre' for being my friend. Thank you Kesha for being my friend. Thank you Adrian for being my friend.
I say this with all honesty and sincerity -- i truly could not have made it to 32 without you.
Happy Birthday to me! Thanks to you!

Humpty Dumpty

...And all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put Humpty together again.
As I lay here flat on my back for the third straight day, I begin to wonder if everything will cease to work all at once.
If you read this and you pray. For the love of the God that I serve, pray that he makes the pain go away.

Lift Every Voice and Sing!

I wanted so badly to post on election night or day after election day. I really messed up my back somehow and have pretty much been immobile since Wednesday.
I woke up Wednesday morning expecting a pink sky or something. It just didn't seem real to have people in the white house who look like me.
I was reading about this black man who registered to vote for the first time ever. He was 55 years old.
Every time i talked about it with someone, my eyes welled up and i could only shake my head in disbelief. I, like many other blacks, did not believe that white America meant what they said when they said they would vote for Obama. I also did not believe that enough minorities would go out and do what they were supposed to do.
All over campus Wednesday, pro Obama people black and white would smile at each other with that knowing smile. There were Obama t-shirts enmasse. It was the most amazing thing to see, and feel. I say feel because you could actually feel the energy from people. Their excitement and pride was in the air.
There were of course a few dissenters. They felt that christians should vote Republican. There was a burning of Obama signs in one of the campus BBQ pits. There was a noose in a tree on Tuesday morning. This particular university really has its head in the sand concerning racism. It's really quite frustrating. Nonetheless, they cannot change the outcome.
There will be a woman in the White House who gets a relaxer on a regular basis. There will be two small children in the White House for the first time in over 25 years. They will have to change the lighting anytime the First Family is on t.v. Things like oil sheen and Optimum conditioner will be on the grocery list.
It doesn't really seem real. I can't wait for January.

Nick kids pick the President

How funny is this? The Nickelodeon network decided to have a mock election. The kids got to vote and they picked Barack Obama 51% to John McCain's 49% with over 2 million kids voting. Not only that, the kids have been right 4 out of the past 5 elections. Interesting.....
http://www.nick.com/turbonick/index.jhtml?extvideoid=106399

Here's the thing....

"Ch******* is not very political but appreciates that Sarah Palin is honest about her associates, her religious views, and her birth certificates."
This is the "status" of an associate on Facebook. This person by all intent and purposes is intelligent. She is studying to receive a PhD, and does community work, is involved in her church and does (of all things) research. So why does this quote irk me so? It gives credence to the crap that has become an election.
So, allow me to say it out right. I REFUSE to vote for someone based on religion, income bracket or race. I will however, vote based on facts and not rumors created by people on either side. The truth is that Barack Obama has been honest about all of the above, and only a person who refuses to acknowledge that they are voting for someone just because of party, and not because of issues. The bottom line is, if the Repbulican party had been able to produce someone worth spending my time on, maybe they would have at least gotten a second look. Not to mention they have spent the last 8 years lying and misrepresenting themselves and this so called war on terror that never should have started.
The particular person quoted above will vote Republican no matter what. I think that notion is pure ignorance. Once upon a time the Republican party was based on social justice and freeing slaves. The Democratic party was intent on keeping blacks in America enslaved. Things can change, and to go with one party because they agree only with your religious beliefs or gun laws or gay marriage stance, is not enough of a reason to vote for one party.
There are multiple layers to politics and every four years i reevaluate why i vote/believe the way that i do. Has it worked? Will it continue to work? What was the leadership like? Is it time for a change? Do we need to reevaluate the system as a whole?
I don't vote democrat because Barack Obama "looks" like me. I vote for him because Republicans have spent 8 years showing their ass and it's time for something new.

Another year

My birthday is in 15 days. I never dreamed that i would not be ready to see a birthday. I want to put it off. I want it to wait -- just until i get myself together.
I'm quitting my job to pursue my education. This is the only decision i am confident and positive about this year. If i don't do it now, it will never get done. It's 5 years in the making and the only thing that will change is time.
I've gotten to know myself very well this year. If i have anything to say positively that would probably be it. I've learned what i'm capable of. I've learned what i'm incapable of. I've learned that addiction really is a disease. I've learned what faith is. I've learned who i can trust with myself and there are some really unlikely sources. I've learned that not all men are terrible people with thanks to my good friend conflict theorist :)
Also thanks to him, i am reminded that judgment is only reserved for self, and even then should not be appropriate. I spend most of my time trying to be understanding and compassionate. When i felt the worst about myself, he was understanding and compassionate. Shout out!
Friends that i have known forever have been sent to a place i never expected them to be. Trust is lacking. Jealousy is rampant. Unhappiness prevails. For some reason, i get to be the one that is always thought of last by her. Even though i know i've been a better friend than anyone should allow. Oh well. Life goes on. And clearly it must go on without her -- at least from a close perspective.
This was a very trying year. I've starting some things that i can't seem to stop and i've stopped some things that i've started. Three steps forward two steps back.
Every morning i wake up determined to make the day better than the one before. Sometimes i succeed, sometimes i don't. Overall, however, i really do believe that things will be okay for me. I really do feel like i am not "doomed". If some of the bad habits acquired can come under control, it will be even better. Today makes another day to try again. Make good decisions and be proud of who i am no matter what. After all, it could be SO much worse. The whole point of this blog was to remember that i have my whole life ahead of me, and i want to make sure that i don't waste it.
Maybe that's why i feel so badly about this year. I don't really feel as though i have accomplished much. I have realized much and been made aware of much but maybe that's what the accomplishment is. Yeah. (light bulb) That's right. I've learned A LOT. And with learning there is growth. It's impossible for someone to learn things and not be different. Once ignorance disappears, one can only be improved. Yeah!
Okay. So i spend next year taking what i have learned, the good and the bad and work it out. Once you know, it is no longer ignorance but stupidity. I do still have my whole life ahead of me, and 300 days (more or less) of mistakes cannot discount that. Even if i die tomorrow, i know that regardless of what has been done, i have asked for forgiveness, have changed much of my life, and know that i will see my Father in heaven.
One day at a time. I will continue to progress one day at a time.

Elijah

In 1 & 2 Kings starting in 1 Kings chapter 17 there is the story of a prophet. Quite possibly the most powerful prophet in biblical history. Elijah was so cool and so "in" with God that he was one of two people in the Bible who did not die. God just took him up into the clouds. A very cool story.
Well, Elijah was given the task of delivering a very unfavorable message to a king and his prophets. He did so, and gave an incredible showing of Gods' power. He called fire down from heaven and had all of the false prophets killed. He gave them ample warning of course that they must cease and desist all lying and blaspheming. The kings' wife (Jezebel) heard of this and put a hit out on Elijah. And he did what any God fearing human being would do in that situation...... He ran. He had just performed some amazing acts; things that could have only come from God; killed 400 men by calling down fire from heaven, and yet, he ran.
The story does not name the place specifically, but i've spoken with many biblical scholars who believe that he spent this time in a place called Cherith. He was alone, and afraid and asked God to take his life many times. While he was there, God fed him, encouraged him and made sure that his general well being was taken care of.
I feel as though i have been brought to the place that i am in to be taken care of by God. I am alone, scared and have on more than one occasion questioned the purpose of my existence. Through all of this, i have been sustained -- taken care of.
Now though, i think it is time for me to go and do what God has called me to do. That means so many things have to change. I have to be brave. I have to come out of Cherith and deliver whatever message i have to whomever should have it.
Time out for the okey doke. I have to get up and move on. It's so hard to do because of the comfort of being alone and being taken care of and out of the line of fire. To whom much is given much is required. I just hope that i have not gone so far out that God does not see fit to bring me back in.
I'm incredibly disappointed in myself and my behavior for the past 6 or 8 months, but God gives hope. If he doesn't remember it, why should i? Easier said that done though.
So, my friend. It is time to come out of Cherith.

Patience.....yes, we're back here

I am not skilled to understand what God has willed, what God has planned. I only know that if i do what i am supposed to do by way of being patient and prudent about my decisions, my life will be okay. Some people would say that's just common sense. God has no use in that. I don't know. I believe in a force bigger than myself. I believe in fate. I believe that i cannot do things on my own. I believe in the comfort of the Holy Spirit.
And i believe that if i am patient enough, God will take care of my needs. Prayer changes things. If i did not believe it, i would not say it were so.
There are so many things that i am waiting on now. Some are of the utmost importance (like finding a new place in life with my career) and others not so much (getting a new car).
But still..... I wait.
My blind date was fun. He is a very nice guy and i have a lot in common with him. He's very smart.
It's nice to have someone to talk to other than the 5 or so people in town that i talk to and hang out with.
We'll see how it goes.

It is time

To come out of Cherith.

Blind Date

A few months ago, i decided to leave the fate of my love life in the hands of those who know me best. Since i'm not in a huge rush to get hitched, i figure maybe i should enlist some help. Maybe i'm oblivious to missed chances or opportunities to meet guys. I hang out with girls all the time. Most of them are married and most of their husbands get on my nerves. There is very little i see that makes me want to rush to the alter. So i figure, i'll leave it up to others. They care a little more than i do, and truth be told, i'd go to the alter with the right guy. I say all that to say that my good friend at work, who does not know that i have asked my family to look for me has set me up with a guy.
A blind date
*gasp*
I've never been on a blind date before. I'm a little nervous. I told my BFF that there is a chance he does not like me, or how i look or what we talk about. This is a good BFF for you, "well market research has shown that would not be possible. You kind of have to worry about what YOU will think of HIM. We all know you're awesome. Let's hope he is too."
Now it doesn't get much better than that.
I am still crushing on my crush. Poor clueless guy has no idea. He's younger than me so he may not even think there is anything there.
Dating is ambiguous. It's awkward and socially painful. I've never liked to date. Maybe that's why i don't really care about getting married. The stuff you have to go through to get there is not fun. At least for me it never has been. After a few failed relationships you sort of end up cynical and apathetic. Most of the people i know are getting divorced anyway. Those that are not getting a divorce, should. I don't like watching this institution of marriage. I wonder if i'm ready to give up that much of myself.
Getting married is a total dying of self for a woman. Especially someone in their 30's. You've been independent for a long time. You have taken care of yourself. You get complacent and career driven. So when you get married, you have to change some of that. Most of that really. You can't buy the pumps without thinking about someone else's checkbook or lunch money. I don't believe in joint accounts. Will he?
There's so much to it than just living with and loving someone until you die. What if i own a house? What if he owns a house? What if he doesn't like my dog? What if he has kids? What if he doesn't want kids? What if he snores? What if i snore?
My brain hurts now. This is why i don't think about this. It's really pointless to do so unless you have to. Especially the stuff you have no control over.
What if this guy chews with his mouth open?
Ha ha ha. This will be an interesting date.

Modern Technology

Sucks!
*Sigh*
I dropped my phone last week and cracked the LCD screen. Now, unfortunately, i can't see who is calling, text messages, time, schedule......basically, nothing. All i can see is the Picasso-esque crack in the middle of my screen, and hear the phone when it rings. This latter is of some solace because almost everyone in my phone has a special ring. The smarter people over the weekend would call after an unanswered text message. I apologize to all others.
Back in the day, a dropped phone would have meant a little less.....i suppose, hassle. It has been incredibly inconvenient to not be able to see who is calling me. To miss the Cowboys game and not be able to see the text message of the score (i slept through that and sports center).
I had to answer practically every call because i had to let them know that i had no way of calling them back and "could you call me back at about 6:00? My Grandma will be calling at 5:00." I was supposed to confirm football game plans at the State Fair with a friend....if you're reading this, i'm so sorry. Give me a call when you get a chance. When i went to the wrong movie theater, i had to wait for my friends to call me about the new time.
It sort of made me wonder how in the world we made it through life without cell phones.
My new phone should be here sometime today or tomorrow. Not soon enough...

Letter to Myself

Hang in there Girl! God is looking out for you today and always. You are stonger than you think you are and even while you don't believe it now, you will get through this. Your life is one that others see love in. Your days make people happy and that makes you happy. Don't forget that in all of this process of helping others you must help yourself. Take the time, right now to breathe and appreciate what God made. Believe in yourself and in what you can do, and believe that God is behind you through it all. Today will be a good day. God is sending angels to whisper comfort and encouragement to you. Hang in there girl. You are not alone. God loves you more than you can imagine. More than you can fathom. He loves you more than the sun, and you shine for Him.

Clearing the Clutter

My brain is constantly full of random information. Stuff that doesn't need to be there. Stuff that should be there but i'm not sure what to do with it. Stuff people tell me. Stuff i tell myself. I am constantly thinking.....about anything and everything. Sometimes i wonder if the noise would stop would i be better off? Well, i'm going to try that and see.
I'm going to take up meditating on my Mom's advice and try to clear my mind. Most of the time, i am so mentally exhausted. Trying to remember the things that i am supposed to remember. Deciphering what's important and what's not. Lately, what's important has not been remembered and i hate that. I feel like my mind is older that it should be.
I tried last nite for the first time to sit down and think of nothing for 5 minutes. Every time i thought of "something", i would start my 5 minutes over. The longest i was able to make it was about 2 minutes and after 15 minutes i gave up. Baby steps.
I am so distracted by life, and i shouldn't be. It shouldn't be this hard to keep up with things. To keep up with myself.
My Mom also feels like (as do my BFFs) people are starting to drain me. Their problems and rantings and ravings about whatever. Even if i feel like i don't do much with it, because of my empathy it sits with me. Even without me realizing it. It's true, i know. So i believe i will limit my contact to my BFFs. The only thing is, my students come to me A LOT. I'm not really sure how to handle that part. I'll have to think about that for a minute.
Will i really be able to only talk to 4 people and my friend from church? I don't know. I need something other than what i have right now.
This morning, i closed my eyes and imagined my head on Gods' chest. Listening to breathing (does God breathe?). Feeling comfort and whole and unjudged and perfect. I wonder how people who don't believe in anything make it?
Today, i've been trying to chase the clutter from my mind whenever it comes up. Things that have nothing to do with what i'm doing right now for whatever purpose. The clutter comes to keep us from remembering that Jesus loves us.
I was at a very, very low point in my life once and the children's choir at the church i was attending sang Jesus Loves Me. (I'm sure i've told that story before). It was probably the most spiritual moment of my life. To hear that song come from the innocence of a chorus of children. To have that childlike faith again that everything will be okay because Jesus loves me!
Remembering that is the cornerstone to any Christian existence. Once you get that. Truly get that..... it makes all the difference in the world.
Just like you wouldn't want to disappoint your earthly parent, the same should hold true for your heavenly Father. Just because you can't see Him doesn't mean He's not there.
Sometimes i wonder if that isn't part of my clutter. Wanting so badly to do the right thing that i think too hard about doing the right thing and then when i do the wrong thing focusing too much on what i've done.....whew!
There's simplicity and complexity in walking with faith and purpose. It's simple because all you really have to do is believe and live according to the Word of God. It's complex because the deeper you get into it, the more you have to think about what you do and the motives behind it. You want to help, but are you looking for a reward after? You want to pray, but do you do it because you are supposed to or because you want to? You go to church, but do you go because you are supposed to or because you want to? Somethings become ritual, habit, expectations, obligations even. How does one discern the two? Well, spending time with God is the best way to figure out what is for you and what is not.
I hope that my efforts are fruitful. I hope that i continue to keep trying. I hope that my friends do not become distractions and clutter themselves. That would be bad.
I know that i am here to spend time with God alone. I know that i am here to learn. I know that i am here to grow, so i hope i accomplish these things so that i can move on.

What about Bob?

I have fabulous friends. They care a heap about me and my well being. My life is richer because of the friends in my life to rescue me, listen to me, help me see reality, help me see the future while at the same time, help me through the present. Three of my close friends are girls. One is a guy. Which is very different from how i grew up. When i was in high school, i was the cute little girl so i had lots of friends who were guys who were more than willing to be the bodyguard/friend/big brother to me. It was great and it carried on to college. Once i graduated, many of my friends and i went our separate ways. Including the boys. Bob has been the only constant. We've been friends since we were 10 years old. If you can imagine this Love and Basketball type relationship (minus him being mean to me during childhood) and then more mature teenage and college years....
Bob knows more about me than almost anyone. We missed a lot of communication in college, but decided to date a little toward the end. Our friendship was challenged. A LOT. You invest in a person a little bit more when you date them. You want a little bit more of them. Neither one of us got that from the other and we didn't work out. I never realized how complicated relationships could be until that one...
Once we started dating, Bob became that quintessential person. The addition to my BFF list which at the moment included one and a half. (I was just beginning to be friends with one of my current best friends.) My relationship with my parents became strained and Bob became more important. My school decisions became complicated and Bob had an influence in that too. He doesn't know that though. Then Bob got married.
I decided that maybe we should give our friendship a break so as not to intrude on his newly wedded bliss. And for five years, i missed talking to Bob. Still do. We have this strange crack like connection, and i think in the end we will both realize that it's our friendship and what we do for each other that keeps us close. I talk to him like i talk to my girlfriends. And that means a lot to a girl. Every girl needs that one guy. That "no matter what" guy. It may not seem like it now, but i'm sure that Bob is still willing to be that kind of friend. All be it on a different level maybe.
We have exchanged A LOT of heated ideas. And disagree on somethings. In the end, the respect is still there. When we take the once-upon-a-time-we-dated part of our relationship out, i bet we'll be able to be friends again. At least, i hope so. I could be wrong. He could possibly not care if i live or die, but i hope that someday our relationship will be able to live again. As a true friend. As a true friend.

The Hurricane of Life

For 2008, my life has felt like a hurricane. Just like a hurricane, there have been times that have been calmer than others. I reach the eye and i feel like everything will be okay. Then i reach the other side of the storm which is worse than the first side.....for a while.
Hurricanes are designed to spin, blow wind, rain, etc. If trees are not well rooted, they will be blown out of the ground. If houses do not have a good foundation, they will be blown away.
I have to be able to stand up to all of the spinning and blowing and rain. My foundation has to be solid. You have to be able to stand and remember that God is always there, even in the wind and the rain. Sometimes God will bring the wind and the rain, but you have to be able to stand. To be firm; rooted deep.
Every once in a while, you will find a tree that even though it was blown from the ground, it will be able to be replanted. Being replanted does not assure it's health and wellness. Being replanted does not even assure that it will not be blown away again. If, however, the tree is rooted well. If it is buried deep into the soil so that it can take from nature what it needs, there is a better chance that the tree will grow to be big and strong and healthy. There will be a time, once the tree is replanted, that it will not be well due to the stress brought on from the storm and being replanted. If, however, the tree is nurtured, it has an excellent chance of growing and bearing leaves or fruit. But it must be taken care of properly.
Sometimes the trauma of post traumatic stress can cause us to be exhausted, weary, uprooted. We go through things and feel so disheveled after. "What happened, and why?" We ask. We are hurt. We are sad. We are scared and feel very very alone. It is often in those times, even though we have people there who are looking out for us and helping us to maintain, that we feel the MOST alone. Sometimes, we are meant to be alone. So that there is no one there but you and God. People are temporary. God is forever. And even though we feel like we are laying hurt and wounded from the storm all alone, God is there. He wants us to ask Him for help and then depend on Him for the help that we need. Our lives are way to complicated to do this alone and expect to be okay. That tree cannot get up by itself. It must have help. Even though the storm was not our fault (or maybe is was), we feel as though nothing can help fix where we are.....But God. The author and finisher of all. He knew the ending before the beginning. He can bring us up and through any up rooting we may feel. He will not leave us alone, but we do have to ask for His help. He must see that we are done depending on ourselves and everyone else to be the ear/shoulder/confidant.
God and God alone can bring us up from the hurricane of life.

Crush

Is it too much to ask to want to be with someone who is after the same things that i am? Is it too complicated to want someone who wants the same spiritual goals in life as me? Who knows. Maybe it is. I really do believe though that there is someone out there who can be that for me. Until then, however i have a crush. Hee hee. This is someone who fits the bill of all of the above, but is just a crush none the less. Crushes for me usually go nowhere. Last no time at all and fizzle pretty quickly. It'll be fun to see if this stays true :)

Life Is Hard

But God is Good....

Full of thought

I have been thinking and thinking about a lot the past few days. So this post will be a little long since i decided to go for one post as opposed to two or three different ones. As my regret turns to the shame that i must now fight, lots of things have been going through my mind. I say i must fight the shame because shame brings guilt, and since i have asked for and been given forgiveness, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ.

The past six months have brought so much unneccessary pain into my life. Pain that has been brought on by only myself. God knew the ending before the beginning even came and we have a tendency to screw up everything in between. Our choices don't neccessarily make us who we are, but how we handle the choices we have made, that's what defines us. So i'm choosing to move on. I'm choosing to take my experiences and continue to grow. I'm choosing to be the example that someone may need someday to feel grace and redemption in making the same choices i have.

I am also thankful. Thankful that things did not turn out worse. Thankful that i can still be friends with my friend and know that everything is and always will be ok. I'm thankful that God intervened (as i knew he would have to in order to pull me out). I am thankful that through this process i have a support system that is amazing and right on time. Most of all, i am thankful for the grace that Christ died to give us. I am thankful that i have learned what my limitations are.

Do i wish i could have found all of that without this situation? Of course. But that is something that i must contend with and try to be aware of for the future.

I think more than anything, I want to be sure to make the grace of God an option for someone someday. But i also want to let them know that while God's grace is sufficiant, it can run it's course and run out. Like any parent, God does not want to be taken advantage of. So if the life lived is not one that you know God would be proud of, maybe that should change. There were so many behaviors that i fell back into over the past six months that i had hoped were at the very back of my mind. The important thing to remember is that God only wants what is best for us.

And the truth is, we should be discriminatory about what we listen to on the radio. We should watch what we say and the language we use. We should be careful of how we treat others. The bottom line all comes down to two things:

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind. AND

Love thy neighbor as thyself. Matthew 22:36-39

Here is proof that God does not appreciate the stubbornness of people who claim they are being "judged" by others.

Proverbs 1:20-33
20Wisdom calls aloud in the street, she raises her voice in the public squares;
21 at the head of the noisy streets [c] she cries out, in the gateways of the city she makes her speech:
22 "How long will you simple ones [d] love your simple ways? How long will mockers delight in mockery and fools hate knowledge?
23 If you had responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you and made my thoughts known to you.
24 But since you rejected me when I called and no one gave heed when I stretched out my hand,
25 since you ignored all my advice and would not accept my rebuke,
26 I in turn will laugh at your disaster; I will mock when calamity overtakes you-
27 when calamity overtakes you like a storm, when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind, when distress and trouble overwhelm you.
28 "Then they will call to me but I will not answer; they will look for me but will not find me.
29 Since they hated knowledge and did not choose to fear the LORD,
30 since they would not accept my advice and spurned my rebuke,
31 they will eat the fruit of their ways and be filled with the fruit of their schemes.
32 For the waywardness of the simple will kill them, and the complacency of fools will destroy them;
33 but whoever listens to me will live in safety and be at ease, without fear of harm."
God's patience can run out. If you swear/cuss/use the Lord's name in vain, try to stop it. If you like pornos, sex, excessive drinking, try to stop it. If you enjoy the occassional song with questionable lyrics, try to stop it. I say try because, we have to have God's help with everything we do. If we make the effort, He will do the rest. If we draw unto Him, He will draw unto us. James 4:8 Why? Because obedience is better than sacrifice.
Live like God is following behind your every step everyday. This will ensure that you will watch your speech, watch your language, watch your gossip, watch your sexual habits, watch how you treat others. It's worth the effort. God has been too good to not follow his every word with more effort.

What Makes Me, Me!

I love personality tests. I like learning new things about myself and how my personality affects my behavior or someone else's behavior. People don't realize sometimes how much their interactions with others are affected because of personality types/quirks. There is one test that gives a little synopsis of descriptive words of your personality type:
Mediator
Optimistic (i know it may not seem that way from the blog, but deep down i really am)
Caretaker (this one is huge for me)
Passionate
True Romantic (this is why i shy away from relationships)
Cause oriented (i have to be fighting for something with all of that passion)
Need to feel "special" (very true)
Has a kind word
Enjoy the symbols of romance
Strong sense of spirituality
Sensitive to the needs of others (empathy)
Peace, Harmony, Relationship
Motivate and encourage others (also very true)
Cooperative rather than competitive

Life, As Is con't

So my office is a mess. My house is a mess. My car is a mess. My mind is a mess. Sounds appropriate doesn't it?
I can't seem to focus on anything. I haven't been able to for months but it has finally come to a head now. I'm trying to walk with purpose and remember the things that i am supposed to remember. It's hard. For the past 8 months or so, I have felt like i belong in an institution sitting in a bed rocking. It's funny, but it's not funny. I can't concentrate. I have to ask questions 2 and 3 times. I'm trying really hard not to wear down my co workers with questions or to ask questions in which information has already been disseminated. I forgot to pay my bills last month. Who does that? How do you do that? I've been forgetting to eat. You would think. "Great! Weight loss!" No. Because when i do get a chance to eat, i grab whatever i can, and that's usually not good.
My hair is coming out. I'm not sure about that one. And my cold sores, which only show up in times of stress, are in abundance......TMI?......sorry.
It's about to be September. Annually in September i start the countdown for my birthday. Once fall starts, it gets here faster than i realize. Soon, i will be 32.
I'm trying very hard to redeem myself from the terrible mistakes that i have made this year. As well as some things that just, sort of, happened.
At the moment, i would love to be able to turn back time and start 31 all over again. Which is unfortunate because the whole point of this year was to not be that way.
Oh well. A little over three months are left. Let's see what i choose to do with them.

Life, As is

Life is complicated. I wish more than anything that there was a good explanation for that. Friends are still friends. Life still goes on. Maybe someday, someone will be able to biblically explain how two people can honestly be friends. specially with no stringss attached.

And the answer is.....Uncomfortable Character

That's why doing the right thing feels so crummy. God wants all of us to have good character. Sometimes, in the process of that, we feel uncomfortable. So be it. God would rather we be uncomfortable and have good character than be comfortable and feel okay about doing things that exhibit bad character. Sometimes it's okay to be in a state of uncomfortableness (is that a word?) it means your spirit is pricked, your conviction is alive. That's good. You feel badly, you feel guilty, that's good. You should worry when you do things that are less than stellar and you feel nothing. The guilt in my life is really weighing on me and now, i count it all joy. The Holy Spirit is still alive in me. God still loves me enough to convict me, and i am forgiven in His name and by His grace.
Now, all i have to do is continue to try to grow in Him/with Him/for Him.

Conscience

Why does doing the right thing always feel so incredibly bad?

Just Thanks!

I love to help. Its a blessing and sometimes a curse. Yesterday was definitley a day when it was a blessing. I help out with the college students at my church. There are a handful of students that we help out more than others. We feed them, counsel them, give them money if they need it, and many, many other duties as assigned. I do not like Waco very much and the past few months began to wonder if I was serving any purpose. My students showed us that we are. They took the time to make a video to thank the four of us who work with them individually. I haven't been moved or even appreciated like that in such a long time. These students are driven, determined, and more spiritually mature than most people I know. They make the effort to be better individuals and best of all better christians. It's so nice to see the future look so bright for them because of their dedication and devotion to God. I wish I knew more people now who are like them and who were my age.

Ah ha!

Sleep was the answer! I realized as i was leaving for the day that i was up late watching the Olympics. I didn't get much sleep. Whenever i don't get much sleep, my mood is VERY unstable. So. 8 hours is a must. I can function on 7, but any less than 6 and i am an emotional train wreck (as if i'm not already). Whew! At least it had nothing to do with me or any specific thing with me. Once i realized what was wrong, I felt some relief.

Well.....

Today is the first day in a long time that i am sad. I can't quite place it. I'm not sure where it's coming from. I'm on my way to have a play date with the cutest baby in the world and for some reason, I'm sad today. I'm trying to pin point why, just to make sure that i am remaining grounded in my thoughts today. I don't know. Maybe it's physiological. Maybe it's not "me".
Today my today thoughts are not working.

Permissive Will vs. Perfect Will

God's permissive will is defined as God giving you what you want even though it may not be the best thing for you.
God's perfect will is defined as God giving you what He feels you need, which may not even necessarily be what you want, but it works out better that way anyway.
A girl has got to realize when she is acting in God's permissive will. I cannot be foolish anymore. I'm kidding myself. And i must keep reminding myself that my life is not about what i want or what i THINK that i want. Sure, i have desires that i hope that God will someday fulfill, but i would talk so much sh*% about a girl in my position.
I would tell her that she really needs to stop all of this and remember that she is better than this situation. That maybe she is being distracted from the person in her life who is actually available to her. That maybe if she can't let things go, she should at least put herself out there so that she can be reminded that there are single people in the universe who are whole and holy. Most importantly, i would remind her that this is not what God wants for her. Not under any circumstances of any life before and after now. God's best is not this. Vermin sneak around, looking for things that don't belong to them and hope they don't get caught. She is better than vermin.
My biggest problem in life is....i never seem to listen to my own freaking advice.
I'm still trying to figure out why that is. What is it about me that feels i don't deserve good things? Is love really patient? I hope so. And i hope that everyday when i pray for my future husband that he is somewhere patiently waiting for me to be whole and healed and praying for me.
God and love are both intangible, and they are the two things in life that people have a hard time believing for themselves. They can believe it and see it for everyone else. But everyone HOPES to be loved. When in reality, we are already loved. God loves us more than anything. The day that i realized that was the day that i decided that i wanted to be in God's perfect will. I did not realize it at the time, but that's what it was. Avalon says
I don't want to go somewhere
If i know that you're not there.
Cause i know the me with you is a lie.
I don't want to walk that road
Be a million miles from home,
Cause my heart needs to be right where you are.
There are rules in place because God wants what's best for us. He wants the best for us. When you break a rule, you are not only breaking a rule, but you are breaking God's heart because he knows that what we are choosing to do is not in his perfect will. Obedience is hard. Especially when you want what you want. But being in God's will. His perfect will. Is better.

Today

Finally, a little progress. As stated before, I am a worry wart. Its almost like I was born that way I've bee worrying for so long. I knew that I worried the most about the future and what it could bring, but I never attributed it to my depression. Today, I had the first good quiet time I've had in months. Today, I concentrated on being thankful for today. Today, I am happy. Today, I appreciate being alive. Today, I love where I am. Today, I am happy with me.

Redundancy

Apparently my blog entries all say the same thing but in different ways. Gee! Ya think!
How's that for different?

...And Sometimes He Sends Help

Last night our church had our monthly week of prayer. We come together and have a congregational prayer for any and everything everyone needs. After our group prayer one of the members comes up to me and the following exchange ensued
Les -- "You remind me so much of myself when i was your age."
Me -- "Oh really? How's that?"
Les -- "You've been living your spiritual life for so long and you begin to wonder what's the point? You feel like you try so hard and work so hard to do what God wants you to do and you see everyone else getting everything you want, and you begin to wonder what's the point? You feel like God has forgotten you. You can believe everything can come to everyone else but yourself. You can believe it for her (as she points to one of the college youth) but you can't believe it for yourself. Believe in what God has for you. Believe that God can give it to you too. Believe that he hears you and sees you and that all the good things you've done do not go unnoticed."

At this point there were no words. Just uncontrollable sobbing from me. Over the past few years one of my many mantras has been, "I believe in what God has for me. I believe in what God has for me." I had not expressed any of this to Les. I hardly ever see her to tell you the truth. She saw what was inside me and felt compelled to help. My pain is being seen. My desires are being heard. My heart is going to stop hurting. My help comes from the Lord.

Bored, Anxious, Tired

God help me to be content with where i am.

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. Romans 8:25-26

7Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;do not fret when men succeed in their ways,when they carry out their wicked schemes. Psalms 37:7

Psalms 40
1 I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.
4 Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.
5 Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.
6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced; burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll.
8 I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart."
9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, as you know, O LORD. 10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and salvation. I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD; may your love and your truth always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me; O LORD, come quickly to help me.
14 May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion; may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace.
15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!" be appalled at their own shame.
16 But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say,"The LORD be exalted!"
17 Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.

To Be Real

Does one really want to reap what they sow? Of course not. You must be careful what you sow. I'm hoping that i have sown good seed. I'm hoping that the seeds i'm sowing now are good, although i know that some aren't.
To be in God's will means to do things you sometimes don't want to do and to not do things that you really want to do. I do my quiet time (though not as faithfully as i should) so that i can hear from God. The more time you spend with Him, the better you are able to hear His voice. I spent so much quiet time in the beginning of the year. So much time praying for people and for church.
I believe that when you pray for people, situations, families that your prayers are heard and God starts to move. I believe that everyone has an angel or two, and that those angels are dispatched to do whatever it is that God deems to be the solution to the problem prayed for. I believe that when the enemy sees the good that is happening, he sends his own angels to disrupt the good that is being done. I've been praying for a few marriages, some specific, some in general. I'm not the only one either. Now, many, many marriages are in trouble or over. I'm not saying that my prayers are so effective that that is the reason for the disruption. BUT many people have been praying -- for specific marriages and marriage in general. More to the point my own views of marriage have been skewed. So not only are the marriages under attack, but the frame of mind of stable singles are as well. I'm not the only single girl who sees the break down, and it's beginning to affect us. The trick is to pray without ceasing. Pray and keep praying no matter what. Because the prayers of the righteous avails much (James 5:16).

Ain't No Mountain High Enough

What have we learned so far?
1. My lack of faith goes back to childhood and unanswered prayers
2. The same goes with my lack of trust in God and in Men
3. My empathy is very very strong. It can sometimes take over logical thinking
4. I would love to be married and have kids someday, despite what i have talked myself into for the past decade
5. My quiet time with God is quintessential to my growth and to staying mentally and spiritually healthy.
6. My lack of faith and trust is a generational curse (learned yesterday).
7. I am capable of what God places on my heart.
8. I truly can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

That's all i got so far, but i felt like i should track my progress.

Give it away

Yesterday was hard. I dealt with it though. I tried to focus more on the result and what the result should be. The result should be that i give everything to God. EVERYTHING
I think that there are some situations in my life right now that have been pushed forward because of what i have done. I think that my complications with certain relationships came about because of what i did..... I don't think i am making myself clear. I am inclined to believe that one of these relationships was supposed to come about eventually, but since i took control, it came about too early and is causing complication that may not have been there had i let God have it. I think that makes more since. The reason i think this is because of the work that is being done in me. I don't believe that it was meant to be done in the same circle as some people. I believe that i was meant to go through this and then the relationship could be whatever it was supposed to be. That way, things would not be complicated. Things would be clear.
Yesterday, i tried to give it to God. All of the thoughts that should not have been in my head. All of the feelings that cause the discontent that should not be there. I tried to give it to God. It's a process. Because for me that also means being patient, and as i said in an earlier post, patience is not necessarily my thing. But i must give it away.
In an earlier post i wrote the line to an FFH song "Lord move. Or move me." I think God is moving me....right out of the way so that he can do the perfect work in me that should be done. So that my life can be simple enough to depend on Him without doubt, without trepidation, without fear.
Ironically enough, the thought process that i had when i was praying what i thought were unanswered prayers as a child, should be revisited now. Child-like faith is what God wants from us. To believe as children believe and not doubt. To get back to the simplicity of what God really is. Who God really is.
3But I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent's cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ. 2 Corinthians 11:3
Those are Paul's' words to the church of Corinth. We should never stray away from the pure devotion to Christ. When we do, we become prime cuts for the devil. Believe it or not, one of my most favorite versus is 10The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10
The enemy wants to destroy you. If that means he will use other people to do it, then he will. If that means he will use situations to do it, then he will. When i am in the place that i have been in for the past 6 months, i try to remember that the devil wants to destroy me, and i should do everything in my spiritual power to not allow it. If that means dumping people, it means dumping people. If that means dumping some social situations, then it must be done. If that means dumping certain movies or music, then so be it. People are the hardest, but i believe the most necessary.
When people around you start to change your devotion to Christ, it's time to move around. Nothing should separate us. I have allowed things to separate me, but NOTHING should separate us from our relationship, our time, our devotion to God.
Through all of this, i have wanted nothing more on Sunday mornings than to stay in the bed and not be bothered. But i have learned from past experiences that that is not the way. That is not what God wants. During this time He wants us to be closer than ever. Try harder than ever no matter what. I get a little closer every time. I still went to church, but kept to myself in the beginning. In times like these, you can't be alone with your thoughts and feelings to run ram shot in your brain. That only makes it worse. You only feel worse, and it only leaves room for the enemy to come in and work his stuff in your head. I'm getting it. Little by little i'm getting it. It's all a mental fight, but the fight won't be a fight if you continue to stay in God's presence.

GPS--- God Positioning Saints

This morning Bob says to me "Over the past couple of weeks, I'm not sure who you are." I said, "Good. Hopefully, in another couple of weeks i will be an entirely different person, but for the better."
There are some things floating around in my brain --- in my heart that never used to float there before. I am one of the rare bodies who can say that i really am okay being single for as long as i need to be. For me it means that God knows that i'm not ready, and the bottom line is, i'm okay with that. Heaven forbid i walk into something that i am not ready for when i should have marinated just a little while longer. Or worse yet, he should have marinated just a little while longer. Having said that, i will be single for as long as it takes for God to position me and/or my future husband to where we need to be together.
Now, having said that, i don't believe that the things that have me so discontent have come from God. I don't think that all of this is supposed to make me discontent, but to observe, make mental notes and adjust myself accordingly.
I am, by nature an emotional person. I wish all the time that i could change that. I wish that i could not allow things to affect me so incredibly deeply, but they do. It is the nature of a woman, it is the nature of me. For the most part, i have learned to deal with it. Say what needs to be said if it needs to be said and move on. If it doesn't, then i clam up.
This whole marriage thing has gotten me a little discontent. Mostly because i am so afraid of it. I am pretty thankful that there has not been even the possibility of marriage in my brief dating lifetime. I was not ready. I'm still not ready. But the thought has been floating, floating. The idea has been kicked around as i watch all of these married people deal with their married problems. I am so thankful for the ones that are open and honest about the good, the bad and the ugly of marriage. I appreciate their honesty and willingness to talk about it.
Through the recent spiritual revelations that have been given to me, i feel that God is positioning me. I don't necessarily feel like it is for marriage, but he is positioning me to move. Not literally of course. But to move. He is moving me. He is moving me to a higher place of faith. Moving me to put my faith and trust more deeply in Him. To not have so much faith in the prayers of a 6, 7, 8 year old girl who couldn't possibly understand the dynamics of her parents relationship. Moving me to believe beyond what i could possibly dream of for myself. Believe in Him and what He has to offer and give me. Not what i can "create" for myself. I have spent so much time trying to MAKE myself believe the things that as a christian should be a natural given ability. He's moving me to make it more natural. To go with the flow that He has created. And if in the process, i move the wrong way or go the wrong direction, He will redirect me like any good GPS device should.
"You missed your turn. Turn left at the next intersection to be rerouted to your destination." I get tears just thinking about it. (although everything makes me cry these days) God loves me so much that He is taking this route to increase my faith in Him. To make it easier on me. It will be so much easier if i just BELIEVE. Leave it all to Him and follow the GPS. No worries. No questions. Just turn where He says turn, and try not to get distracted by the things along the way so that i miss my turn.
I do believe that God wants what's best for me. I do believe that everything, EVERYTHING works together for the good of them that love the Lord. But i must put my belief into action. I must praise Him through this so that i can praise Him in the end. I have to be movable or else i will make everything harder than it should be.
I am being broken so that i can be better. It hurts like hell, but i appreciate it so much.
God is positioning me.

More to it

I can't believe that so much has come through that one revelation. It was so overwhelming I couldn't sleep last nite. Now i am wondering how to go about increasing my faith with the knowledge that i have. This has answered so many questions for me. I have not been happy because i doubted God's ability to make me happy. I didn't try certain things because i doubted God's ability to intervene. That's why this year was so important to me. That's why i know that when i meet the person that i will marry, it will be appointed by God. Because i believe differently about what i expect God to do for me. Everything in life that has happened to me got blamed on my not praying hard enough or not believing hard enough and all of that went back to my prayers for my parents. This has explained why i have dated so many emotionally unavailable men. Deep down, i did not believe that there was better. My dad was emotionally unavailable to my mom. My mom never really loved my dad. So how do you do what you don't see? You tell a child to draw a tree, and if the child has never seen a tree, you could get a house. I'm trying to see the tree, and all of the beauty that it brings.
It was (and still is) so hard for me to say that I will be happy someday. I've been so unhappy for so long that i never believed that i would be happy. Only content. Only settled.
But God.....
He has intervened and made me realize that my life is worth the fight. That everything bad that happens is not because of Him. Sometimes it's because of us. I wonder now though, where do i go with this? How do i continue to make it grow? How do i continue to move forward and not go backward?
I want more than anything to be happy. That's all i've ever wanted. So much of my life even now is not making me happy. Choices i have made have changed my frame of mind.
God loves me enough to want me to be better. God loves me enough to send me what i need to be better, and it has come in different forms, different people, different situations. I know that everything leads to something else. Be it bad or be it good. One thing leads to another. God loves me enough to want me to be happy, and He will do whatever it takes to help me to get there. I'm thankful that even when i give up. God does not give up on me.

The Power of Positivity

This has been an interesting year. I believe that God wanted growth from me this year. No matter how I screwed it up, H e was determined to see growth in me. If I was willing to take it, He was willing to grow me. My frequent prayer for strength would come to pass, but not without the steps to make stronger.
This week's ah ha moment is to release the fear. I'll explain.
It occurred to me today that my fear of relationships stems from my parents marriage. "Yeah, yeah." You say, "You've already covered that." Here's what's new to be added to that..... My fear was based on a lack of faith. A lack of faith that was established through my parents' marriage that planted a terrible, terrible seed that would follow me the rest of my life.
When I was a kid, I used to pray to God that my Dad would not cheat on my Mom anymore and that we could all be happy together. I prayed that prayer A LOT. It never came to pass. As a child that unanswered prayer, at least that's how my 10 year old brain perceived it, meant that God didn't care. I was mad at God. I wouldn't admit it then. Twenty years later I was still reluctant to admit it. But I have been mad at God, when I really should have been mad at the devil. God had nothing to do with my parents breaking up. Did I want Him to intervene? Of course. Was that possible based on the realm of free will that God created for us? No. My Father CHOSE to do what he did and behave the way that he did. My mother chose to marry him. Now, here's where it gets sticky. Beyond the creation of my sister and I, that marriage should have never happened. She had doubts before she got into it and chose to ignore them. What hand could God have in people who decide to give life a go on their own? Not much except to clean it up after. I don't know about you, but I don't wan to have God as a "clean up man". We choose our fate. That is what Bob wanted me to see. And since we choose our fate, we have to deal with any negative consequences. Deal with it. Don't leave your life to chance. Pray daily.

A Challenging Challenge

I have been faced with a challenge. No. Not something that must be faced by way of conquering. Not really. I have a friend. Since this is continually the the same friend, I will give him the inside joke blue collar name of Bob.
I don't know how he does it, but Bob is probably one of the most nonchalant, chill, laid back people i know. I have to preface this by wondering if someday Bob will have a massive coronary from all of the things that he keeps bottled up inside. But if you ask him. It is not "bottled", but given over to God. I wondered how in the whole wide universe that was possible. Then, i remembered....dudes do that.
That's all there is to it. Women do the best to deal with things and move on, but we internalize by nature. The result will vary from woman to woman. Some handle things better than others. Some are type A control freaks who will in fact have a massive coronary someday. Some are so laid back that they never get anything done. Then of course there are those in between who are much like Bob. They will internalize, but they know what to do with it, and they move on.
A fact of life in the United States is that women out live men who usually die from heart attack usually (barring any physiological problems) brought on (studies also show) from basically bottling up their feelings. Interesting isn't it?
So, here's my challenge. I told him that i would not speak negatively on my life for a week if he would not swear for a week. Done!
The winner gets a favor for each infraction. Done!
So it starts. It's a very interesting challenge because it's usually easy for me to be positive in the short term. It's not even hard to be positive long term.....verbally. Keeping the thoughts out of my head is another thing. That's the true challenge.
Good thing Bob can't read my mind.

Forgiveness, Grace & Freedom

The lyrics to a song i love say that "you can't be free if you don't reach for help." Very true.
Today is a good day. Today i was happy to wake up. Yesterday was the first day in a long time that i felt, really felt like i would be okay. Maybe i've said that before, i don't know, but there were some things that i had to get off my chest and it is done.
I have never been at a church where the people care so much about your well being and your soul and your life that they would actually take the TIME to care.
I've had it rough this year. Really rough. Everything smoothed out in the tumultuous relationship with my mom, but then things started happening within me.
All i've ever wanted was to help people be better people. I still did that. I still have great relationships, and still want to help people grow. But in combination wanted to grow myself. This was the year for that. Even through screwing up (literally) my spiritual growth, i still feel like i have grown. I feel like even though what happened was not positive in the eyes of God, I have learned so much from it that i can't say that i'm sorry it's happened.
My Pastor made a very very good point yesterday in saying, "if you don't mess up every now and again, you don't get to learn how to do it right." The other thing he said was, "how do you know that what you're going through right now won't help someone else in the future? Chances are, what you are going through right now will be able to help someone in their walk."
That's when i remembered that it's not about me. It's never been about me.
I have spent the last 4 months in tears because of the pain that i have been in. Forgetting that there is still ministry in the mistake. Forgetting that my life is not over because i broke a commandment. If only for the reconnection that occurred during that time, i am grateful that it happened.
I am going to be okay. In so many ways and on so many levels. I realize that now. I just wonder how long i will remember it. The goal is to take this and tuck it away and try harder to reach for God first. Try harder to remember the promises of God. Forgiveness is forever. The sea of forgetfulness. Blood shed for the sin that i have committed and have yet to commit.
My singleness is still a good and wonderful thing. The things that i do now, i am able to do because i am single. I can do more for God single than i could married at this point. That's why i have always been so content to be single. God has plans for me that i can't even see. There are people who will cross my path that need to know that being single is not the end of the world. When i look at all of the people who are married and unhappy, it makes me even more content to be single and satisfied.
I just hope that i have the courage to do whatever it is i am supposed to do to continue to be whole and healed, and the ability to help others be whole and healed. Sadness should not be a way of life. That's next on my list. I'm not sure how, but i will get this conquered. Having someone in my life who treats me like every girl in the world wants to be treated is not so far fetched that it won't happen. Using the gifts that i prayed for is not far fetched either. Having a career that i am happy with is not far fetched.
I am mostly disappointed that i forgot this:
33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:33-34

BTW

This deserves a post if only because it's funny. I have been working out a lot this summer. I mean 4 - 5 days a week a lot. So, i had bet a friend of mine that i would lose 20 pounds faster than them.
Well, in the turmoil that was this week, I GAINED 8 POUNDS! Now i have to lose almost 30 pounds instead of just the 20.
Yeah.
Emotional eating is never a good thing..... back to the drawing board.
Pilates till i die!

I found a list

As i have been plagued with insomnia yet again (i think i have slept a total of 8 hours the past two nights), i have been cleaning and organizing. While organizing one room, i found a journal from more than 10 years ago that contained a list that my sister and i made of what we would like in a future husband. I think i was about 20 or 21 at the time. It's pretty comical to read now, but i thought i would post it because it's kind of fun too. So, here we go unedited:
1. saved
2. financially stable
3. 5'10" - 6'8"
4. no children
5. limited sexual past
6. stable family life
7. honest
8. trustworthy
9. sense of humor but knows when to be serious
10. faithful
11. responsible
12. trustful
13. good looking
14. nice eyes
15. nice smile
16. nice teeth
17. sensitive
18. reserved
19. mutual family liking
20. at least 3 years older
21. unselfish
22. good conversation
23. ambitious
24. intelligent
25. encouraging
26. physically fit for his size
27. well mannered
28. good tempered
29. patient
30. not cheap
31. has his own running vehicle
32. hardworking but relaxed
33. outspoken but knows when to keep quiet
34 spontaneous
35. athletic
36. healthy in every aspect

Clearly this list is from a very young and inexperienced mind. I look at this list now and there are some things that would be moved up, removed all together and moved down. Patience would definitely be in my top five since i know i have ADD. Encouraging would be in my top 10. Spontaneous would be in my top 10. I would take the height requirement out of my top 10. haha
I look at this list wondering if it will even come to pass. I want to be married just like the next person, but well, we'll have to see.
It's really sort of ironic. For years, especially after my first serious relationship ended, i didn't care if i got married or not. I didn't care if i had children or not. Now, however, i would love to be married, i would love to have my 3 or more children. I would like to be a mom. I've never admitted that or said that out loud. I would like to be a mom. Before, being a mom scared me. It's such a huge responsibility. Being responsible for the well being of another person for the rest of your life or their lives is overwhelming. I know from other moms that the responsibility does not stop just because your child grows up. You may not have as much input as you used to, but they will always be your baby.
We're reading a great book in the Women's ministry at church by Myles Munroe called the Purpose and Power of Woman. The Men's ministry is reading The Purpose and Power of Man. When we finish our books we're going to switch and read each others' books. I'm very excited about it because of how differently men and women communicate. I always know that, but when i'm in a relationship, it always goes right out the window. When i talk to my friends about their relationship, i tell them "you have to think like a guy. You cannot think like a girl." And that is usually the number one mistake that i make. Funny, i know. I don't know. I think that i'm so busy thinking that this person should be taking care of me and doing what i ask that i don't even care....to a point.
One of the things i realized about myself since i made that list and have been in a few relationships since that list, is that i tend to get into self preservation mode. Especially after my first serious relationship. Only the National Guard could get in after that. I did not make it easy and sometimes i was not nice. So, now, i'm trying to be a little more open and accepting. Not so tough and school of hard knox. I have realized though that it's easier for a girl to think like a guy than it is for a guy to think like a girl. I can't wait to see what the Purpose and Power of Man says about how we should be treating them. The Women's book was pretty much on point.
I THINK EVERY GUY SHOULD READ IT!!!
When i make this move to Houston, I'm going to be better. In a better place emotionally, spiritually, mentally (i hope). I'm looking forward to the change. I wish it could happen sooner, but it'll be great when it does.
It will be funny to curl up with someone and laugh about the contents of my list and other things in that journal together. It would be great.

Serenity

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

A Letter to You

I never dreamed in a million years that our paths would cross again. I thought that door was shut forever, and was prepared to deal with forever. I wondered how you were. What you were doing. If you were happy. Were you thinking about me too?
There are so many things that i do regret in my life, but you have never been one of them. I don't regret how i dealt with you. I don't regret what i said. I do regret that for everytime you explained to me that i didn't "get it", you didn't either. I love just as hard. And for me that means being a part of your life however terrible it is. However wonderful it is. I got it. I completely understood it. Every single part of it. But those were the parts that you didn't want to let me into, and i truly could not handle that. It's weird, even though i understood it, it was hard. It was hard to not get that piece of you. It made me sad more than it made me mad. I am sorry for any undue stress that may have been caused by me. I'm sorry that you felt the way you did in the end. I never meant to seem uncaring or unkind. I don't want to see you hurt anymore than you want to see me hurt. I'm sorry you felt as though i was being insulting in certain ways. I most certainly was not. Not by any means. I can see how it could be perceived that way, and i'm sorry for that.
I wish things could be different, but not in the way you might think. I wish love and happiness to you no matter what. I pray for peace and strength for you so that you can hang on for as long as you need to, to whatever you need to.
I'm getting to be ok. Not quite there yet, but i will be.....eventually. I wouldn't trade the past 4 months for anything though except for maybe forever. If forever never happens, then at least i know where we are. Where we stand. That we're good no matter what. I know that. I hope you know that.
I'm sorry it had to be so bad in the end. That was not my intention. I hate that it is the way that it is. That may be my only regret. Nothing about your life is a joke to me. Nothing about what you're going through is a joke to me.
Know that i will always be there to scratch your back if you need it.

Missing you lots
xxx
ooo

Conclusions

How long can i stand? How much longer can i be brave? How long can i stay strong? Life sucks and then you die. What is it all for? The quick and easy answer is to praise and glorify God. That is also a very tough answer. We get so caught up in our world that we forget that. We should never forget that.
It's very hard for me at this age and stage of my life to regret things. I think them through more, I analyze more. I make sure that I know the outcome before hand. So having my heart broken again, was definitely foreseen. It had to happen. The circumstances were too complicated for it to not happen. There is so much scar tissue now that i'm barely hanging on.
Heartache sucks. And then you die.

Dig deeper

Ok. I have never really truly been able to get over my parents divorce. I thought i was good. I thought i was ok. It's been 16 years after all, but that situation still keeps my guard up. Still causes me to doubt myself and others. That divorce and everything that led up to it has become the biggest factor in who i am today.
I want so badly to not be there. I want to be whole and healed. I did not realize that i still hold a lot of resentment toward both of my parents for how things turned out and most of all for how they helped shape me. I think that's what i resent most of all. I had virtually no say in who i became. I didn't even realize who i was until my 20's. I'm just now realizing how that has affected me so far. I want to change that. I want to make it better. I don't want to be one of those people who blames other people for who they are and how they are. If i am who i am, i want it to be because i chose to be this person. And even more than that, i want to be a person who makes a positive difference in the lives of others. It is truly a miracle that i am not a toxic person. I thank God for that every single day.
So, i have not had my quiet time since my little transgression. I need to do it again. I need to spend that time again. I have to know and understand that God the Father will continue to take care of me. Is taking care of me. No matter what. He looks past the sin. He looks into the heart of the sinner, and loves them inspite of. I will be ok. I will be ok. The person he has for me is out there somewhere getting whole and healed himself.......i hope.

Truth

Truths are being revealed to me. Truths about myself and my life. I am in the place that i am in because i need to see myself. Not that i have not been looking before, but that i need to look deeper. The surface stuff is easy. I know i'm a sensitive person. I know that at my very core i am a positive person. I know that i long for love. I know that i sometimes look for love in others. But even deeper than that. I know that i hurt. And this hurt is affecting who i am and who i am becoming. Deciding what to do with it, is the hard part. And the truth is, i had to be out here by myself so that i could see, really see how much i am hurting.
It's strange though because that hurt is what drives me to help others. To want to see others happy. If i can't be happy, somebody should be. That's pretty much my philosophy. I like seeing others thrive and grow and become better human beings....better christians. But all the while, i thought i was doing that for myself, but was not. Not really. And the hurt was blocking it. My hurt keeps me from growing, becoming better.
I'm still trying to figure out what to do with it. How to make the hurt come to the surface however hard that may be, and release it. I'm so tired of hurting. Being hurt. Allowing myself to be hurt. I'm an emotional masochist. I realize that now. A beautiful disaster. But God sees me as only beautiful. And the sooner i come to grips with that. The sooner i realize that God sees me differently than i see myself, the better off i will be. Did you know that the angels are jealous of us because God holds us to a higher place than them? To look in the mirror and see what God sees.....would be heaven on earth. That would be truth.

*SIGH*

The truth about life is that sometimes you can't have what you want, and the sooner you accept that the better off you are.

Sister Circle

I have a sister. She came into the world 21 months after me. She is wonderful and nothing in the world can replace her. But over the years, I have met various women who I am proud to call my "sister". Currently, at my job there are half a dozen of us Sisters. We (as cliche as it might sound) laugh together, cry together, celebrate together. Recently, the mother of one of my Sisters passed away. It was a lengthy and painful illness. The Sisters got on the phone, the computer, their sidekicks and made arrangements to be there for our Sister. I have been through many, many deaths in my life. I was hoping that our presence would be of some benefit. It was arranged that we would wear pink lilly corsages and go together. We walked in just as she was walking in with her family and the look on her face when she saw us and our pink flowers made me so happy to be a part of our little Sister Circle. Family always goes way beyond blood. Family is there when your real family is dealing with their own drama or can't understand or just flat out don't approve. I have a handful of Sisters that are of no relation to me, and I like it like that.

Waiting

I feel like I have spent most of my life waiting for something....or somebody. When I was a kid I waited for my parents to get a divorce. In junior high, I waited for a friend that I could relate to. a teacher that would be nice to me. in high school, I waited for a date for Homecoming, Sweetheart Ball, various dances that I helped plan but usually only attended for the clean up after. I waited for my father to get it together. I waited to finish college. I waited to have sex. I waited for the boy that I have always wanted to date. As of right now, waiting has proven to be very, very painful. Some of the things I have waited for have panned out. Quite well. My dad came around and we're getting closer. I finally made it to a dance with a great guy and was even crowned prom queen. I found friends. Friends who get me. Friends who are where I am and continuing to grow with me. Sounds like most of it works out. So maybe I should just wait to see what will happen next. I'm just tired of waiting for the one something. The one somebody.....

Fresh

Ok. This is the part where i repeat the mantra "I will be okay. I will be okay. I will be okay." My circumstances are only temporary. I realize that. I think what i don't get is why every circumstance, every trial has to come so close together. I know that i am constantly fighting, literally warring for my gifts, my strength, my ministry. I understand that. I just would like a little time of peace in the midst of the war. No matter how logical i am. No matter what i know the truth to be. I just can never seem to find that peace. I'm exhausted all the time. I wake up in the middle of the night either from praying or dreaming. Lately it's been dreaming. A LOT of dreaming. I'm tired. I can't function when i'm like this. I can't think straight when i'm like this.
I am very aware that to whom much is given much is required. I understand. I do, but no where does it say that to whom much is given much less sleep will you have.
I'M TIRED!
And i'm tired of being tired. I guess i just don't understand why in the world God won't allow me to have a good nights' sleep. Just one every once in a while would be greatly appreciated. That's how i started drinking. From not sleeping. Now i have a double fold problem on my hands and hope that i can figure out while not ruining myself with the other.
Rambling......that's what exhaustion gets you........rambling.

Spiraling

Why does one always have to spiral out of control? There is a pattern to spiraling you know. So why does it always have to sound so negative? I think i'm just feeling guilty....
Anyway, about my ah ha moment. I have not wanted to think about it. I can't deal with it. This whole free will thing is not fair. But i once heard someone say that the only "fair" they knew of was bus fare. I thought that was pretty funny, and pretty accurate. I think it was Peter who asked why he does the very things that he does not want to do. I think this is the first time in my life that i wonder what will happen to me. I used to be so sure. I always thought i would be ok. But i have almost no faith left. It sounds crazy to say. It feels crazy. It feels bad.
So what happens now? I have no idea. Sometimes i don't care enough to want to know. That's bad isn't it?

Feelings

Isn't there a song by that name? If i remember correctly it's a little cheesy and sad. I don't remember who sings it though. One of the crooners i think....
Feelings are hard. They are hard to understand. Hard to deal with. Hard to explain. When was the last time you were able to describe love? Anger? Loneliness? Exactly. My feelings are complicated. There is too much involved in them. They don't exactly make me feel better. Everyone is afraid of their feelings whether they want to admit to it or not. I'm no different. I'm very sure of how i feel, but it makes me nervous. I don't want to be taken over by my feelings and I don't want to take over my feelings. Weird, huh? There are even feelings that i cannot express outloud. It's too early. It's too inappropriate.
As much as i don't want them too, my feelings are starting to take over. I'm trying to hang on. I'm trying not to "go crazy". It's just incredible how the indescribable feeling can make you feel....
Empty and full all at the same time. Positive and unsure all at the same time. I just want all of this to be over. I want a happy ending, but i want it to be over. I want to be sure about how all of this will turn out. One way or the other. I want to be happy when all of this is over. All i've ever wanted was to be happy. I have 20 years of journaling that begs time and time again for happiness. Sometimes, i feel like i have never been happy. Sometimes i wonder if i self sabotage my happiness. Why would i do that though? Why would i make decisions based on making myself unhappy? Ok. I just had an ah ha moment and must ponder this for a while.

Denial

It's not just a river you know.
I wrote the last post leaving out something that can never enter the realms of cyber space. It's strange not being able to share a part of my life with the people i am closest to. My life is crazy. The circumstances are just unbelievable. I learned a long time ago to never say never. It still very much holds true. I just hope beyond hope that God will see fit to redeem my shortcomings and continue to allow me to grow in Him.
Life is definitely a journey and i want to end up at the correct destination. I pray that He work with my mistakes and allow me the happiness i've always dreamed of with the person i've always dreamed of. If not, then i pray that He helps me to get past the hurt and disappointment of what could have been.
My heart is taken. I am so full right now. No matter what happens, i believe in what God has for me. I believe in the ending. I'm hoping for a specific ending. I'm hoping that this ending will leave me happier than i ever thought that i could be. It's not enough to hope for the outcome. I also have to extend hope past the outcome to make sure that my life is covered.
I know that God can do anything. And i really hope that he is able to do this for me. But with a better ending.